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| Three Words
by formyepona at 9/22/2009 3:36:50 PM
I received one of those chain emails today….a sweet but sad message about a woman losing her husband, and realizing that there would be no more hugs, no more special moments to celebrate together, no more phone calls just to chat, no more opportunities to say, “I love you,” or moments to cherish together, but were put off for later.
I have been lazy about writing lately, and have only been posting messages that I have received, that I felt were valuable or entertaining. I almost just cut-and-pasted this message, but decided to take one of those irretrievable moments to get the message out there in my own way.
The message is the same, however, and a valid one. I have done it since I was a little girl with my mother tucking me in at night. I was terrified (I know, a bit neurotic, but hey, that’s the wonderfulness of me) that something would happen to my mom during the night, so every night she tucked me in, I told her I loved her. I do it with my son now. No matter how badly we have fought, how much he seems to hate me at the moment, how much I hate myself for almost tossing him out of the house when he’s been horrendously disrespectful to me, every night that he goes to bed, every morning I drop him off at school (and he is a senior, mind you), every time he goes somewhere without me, I subject him to those 3 ugly words. Oh well, he’ll get over it. And should something happen to either of us, at least the one left, will have that to cling to through the loss. Again, neurotic? Maybe, but I refer to the email I received today. No more chances to tell him I love him, I am proud of him, no more hugs from a very reluctant almost-18-year-old young man, or no more hugs from his mom, should I be the one to get the call home. It almost happened once, but he’s forgotten. But at least, he will grow up knowing, and hopefully, will remember it when he’s 25 and maybe doesn’t know everything he thought he knew at 17.
Come October 20, I will be marking the anniversary of the greatest loss I have suffered so far. I have felt it coming for awhile now. I had four short years to make the best of that love. I soaked up every moment I could, until the last 6 months, when I allowed life and family pressure to push me away from taking advantage of the time I had, when I was unaware that there wasn’t much time left. Four years, but if I only had one day with him, I would still settle for it, and make the most of it that I could. What I wouldn’t give for one more day to wrap my arms around him and soak up the love I felt for and from him, go home smelling like him. Some of you know what I am referring to, but those of you who don’t, would probably call me insane. Some of you who know, probably still do. Oh well.
The point is, I have always been aware of the tenuous gift of life and love that we have. For the most part, I have done okay in appreciating it with the ones I love and who love me. But I could do better. There have been times I have let it go, and those are the times it has bitten me in the ass. The one moment I say to myself, “I have a date tonight; I will spend more time with him and look into his eyes one more time tomorrow,” is the one moment I watch him walk away for the last time, and find out at 9:25 the next morning, that I won’t be watching him walk away or looking into his eyes and seeing his soul looking back at me and loving me, ever again. The one time I was tested, I failed. I will forever replay that lost moment over in my mind, again and again. I will forever replay the night I left to go to Eureka, and he stood pawing at the gate for me to come back, and I didn’t.
I have since lost those important to me, and have chastised myself for not spending enough precious moments with them. For awhile, I am more diligent about those precious moments and saying I love you to those who should hear it. After awhile, I get lazy again, and need to be reminded of the risk I take in losing those precious moments and those precious souls forever.
This is the risk we take, every moment we have the chance to take one more moment, one more risk, to let those we love, know we love them. To take the time to wrap our arms around someone we love, instead of letting the moment pass because we are afraid, or because we have something better to do. To take that time and take that trip or just sit on the grass or under the stars, instead of working and making that extra buck, or having our head shoved in the computer or the TV, because we’re tired or lazy and it’s easier to do. To have that talk and work out those problems and make the relationship work, because walking away is easier and fixing it is sooooo hard and so damned much work that we wonder if it’s really worth it.
At this point, I AM gonna paraphrase and beg forgiveness of the Writing Gods, because the original says it perfectly.
“Sometimes, what we care about the most gets all used up and goes away, never to return before we can say good-bye, say I love you."
So while we have it, it's best we love it, care for it, fix it when it's broken and heal it when it's sick. This is true for relationships.....And old cars... And children with bad report cards, and dogs with bad hips, and aging parents and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it.
Suppose one morning you never wake up. Do all your loved ones know you love them?
I could die today, tomorrow or next week. Do I have any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said?”
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