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| my dearest freedom
by surpise_kia at 10/12/2009 4:31:53 PM
It has been such a long time since I've seen your face.
I've developed some lines on my own for certain. I know that you have been watching me from afar, head bowed with grief. Freedom, have I lost your respect? I admit it, I have been scared of you. I hid from you, even when you were the only light illuminating my world. I backed away from you; afraid you would burn, or worse, expose the real me.
The real me, freedom, wears the face of someone who loves the world, and its children. The real me carries a whip and wears latex pants on Saturday nights. The real me, loves to open the windows and let the breeze come in. The real me secretly wishes she had more of a reggae collection.
I have missed you, freedom, and yet I don't think we've spent much more than five minutes in the same room together before I panicked and locked you in a small box, then placed it out of reach.
Freedom, can you forgive me? Can you understand that I do not know what it means to be you. I have felt abandon; I have felt wildly sexy, intimidating, strong, and wise, but I have never felt free. I have prayed for you to come to me; I have written your name all over my life, and yet, even in the face of change, I do not want you here.
I am so afraid. I am so afraid of the box you hold, arms outstretched, with your faceless grin. Freedom, what do you have in store for me? What do you want me to do? Do you want me to say "no?" Do you want me to stand by myself? Do you want me to tell the truth? Will that truly be the end of this fear? Freedom, I want you to give me the answers but you operate in the exact opposite manner, don't you?
Well then, I guess it is up to me.
How terribly frightening. How terribly free
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