|
|
|
Back To Blog Entries
| self-reflection
by stfugr at 9/5/2009 3:45:27 AM
I am in a period of intense self-reflection in my life. I look back over the last year and think WOW. I have come a long way.
You see, in March of 2008, I had spine surgery. It was not my first one. After the last one, I was left with severe nerve damage and in excruciating and debilitating pain. My left leg was partially paralyzed. The only thing the doctors could tell me is that I would be on pain meds and in severe pain for the rest of my life.
I found I was not able to do many of the things I loved to do. One of those was work very hard. I loved hard work. It made me feel alive. I turned down many great paying office jobs to be outside and work on heavy equipment, and such things as earth moving type construction.
Now, I was being told I was completely disabled and would continue to be unless I had another procedure in which they were going to install titanium screws, plates, and rods in my back. Ever see one of those x-rays? Look them up on line, I did.
By October, I had all I could bare with the pain. I was making up my mind to go ahead and have the other procedure.
It was around this time my (then wife) and I started marriage counseling at a local church. I am not a religious nut, but I do believe there is value to be involved with anything that can help you live better as a person.
The counselor/ minister advised us there was a good chance in which we could not stay together, because there were too many issues. (I can divulge more on that another time). Anyway, he advised me to pray about it, which I did. I prayed and prayed and prayed. I hoped for the best, but I mentally prepared myself for a tough road to travel.
I woke up one morning at about 3 AM and I went outside. I sat on the deck with a cup of coffee and looked up at he stars. I thought about my life, and all the opportunities I had let slip away over the years. I remembered the fact that I had never gotten past 8th grade. I had spent a career in the military, retired, and never gotten my GED.
I never needed it, there were always jobs to be had that earned me 45-50K per year as long as I didn't mind working hard. But now, now I don't have that skill any longer. I decided that when the day started, I was going to find out about getting my GED.
A few days went by and then weeks after I took the practice test at the local school. One day a lady called and told me I could go take the GED in the coming week, it was at night and would I would be there for about 3 to 4 hours. I began to tell her about my situation and my condition to which she replied, there were no considerations the school board could make. If I wanted to take the test, I had to go to them.
A week later on a cold rainy night, I went down to take the test. I had my pain meds in my hand. I parked the truck and got my cane out and started limping toward the school. My thoughts were on my pain, and my struggle to get into where the test was to be given.
As I approached the door, a young man stood in the doorway assessing me as I entered the room. We were seated at the same table. He told me he thought I showed a lit of nerve to come there in my condition and take the test.
I put away the pills; I would not need them now. If I were to take them they would certainly mess up my testing abilities. I struggled through the four hours of testing; the young mad helped me to my feet and walked me to the door. I made it back to my house as the snow started falling. I went up to my room, took a pain pill and checked the GED website, where my passing score was already posted.
That was the first day of the rest of my life. I decided right then, I could both take what life gave me and deal with it, or I could do something about it. As I lie in my bed with the pain meds kicking in, I decided to revisit the pain issues with my doctor.
In December, I was thinking about college, finding another job, and getting away from the pain meds. My Doctor told me I should consider not smoking. I laughed at him, "are you kidding me?" I asked. I am in so much pain that I tremble and you think now is the time to quite smoking? "Maybe after the next surgery", I told him.
I had been told I should quit smoking all of my life for one reason or the other. But it was always met with counter reasoning, like "you have to die from something"!
When my doctor told me he would not perform the 3rd procedure on me because I was a smoker, I started to cry. Here I was at my end. This guy was going to let me live in this pain for the rest of my life? Then he sat down and began to explain the science behind how it was affecting my body. No one had ever done that before.
When he explained the process of how the carcinogens in the cigarettes were displacing the oxygen in my blood with CO2, and the lack of oxygen being delivered to my spine was the reason my vertebrae were not fusing together. This was the reason he could not install the screws and pins. My bones would not heal themselves.
I left there that day, and had one last smoke. I threw the pack away and never looked back. I read everything I could read about improving my health and reversing the effects of smoking on my body. I also gave my diet a tune up, dropped off a large intake of caffeine, and lost some weight.
By April 1st, I was about 75% pain free, I was enrolled in on line courses for my BSM, and my wife and her children had moved out while I was at work for my last month. I had gotten notice, I was to be released or terminated, because I could no longer work heavy equipment.
By July, I had been to several positions in the federal government. I stuck to it and overcame every challenge that came my way, and now I have a great job with plenty of opportunity. I am doing even better now, (career wise), than I ever have been in my life.
I never had that other procedure. I can't wait to find out what is next in my life. I will tell you one thing, I will not stop going to church because I am convinced that is where it all started.
Thanks for reading.
|
|
|
|
 |