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| Monday, October 5th, 2009 Sunshine!!!! 
by anniefaye33 at 10/5/2009 11:51:10 AM
Yeah!!! There is some sunshine right now. It is so good to see. Even though I know it's only for a little bit. Then more rain crap is coming through.
Yesterday I was sitting on my pitty pot thinking and feeling ever so lonely. I was crying and sobbing because I felt as though I was unlove and unwanted. I began to think about my ex-husband and I split up. How he basically just threw me and my son and daughter away just so that he could continue to drink. I still cannot get over what he said to me that afternoon...."I don't want to deal with this anymore. I need you to take your shit. Yes...all of your shit and pack up and leave the house. I can't do this anymore." That was his response to my altimatum of: "You have to make a choice right now...either me and our family or your beer. Pick one because I will no longer be part of your drinking." He chose his beer. And told me and our 7 yr old son and 11 yr old daughter to leave what was our home for 10 years. I have never felt so disregaurded and thrown away in my life.
It took me a good year and a half to get over him. To come to terms with the fact that there is no us anymore. That there is no chance of us getting back together. I had to call him and say goodbye to him one on one. I wish it could have been in person but I only had the phone. It stil worked being over the phone. I had to tell him that no matter what I was always going to love him. He would always hold a piece of my heart that no one will ever be able to get to. I thanked him for the best 10 years of my life and I said thanks alot for the worst 10 years of my life. I said "You gave me the kind of love that very few people get to experience and for that I will be forever in your debt." There were a couple of specific things that I got into to express my feelings about, it was just the right time to finally come out and say some things to him. All in all, the conversation took about 20 minutes and I got to say all of my damn you's, I'm gratefull's and my thank you's to him. Then I said goodbye to him. As I was saying these things to Bob, my whole soul hurt. It was so painful and agonizing....because I was finally admitting to the fact that it was over and I needed to move on. I was getting sick because I was obsessed with it.
So it's been about 8 months since I've said goodbye to Bob and now it's time for me to turn a new leaf. Eight months later, I am finally ready to open myself to the idea that there may be someone out there for me again after all.
I did have a talk with Scott and rather than hanging out in my home, we are gonna go bowling and shoot pool and what not. I wasn't comfortable with the whole hanging in my place idea. Especially since I don't really know the guy other than what he's said to me in e-mails and on the phone. But I am sure Jeffery Dahmer was by all appearances fine and dandy. If you catch my drift. I just need to be out in public with him for the beginning. I am not saying that Scott is some psycho or something, I'd just rather be safe than sorry. I think that I am going to ask him if he minded if we just met at the bowling alley, so that way he doesn't know where I live. Don't want to encourage any stalking either. My gut tells me that Scott is a good person, but I just don't have time for any kinda BS...ya know.
Well, I am going to go write my brother, who is in jail right now....till the first week in November... so I'm gonna get going.
Hope you all are having a sunshiny day.
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