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| Demonology 101
by eric1313 at 11/27/2007 4:00:25 AM
Today I watched the Exorcist and the Exorcism of Emily Rose, classic masterpieces about demonic posession. Both are based on true stories, and they scare the shit out of me. Let's face it, a demon isn't going to succumb to an M-16 round or a claymore mine, now is it. Armed with my research, I've made some observations about the possessed.
First of all, who are the people who get posessed? Little girls, so I guess I'm safe. Reagan was possessed by Pazuzu for playing "Light as a Feather, Stiff As a Board," while Emily Rose was posessed because, well, I guess God just hated her. I know some people at work who I wished would get posessed; it would do wonders for their personality.
Second of all, lets explore the nature of the demons that do the posessing. They represent sin incarnate. Think about that. They are sin. Drinking is a sin. So is pre-marital sex. The last I checked, my music collection contains some very sinful lyrics. So why do the demons do f**ked-up shit to their victims? I mean wouldn't it be different to get posessed by a demon who wants to go bar hopping, grooving to Rob Zombie? And still hook up at the end of the night? That would make sense. But no. That doesn't happen. Instead, the posessed lay around in bed, puking green shit, and chatting in Aramaic. You would figure that the demons would seize the opportunity of leaving hell the way we would a vacation. Instead, they bring their work with them. That would be like me going to London and making lesson plans. Loosen up guys! When you're off the clock, you can relax a little. Not all sin has to be so vulgar. For instance, you can sin by masterbating. It's wicked and entertaining. Masterbating demons have a bonus that comes with possessed pocket-pool; it causes blindness! What I'm saying is demons can break some Commandments and still have a good time.
And what about demons' counter-parts, the angels? They never possess anybody. It seems to me they need a break from time to time. I mean chilling on clouds with a harp can only entertain for so long. Why don't they ever possess someone for a weekend in Vegas or something? I imagine it must be a bit drab since the party at Sodom and Gommora got rained out...with fire!
And finally, who wrote the book on Exorcism? Can we really trust the Roman Ritual? It killed two priests in the Exorcist and imprisoned one in the Exorcism of Emily Rose. Knowing that, if I were a priest, I wouldn't be inclined to perform Exorcisms. I wouldn't care if the victim were speaking backwards lyrics found in an Ozzy Osbourne album. F**k that! I figure better to live and bless another day than risk life and freedom for some poor schmuck who serves as an infernal joyride. Better her than me. I'd most likely refer the possessed to a mental retardation home. I hear that they're real snazzy here in Texas!
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