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| Passion lying dormant
by jondalar at 4/12/2009 12:38:23 PM
Passions lying dormant in the winter of my soul. That which once flowed from me by union of spirit and the pulsing energy of love that is all around us has slipped my grasp. A stiffness settles in my fingers and numbness now grips my heart. I walk with the trudge of one in heavy snows bent forward in the fierceness of this cold wind.
How did this winter come upon the shoulders in these days of spring sunshine I cannot see? These cold winds seem to blow though this vacant heart that once house the magic of creation and the music of the angels. Do not think this soul lies in anguish, no, it goes through each day encouraging others with the words of love and possibilities that await them. I am busy building things people need with these numb hands even as I watch the world and its drama play out as if it were a film I could view but not be part of. Tears flow from my eyes as I observe the emotions of others and I wonder if I am feeling for them or are these tears for me and the lack of ability to generate these feeling within myself. I do the actions of one who feels and listen to the words that once inspired me all the while the light within me burns low and unfelt.
I know that I am an embodiment of God and that all things are possible for me, No, Not only possible but awaiting my invitation to be part of my life. I know that it is not practical to feel the need for another person to make all this come alive yet alone there seems to be no purpose for the next step in any direction. So it is that I live out this winter of my soul going through the daily functions of my life without living it.
Two thoughts fight within my mind. First is that if I only had someone to give my love to all things would find this springtime of life again. The other is that I must be able to create the breakthrough for myself or it will not last. In search of the love that would set me free I have found many to help in their awakening some to lie in my bed and desire me greatly but none to stir the desire of may soul. To give to another in any way does bring me joy and in the intimacy of what could be love there is much to give. There was a time when the sharing of another’s body was enough to ignite some joy but now I feel that as they draw their joy from me there is less within for myself. Some of this is because I am a giving being and do think first of them and yet more to the sinking of my soul is the lack of ability to renew myself.
A tree of blossoms and fruit goes dormant from a lack of warmth from the sun. My soul finds itself dormant for a lack of love flowing within me. I have it showered upon me but unless there is an exchange, a flow of love between two people it is like rain falling on a tin roof. It sounds nice but it does not spatter on your face and one cannot taste the sweetness of it on the tongue. It is said that one must do the actions and then the feeling comes and so I have played at love as though I could feel the rain only to allow another to fall in love with one unable to reciprocate. To be the one who could cause such disappointment in another only bade me to withdraw into this winter farther then next time.
“We do not find the light by continued examination of the darkness, we must seek the light”
I do not remember where this came from but it has been in my signature for many years. Still knowing this my soul yet lingers in the frigid gloom of winter on this Easters day.
One who inspired me for a times suggest we ask a better question of ourselves that would lead us toward the light.
In search of the light I ask this of myself. What gives me joy? What renews my spirit and lets me taste the sweetness of the spring rain? I would like my answer to be the passions of love and lust and yet as those are my thoughts and find their way to this page they fall the ground without the wings of my real desire.
“What gives me joy?” Giving and doing things for others bring me great joy.
“What renews my spirit and lets me taste the sweetness of the spring rain?” Chi. I am not sure how that is spelled but it just came to me as the thing that renews me and brings me joy. I think it means ‘Life force’ and it is when I am sharing this life force with another that I find joy. Joy in the flow. I seem to recall that the word enthusiasm comes from the Greek words ‘In Theo’s’ meaning ‘With God’. My Chi, My Flow, My joy, My enthusiasm comes when I am sharing the energy of universal love with another or others. There are tiny raindrops reaching me as I write these words I can almost feel them as this slight tingle of enthusiasm tickles inside me. Could it be that this is how my winter came upon me? Was it simply by my choosing the darkness of my cave where I feel safe, secure and apart from others? I know it is good for each of us to draw apart from others from time to time to renew ourselves but it would seem I have forgotten how to renew my spirit and caused my body and spirit to shrink rather than be renewed. I have heard that if we do what we know to be good for us the feeling of it will come. So today I will begin to do those things that once renewed me even if I do not feel like it and know that the feeling will come. Now, What was I that once renewed me and made me smile?
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