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| The K Factor
by sifu071 at 5/24/2009 7:22:36 AM
Have you ever had something in your mind, be it a thought, a memory, an idea, anything, that was so beautiful, so perfect, so magnificent that you could not put it to words?
I tried to, last night, all night in fact. I tried so hard to write what was, in my mind... but it is flawed. Utterly and totally flawed. And not in such a way that with better word selection, better scenes, better choice. Perhaps it can't be captured. Perhaps what makes the mind such a wonder, is that cannot be replicated... not even with the most sincere attempts, for the longest of times...
May you have a beauty as uncaptureable as mine... and may it haunt you as pleasurably and maddeningly as it does me. 
(MIND DUMP
If we could preview life and all of the pain we would face, would any of us have had the bravery to keep moving forward?
We are faced with unimaginable trauma, every one of us, eventually, and we cope. We survive for that moment. And we don't always choose the most healthy ways to do that... we don't always react the way people THINK we're going to... but we're just trying to make it to tomorrow. We're living one day at a time, yet scared of having to make it through even one more day.
Oh dear void, universe grand, one that is greater than me.... hold me. Wrap me inside of infinity. Give me a blissfully dreamless sleep until I can find myself again. For one single moment let me feel how I am seriously, interwovenly connected to every other person on this planet.
I've given thought lately to war... And wars fought even under the best of intentions are still full of evil. And I mourn for all of the soldiers... on every side, in every war on this planet right now. I mourn for all of us, for our humanity (or lackthereof). I hold no criticism. I just wish the whole human race could feel, for a moment, how similar we all are. That all of us feel pain... and that when cut, we all pour out blood. We all dream, we all hurt, we all hope, we all fail... We simply are.
And if that is the case, why do I consistently feel ultimately and entirely alone?
I hold on to this moment where we are laying across a bed from each other. I can't remember if she is looking at me, or the ceiling, and she asks me what I want... out of life. And I speak, for a while, of all my heart longs for... and with a tone that left me in awe, she told me I was beautiful... in a soul-beauty sort of way.
I felt seen... and known... in those moments.
There is another moment in my life where I am laying on the roof of my childhood home. The breezes were a bit cold but I was wrapped tight in a warm blanket. The moon was so full and so bright. I felt as though I could reach right up and grab it. So I tried.... and as the moonbeams poured all over me, I felt at one with the universe, or God... I knew that that one moment made all others worth living. Tears poured down my face. I knew love in it's purest sense, just myself, that moon, and whatever greater lies beyond.
I just wish I could hold on better to those moments.
And I miss them, while pressing their memory against my heart.
I am always a flawed mess. And I am always a beautifully complex and brilliant (as in the intensity of light) soul. I am me...
And I'm scared. And I'm hopeful. And I want to be held by the universe right now. I need to feel God. I need to wrap myself inside of infinity, inside of justice, hope, grace, kindness, and warmth.
(END MIND DUMP)
(note: I call it a mind dump whenever I write without any reason or any attempt to create reason or flow. I write as the feelings, words and thoughts come to me. So no, this had no intent other than to put what is inside of me, outside....)
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