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| Wednesday, September 29th, 2009
by anniefaye33 at 9/30/2009 11:42:55 AM
I've been thinking and something has been on my mind. I know how I used to be before I got sick. And as I look back, I had a great time and loved my reality, but I didn't like myself. I didn't think that I was pretty..(I knew I had a "hot bod" and I did use that to my advantage)..but as far as ME as a person, I never saw what other people told me that I had in me. Like, someone would say that I have a natural mothering intinct that is loving; they compliment me and that's that. Right? Wrong....because I would just wonder what they are talking about. I never really stood outside myself and looked at myself in a outside fashion. Today I was doing that and I started to get anxious. I, right now, am trying to rebuild ME. I've started this process about 3 weeks ago. And the longer it is and the more I look at myself, I wonder, "How the hell could I have let myself get so bad? When did I loose myself? Am I really the cause of my marriage to fall apart? What insanity!!"
I remember back when I was about 7-8 years old and I would sit and imagine what my life was going to be like when I was 25 or 30. I never imagined my life being any longer than 36 years. But the life that I recall imagining is not the one that I lead that is for damn sure. I was supposed to me married to someone who was solid in all areas, I was to be an english professor, I would have 2 or 3 kids and a nice poche home in the suburbs somewhere. There wasn't going to be any worry about money because my husband and I made plenty to afford a very comfortable lifestyle. When I think about that and then take a look at my life for real, now at age 34!! There isn't much simularities from back then to right now. However, I never imagined that I would believe in what I do and think how I think. Nor did I know that I was going to get sick to the point of breakdown after breakdown. So I don't know whether to be disappointed in myself for not accomplishing what I imagined or if I should be pissed for getting sick and sidelining me for 12 years. HHmmmmmm
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