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| In The Beginning
by slave_of_carma at 9/16/2009 7:56:35 PM
This is my blog, and welcome to it. I am a lot like you in a lot of ways. I know that because we are all basically the same in the beginning. In the beginning there is warmth and growth. We swim, we sleep, we wonder, and we hear our mothers’ voices from the outside like the distant roaring of the sea from the comfort of a beach house in the middle of summer.
In the beginning, there is fear. The waters flow out and away, and Mother’s walls no longer hold us in comfort and peace. They are pushing, urging us forward, and in this, we have little if any choice. Some of us fight it. Some of us let ourselves be carried along, pushed forward and forward in to the world of noise and cold and gravity. I was one of these. I did not resist when my time came. Nevertheless, I was not to pass through the door from whence I entered. The ceiling opened, and the doctor’s hands pulled me from her depths, and the doctor’s scissors severed the cord which was to be our only connection.
She did not want to see me. She wouldn’t, couldn’t bring herself to explain her reasoning, but I was sent away, leaving the great steral place called hospital with another woman. She was plump and late in to her fourties, a foster mother for years, or so my new mother told me years later. She called me Baby Jane. I was, for some inecxplicable reason, born a girl. Why this was, I was too small to ponder. I only knew hunger, cold, and a need I couldn’t begin to name, a need for alcohol. My mother was very much lost to drink. She was twenty-four with herpies and border-line diabetes. That is all I will ever know of Sarah.
Sarah, a name I gave her in my mind, means princess. Surely she was somebody’s little girl, some daddy’s princess. Surely, somebody twirled her about the livingroom, holding fast to her little hands as I do with my own little girl. My father was six feet tall. I call him Abraham, because it means father. Were they happy? Were they in love? I guess I’ll never know. Still, it gives me some measure of peace to know they started out just the same as I, swimming, growing, wondering.
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