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| 10.07.2009 - Exorcizing the ghosts of deadbeats
by chakra4 at 10/7/2009 10:51:55 AM
With Halloween just a couple of weekends off, my thoughts have turned to ghosts, ghouls, and goblins; but not the kind that come knocking at one's door asking for candy. No, it is the more sinister ones which have come to my attention lately, demons far worse than those which haunted Regan MacNeil in "The Exorcist". For these gremlins are much more insidious, as they live in our hearts, yet remain largely hidden, except through the decisions we make. Just as kids who come dressed up, pretending to be something they are not, yelling "Trick or Treat"; so we let these entities come into our lives. It is an easy enough mistake to make, I know for at this point I've become quite a veteran. You meet someone who seems very nice, fitting in to your hopes for the future and they are allowed to enter. For awhile there is the 'treat' of a new romance or if a marriage, 'the honeymoon phase'. Be it months or years, unfortunately for the vast majority of those of us on this site comes the realization of the 'trick'. The person who we thought was Mr. or Ms. Right, instead turned out to be someone else in a costume. The fangs sunk into us, be it by vampire or snake do not so much drain us of blood but rather immobilize our souls. As for me, the last decade since my divorce has led me into relationships with a few women who would neatly fit in to a DSM-IV classification. I can tell you from firsthand experience how wonderful it is to feel 'loved' at first by someone during the 'idealization' period by a person who has Borderline Personality Disorder. Or to know the exuberant energy of a Bipolar, while they are going through a 'mantic episode.' Now having made that mistake once too often, I am much more cautious to not ignore those little 'red-flags', in the hope of avoiding that path the next time. However yesterday after speaking with two female friends, I'm concerned that rather than taking off the 'rose colored glasses', many of us have replaced them with grey ones instead. That is unfairly tainting our views of men or women we really don't know by these past bad experiences. The gals I talked to both have been married as well as raised and supported their children largely alone. When our conversation turned to the subject of marriage or having more kids, I was told flatly that they didn't "…want to make that mistake again". Really for them this is an issue of being scared, for they have yet to exorcize the ghosts of the deadbeat men from their minds. I know that some people call this baggage, as if it is a piece of American Tourister. However I think that is a poor metaphor, for rather than something put away in a closet, hid under the bed, or stored in ones attic, this monster's tendrils grow to suffocate one's ability to love and be loved. Instead of a bag which can be set out with the other garbage, we have a pruning job to do. Left unattended, our earthly home becomes over grown with vines. I think of movies I have seen where a 'witch' lives in such a rundown house. "Big Fish" was one like that, not a horror film, but rather a romance, where the woman 'Jenny' is assumed by some young boys to be evil when in the end she is not. I shan't spoil the plot for those who have not seen it, other than to say it was a testimony to great love, growth, and forgiveness. But it was bitter sweet too, for as in the movie when the door is closed, because of past hurts, the person each of us really needs maybe left standing outside on the porch. As for me, I remain too much of a romantic to not try again and be willing to answer when the bell rings. This isn't to say I'm not a bit wiser from my experiences, just that I still believe that it is possible to overcome the fear and in doing so rid ourselves of the ghosts which hold us back. I've many treats to offer a lady and hope to someday find a woman that can do the same for me.
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