Empty

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Empty
by jo52562 at 5/17/2009 5:53:48 PM

Have you ever felt empty? Where you just don't feel?
That's how I feel (or rather I don't feel) and I don't like it one iota! I have been thinking and trying to figure it out for a long time now and I can't seem to find the answers I seek.

It started in January of '08 when I lost my boyfriend to cancer, then I lost my job of 8 years to restructuring in March '08. Mind you at the time it was all surreal and I was probably in a fog. I decided to change my career, I had been wanting to do it for a long time - this was my chance. I signed up for online classes through the University of Phoenix to get my Associates degree in Health Administration. I did and am doing pretty well for being out of school for 35 years.

What I didn't realize was that the job market was going to fall flat, the housing market was going bust and we are in a recession. My timing was way off!

So I'm still going to school, trying to find a job and trying to make ends meet. Pretty tough in today's economy. I'm struck between a rock and a hard place trying to find a job - I'm either over qualified or I don't have enough experience.

I was extremely fortunate to meet and fall in love again with a wonderful man, but due to circumstances beyond both of our control it can not be what we want it to be and it's sad to not be able to have the one beautiful thing that has happened to me during my bad luck streak.

With all that said, I just don't like the person I've become, I used to be fun, I had a positive attitude, I looked forward to the future, I was in control, I didn't sweat the small stuff.... I really miss her that person I used to be. How do I change me back? How do I get rid of the emptiness? How do I look ahead?

I didn't write this for sympathy - I've been pretty good to myself in that way. I just wanted to share my thoughts-- I've heard it is good therapy.

Comments
weaimtoplease	5/17/2009 7:52:33 PM Yeap, it is good to put it in writing and to share. Have you ever seen the list of top 10 stressors? I'm thinking you have at least 3! Give yourself time to get over things. The loss of a close friend can make you grieve for a long time!
atlgarn2	5/18/2009 3:34:19 AM It is good therapy. That emptiness lasts longer for some that others. It seems at times that the "bad luck streak" is never ending, but it's not. It's hard to find the blessings you may have enjoyed the past year and a half when you feel that vacuum in your core that is never fulfilled. Focusing on what was lost or what you don't have can put you in a funky hole that is difficult (at best) to climb out of. But, you have to find that step to begin, and you have. Sometimes you just get stuck. Keep going GF. One day you'll realize you've been back, but didn't recognize yourself.
woodsmamma	5/18/2009 7:59:16 AM Those girls above me have good points, and believe me I understand , but its just this one day we have to work with, and if you write now all the positive things that happened in that day we start to see more good than bad to our lives.If we keep in the only day we have to work with , we don't have to sweat the stuff that is unmanagable to us today . Then concentrate on those things we can do something about.I guess that's the serenity Prayer.
jo52562	5/19/2009 7:17:01 AM Thank you weaim - do I have stressors - you know it! I have nothing but time, I think that's a stressor too. I know patience is a virtue - I never was any good at being patient. Thanks for beign a friend. Aww Vic - As always, I love your wisdom - can you give me a push up those stairs - I coudl use some help here! Thanks G/F Woodsmamma - It is very similar to the serenity prayer and I used to say that often - maybe I need to get back to it - I always thought it had a lot of truth in it. Writing this was helpful - I just need to do it more often so I don't continue to get swallowed up by the deep dark pit of emptiness. Thank you all for you kind words
jasie52	5/22/2009 5:44:58 PM I have been there and one has to experience the depths of emptiness to fully understand. I found journaling and have written three, one when I got a divorce and two when special relationships ended. Journaling is a way to express yourself, no worry about commas, etc. It only makes sense to you. One journal I cannot even make sense of but at the time it immensely helped me work through my feelings. I wish you well and sharing does help.
jo52562	5/23/2009 9:12:14 AM thank you Jasie - I was surprised how much just putting my words down did help. I guess I need to do it more often in my own journal - Thank you.
knightkosd	5/24/2009 6:08:34 PM I can relate. I felt that way myself recently. I wish I could help you. It truly breaks my heart that you are in pain(I'm a man of great passion and emoiton). I'll keep you in my thoughts