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| Guide for Women
by trippy_hare at 10/29/2009 4:53:23 AM
First of all, this guide is going to be a lot more genial in tone than the men's version- because men turn into drooling neanderthal idiots when you put them on the internet. The only way to attempt to counteract that is to be blunt- sometimes brutally so, often with swear words and TEXT IN ALL CAPS to drive home a point.
Women are more subtle- so there will be less swearing and ALL CAPS. But more brutal honesty. Ready?
Here we go.
Let me start by saying- men are simple. Okay, now, most of you probably thought to yourselves "that's not true, because why would he (insert some stupid thing a guy did to you here)".
Right there is one problem- men's brains are wired muchdifferently than yours. Studies have proven- rather clearly- that men used Report-Giving speech patterns: a man's conversation will consist of relaying information to a recipient in as clear and simple a manner as possible. Men don't just "talk" for the sake of talking- not even a bunch of them in a group working on a car or playing poker or Xbox or whatever. Men identify an issue, relay it, then look for a solution.
Women, on the other hand, use Rapport Building speech patterns. Women seek out the cause of an issue, explore the sentiment behind it, the reaction it initiates in them, compare it to the reaction of other women to see if there is a pattern to derive, then discuss it. Women like to talk- that's not me being sexist, that's science. Don't believe me? Here's a simple experiment-
Call your mother. How long are you on the phone with her? Now, call your father. Compare.
See?
That's one of the biggest sources of conflict right there.
Which reminds me of the single most-often repeated mistake women make on profiles- sending mixed signals.
Remember how guys are simple? Well, I'm about to use a car analogy to describe it. Men are like cars that only have Drive and Reverse. That's it. Men are traffic lights that consist of red for "stop" and green for "go", and absolutely nothing else ever.
Keep that in mind when you select profile pictures. Some women post lots of pictures in sexy outfits (which is nice), then write a profile full of complaints that men only ever want sex. Well, sexy pics- to the Guy brain- says "GREEN FOR GO, GREEN FOR GO!", while the profile screams "OMG RED STOP!" Our brains simply can't process both at once. Since men are visual creatures- i.e., since we don't talk as much we like looking at things- the first thing any guy sees is the pictures. If he even reads the profile, it's rare. Why bother reading a profile if the woman is dressed in a miniskirt, halter top, and sexy heels?
Another important thing to consider- men have two brains, but only one can be running at any given time. If your pic is intended to get the lower one working, there's no way in hell the upper one is even going to register that there are words on the screen.
I'm not saying dress frumpy, in sweats and such- because it works both ways. A sexy picture will make guys so keyed in they don't bother reading, while a frumpy picture will make guys so turned off they won't bother reading. So how do you choose which pics to upload? Well, call me crazy, but there are a lot more clothes in the world for women besides "sexy secretary/dancer/etc" and "frumpy alcoholic housewife". So pick something in between. Wear it like you would if you were going to the movies. (Seriously- you don't wear skimpy outfits to the movies, because it's too dark to see anything...right?)
Also, and this is vital- smile. Seriously. Guys like it when a girl smiles at them. Sincere smiles, please- fake ones are easy to spot. And I do mean "smile": not "pucker up", or "come hither smirk", or "frenzied mouth-wide-open wave". Just smile. A normal, average, everyday, "isn't it nice out today?" smile.
Now, on to the actual writing.
Another surprising fact about men is that the Male Ego isn't indestructable. We don't like being compared to exes- not even favorably, really. Endless talk of "my ex was such an a**hole" freaks us out, because that sort of talk means we have to walk on eggshells and be extra-super-nice, just to prove we aren't like the jerkbag who broke your heart. It's hard work, and men aren't particularly good at it for long stretches of time. Same thing applies to "my ex and I always used to (insert fond memory here)"- in that scenario, we also have to try far harder than we are capable of to be extra-super-fun, to prove we aren't a stick-in-the-mud drag that will end up boring you. Remember, your profile is essentially the conversation you'd have with someone at a Starbucks- kind of like a 1/16th date. Mentioning an ex within minutes of meeting somebody for the first time is a pretty good way to make us avoid going to that Starbucks ever again. Wait until things get more serious to bring up the ex, if you absolutely must do so, and even then, only do it a little.
The next most common mistake is male-hating rants. "All men ever want is sex! (angry face)" is a terrible thing to put on your profile, because it tells every guy who reads it that you're going to superglue their testicles to their kneecaps the first chance you get, then kick little boys in the crotch like the sadistic, man-hating sociopath you are. (I know you don't really hate all men, and would never actually do any of that. But long-winded tirades about how men only want sex makes us think you hate sex. Men equate sex with their junk- so hating sex means you hate our junk. Men also associate violence with things they hate- so hating our junk makes us think you will act violently against it. We don't like that.)
You're probably thinking men are complicated right now. Well, stop it. We aren't.
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