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| I want to be to hecklers what Jason Voorhees was to campers
by pjchairo at 4/26/2009 1:52:02 AM
Yesterday, I went to the Comedy Studio in Cambridge, one of the best comedy clubs in the greater Boston area. I wanted to support my peers and enjoy myself after a day's work, but a peer of mine let me know on my way up that there was a loudmouth in the audience. Good to know.
A few seconds into reaching the third floor of the Hong Kong, I noticed a pile of fat poured into a white shirt that I could pick out from the crowd by the fact that he kept his voice a tad too much above a whisper. As a comedian myself, I dislike having to compete with someone else's voice during a set, and as a spectator, it's irksome and blatantly disrespects the performer onstage and their endeavors. I don't care if it's intentional or not. If you deliberately distract or talk over a comedian, you're a piece of shit. If you have no sense of club etiquette and are on your phone or talking regardless of your surroundings, you're an ignorant piece of shit.
After witnessing another comic's set, and observing the pile of fat with a dagger eyed stare as this amoeba talked over and interjected words as he saw fit, I pictured crushing his skull with a crowbar...no--a shovel...no--the rear left tire of my Ford Taurus. I decided to act upon these feelings, and I walked over to him and leaned in and said "stop talking". He shrugged it off (or rather it rolled off his flabulous body) and said "whatever". Ohhhh, if only homicide laws gave some leeway for killing a**holes who ruin comedy shows and I wouldn't have to face jail time for cleaning out the genepool, I would've loved to have crushed his windpipe between my mitts. I would've savored watching his eyes bug out and well up with his final tears as I snuffed out his worthless life in the name of good comedy.
But like a p*ssy or hawk politician, I can only talk a good act of bloodcurdling violence. I left his fate to the bouncers, who finally took him and his drunk loser friend and ejected them from the club. His friend tried to be Marie Antoinette by shouting "your show sucks" (yes it did, until you and The Biggest Loser reject left), but I couldn't quite hear him over the audience applauding the bouncers. But the rest of the show at the Studio was great now that nobody in the crowd was there to ruin it.
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