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| MY smile MY frown
by poeticly_broken at 3/22/2009 5:07:11 PM
If you have visited hamiton Alabama and been to Wal~Martthen you have seen that award winning
Wal~Mart Smile of mine. How many of you have ever seen me without it? I would
bet many of you will say you never have, that’s my little secret I am ready to
share, you see it’s my great disappearing act. I smile and that smile is my beckon
it says hey look at me smile with me enjoy this great day enjoy life it is way
too short to frown. O but when I am down when I frown I disappear I do it on purpose;
I do not want to share my pain my agony my desperation with anyone not face to
face. You all know when I’m like that because you read my words right here in
my blogs. If you will think about those days when you saw me and got home to
check my blog to find it was one of those days you’ll realize I wasn’t really
there the smile was wrong and you didn’t stay very long because I didn’t let
you I was distant I was barely even perceptible. You walked away and thought
where’s Jeremy?
My friends now you know why you never see that Jeremy I
simply disappear you have to be very close to me for me to even let you see me in
that state. I hold it in push it down deep and at time revel in it. I make
everyone around me miserable on those days just like my smile my frown is very contagious,
have no fear though. I bounce back quickly from such days. Just thought you
might like to know why I only share that smile.
I am a man who is
taking stock of the many options this world has to offer in work, play, life
and, love. I have found that charismatic, confident me that I really like a lot.
Funny thing is I found me alone but not exactly, let me explain. I have been
through a lot you all know that you have been with me some of you for my entire
life others for most of it some for only a few years or less. During our time traveling
through life together I have had advice given and have given advice, the advice
I give most times is the very advice I needed to follow myself. I started
trying to pull myself out of that dark place I visit from time to time, as soon
as I realized I was there. I was just so deep in this time I had to find a path
out, kinda like being dropped in the ocean with no land insight. I was there surrounded
by darkness no light could reach me. I flailed around reaching for any port in
my angry sea finding only that dark depressing abysmal pit all around me. I
started working my way in one direction because if you are lost you must choose
a direction and see where it leads. I knew I had chosen right when I got some
light now you’ve read my blogs and know that each ray I thought think god I’m
out only to find that I most certainly wasn’t, well I just keep my path
straight trudged along and I’ll be damned I finally started seeing hands many
of them reaching down into my personal hell and I started grabbing for them
some helped with all their might and managed to help me tread through staying
steady right where I was some pulled me forward. I was passed from hand to kind
hand. The smallest hand had a voice she said hang on daddy its ok, its ok
daddy, OMG my little girl sweet innocent and tiny reached out to help me cause
she is just like me and knew that’s what she was supposed to do, always help
those who need helping. I had no idea she was strong enough to help daddy so
very much. I reached a point where I was surrounded by many who where in the
same predicament. We walked side by side at times hand and hand. Before I knew
it I was even holding out my hand to help others again like I had done so many
times in the past. Suddenly surprisingly I woke one morning not to very long
ago and I was standing beside some of those traveling through darkness with me
and Ill be damned we were able to see daylight. Don’t get me wrong darkness
calls in a very sweet voice always tempting me and others back in for a taste
of pain and agony, but by the grace of a power much higher than myself or my
friends and family I made it out!
I have as you may have noticed found that artist inside me
again, poetry, stories, advice, Drawings, food, and so much more. I am a much
stronger and wiser Jeremy than when I went in. I lost my passion in there and when
I left I found it in a big way I am more passionate now than I have ever been. Words
ideas LOVE flows through my veins I am alive and well and in darkness I do not dwell.
To all you wonderful women out there looking for an honest man I happen to know one
who is finally rebuilt like a Good old model vehicle, you know the easy to work
on kind, and he is most defiantly using the open door policy. My door is always
open; I would suggest a call first though. I do have to say sex is not a guarantee
anymore sorry ladies I just aint that guy anymore. I will guarantee I will show
ya a great time no matter what we do, some of you know that already don’t ya. I
ask that if you are looking for a relationship it may be a very long time
before I am once again comfortable with that.
Know me love me or hate me its true, honest and it is all
that I am.
I think people like me are easy targets for anyone who is looking for someone to make feel bad, I think its jealousy they want to have
our smiles well I for one say find your own smile and leave mine right where it
is cause I look best when I’m smiling. I think you do too eyes may be the
window to the soul but the smile is a picture of the beauty held within those
eyes for all the world to see when they are to far away to see our eyes. I do
indeed hope you find reasons everyday to just smile like there is no tomorrow
because all we are promised is today till it gets here tomorrow is but a dream.
I sent this as an email to someone who needed to hear just that message today I
feel I need that message. I hate being ALONE. I hate being MISERABLE, more than
hate I refuse to be.
yes I am alone and miserable at times. I have been here lately so often that I
forget to remind myself that life and living it is one of the greatest gifts we
are given. I have caught myself putting my heart out there for someone anyone
to grab it and heal it, many friends are trying to do so now. I fear at times
that alone and miserable is where I am supposed to be, at others I look in my
little girls eyes and realize that if I don’t conquer that fear and show her
that alone doesn’t have to be miserable, she may never either. I am still
working on just that I will show her that sometimes alone is not only good but
that it can be a great gift just as great companionship is. O don’t get me
wrong I am still looking for that romantic poetic girl of my dreams and will
find her. I have just decided not to accept less than what I want what I need.
And never will any woman ever be able to put herself in a position where my
daughter has to feel she doesn’t have daddy’s full attention, my little Raelynn
is and always will be number 1 in my life. I am all that I am and claim to be
nothing more. I am writing a lot thanks to a poetic friend who is helping me
learn to deal with being alone, figure that out, alone with a friend learning
to be alone and enjoy it.
I do indeed hope you find reasons everyday to just smile like there is no tomorrow
because all we are promised is today till it gets here tomorrow is but a dream.
Jeremy B. Phillips
AKA
Darkhawk
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