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| Marriage
by katrinasq at 7/22/2009 8:41:25 AM
Someone in Arkansas chat posted a thread question about marriage, and I was pretty happy with my answer, so I thought I would post it here.
I think many of us have given the concept of marriage some thought. For some of us, like me, we feel like we "belong" in a partnership (which for many means marriage) and it is an emotional thing, and no, it's not for everybody. I liked being married and had a very hard time being OK with being single. For lots of people, it is a legal "entanglement". For me, it is emotional, and yes, some of us it is religious. too. I think when you get married, you're saying to yourself, one another, and the world, "this is my partner for life, and we will always be there for each other in all ways, permanently". As a woman, I was proud to take my ex's name and wear his ring. Legally, it's pooling assets and resources, which, at 20, were pretty nil, and that is a whole different consideration now and with kids to care for.
I don't know that I ever thought marriage binds society. Maybe in years past, but not so much now. I don't think marriage itself is doomed to fail, but I do think we need to learn better communication skills before taking the plunge. Maybe we need to strp back from the emotional aspect of it and share what our realistic expectations of one another arein the long term, not just for the first 5 years. My deal breakers and your deal breakers may not be one and the same and may even change over the years, or not. I also think we need to realize that we do change as we get older, and so do our needs. Are both people flexible enough to meet those changing needs for one another? We also need to make sure that both people have the same view about what "marriage" means to them. Is it just an emotional bond, with finances separate, or is it a partnership in every aspect? My marriage was a complete partnership as we built everything together, and we had "our" kids to care for and plan for. In a second marriage, this may well be completely different because we bring so much more in at 45 than we do at 20. At 20, I laughed when my mom mentioned a prenup. All I had back then was my car, and that was even in her name. My ex and I bought a house together, improved it together, etc, and split everything when we divorced. Now, I have my own home, vehicle, kids, education, and debt.
Will I get married again? Probably, but it will be after many considerations, a prenup, and a lot of time getting to really know the person, not because of past experience, but because of my changing needs and what I have learned about myself over the years. I won't do it again unless and until I am confident that both of us are on the same page about all the major stuff like values, morals, commitment, respect,and what marriage really means.
I'm not sure we need to get government involved in "allowing" marriage under preset conditions. I think it's a very personal decision, and we set those guidelines for ourselves. For that reason, I don't think it is doomed. I just think people need to look at it more realistically than we have in the past and make more effort at making it work. When you're young and blinded by love, you think nothing can come between you, but you find out that the growth and changing OF the two of you comes between you. You think "I'll never change and neither will he" but the nature of being human is that we DO evolve and change. Maybe we just need to commit to being there for one another as these changes occur. I don't know; if I had all the answers, I wouldn't be here, I'd still be married. Maybe the bottom line is "know thyself". But, to borrow a "Bryism", what the heck do I know?
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