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| How do you forgive yourself?
by lori21204 at 6/2/2009 10:20:23 PM
Recently I have made a choice that has deeply effected my life. I never knew how weak I truly was until I sat down and looked at the decisions I've made. Do you know how it feels to know that your the reason for all the problems and the unhappiness in your own life and it all boils down to weakness. No matter how strong I've tried to be I fell weak to listening to others words and rumors. I turned my back on the man I LOVE and turned to the arms of his best friend for comfort. I became confused and the more he pushed away from me the more the other pulled me close telling me the things I needed to hear, gave me the attention that I craved. Constant rumors of how he was always cheating how I was always unappreciated and mistreated became a reality to me. I began to imagine my life without him in it and it seemed on the surface better. The attentivness of the other became something I didn't think I could live without and I deserved it right?? So I told the man who held my heart in his hands that I was done than watched him walk out of my life. I picked up the relationship with his friend. On the outside it seemed perfect really. I got all the affection that I wanted and deserved. In the last few weeks I've learned that sometimes perfection really isn't all that perfect. Sometimes the chase of getting a person is really more fun than actually having them. that's what I feel like has happened to me. The friend's affection has slowly died down and the drama that has came with us being together has became to much for him to bear. I've also learned that there is no way to give out my heart because someone took it with them when they left. I've made my bed now I have to live with the decisions I've made. I know I won't be forgiven but at least I'm still lucky to have a friendship with my heart. When I really sit back and look at my life I'm not happy, I'm a zombie I get up and do what I have to because it is expected of me. How do you forgive yourself for messing up your own life. I won't leave the relationship I'm now in cause I don't want everything that has happened to me in the last few months to have been for nothing. Everyday I pray that I can just wake up and it all have been a dream that he would be there beside me with his arms around me. If I could have just been stronger than none of this would have happened. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. When the love of your life sits and listens to why you chose someone else over him and all he can say is I did want you but you made your choice. It is what it is. How are you to even forgive yourself? Honestly I don't deserve forgiveness I'm not even asking him for it. I'm not even going to apologize which he respects. He's more of a man than I ever gave him credit for.
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