|
|
|
Back To Blog Entries
| Military Commericals!
by eric1313 at 12/25/2007 8:05:33 PM
Brothers and sisters, it has been a while since I offered my insider's view of the military, but as I watched yet another asinine Navy commercial, I almost vomited. Here are the differences between what you see on TV and what they offer after you sign a contract.
First of all, Navy is an acronym meaning Never Again Volunteer Yourself. It is comparable to the acronym when I served in the US Army; Yes My Retarded Ass Signed Up.
But the groovy TV commercials still attract thousands a year, and here is how they do it...
In the Navy you can learn skills that are useful in civilian life...
Technically that is true...until 9/11. As a Seabee, my technical job was heavy construction equipment operator. But I haven't touched a piece of heavy equipment in years. Instead they train us in useful civilian career options such as creating a field of fire, using grenades to clear a room, counter-ambush and IED drills, killing someone with weapons ranging from a mud-borne bomb to a knife.
Yeah, I can see the interview at USAA now...
Interviewer: Tell me, Mr. Wetmore, how can your experience benefit our thousands of customers at USAA.
Me: Well sir, if any of those rascally customers get out of line, I can gut their children, while, at the same time, ensuring granny hits the tripwire to my improvised grenade-in-a-soup-can trap. They'll NEVER collect on a claim...if they're dead.
Visit exotic places while serving your country...
BULLSHIT! The most exotic place I've seen was when I was stationed at Fort Leanord Wood, Missouri. Yes, that's right, Missouri. Exotic entertainment for those bumpkins was when I paid a pregnant stripper with three teeth to bite my neck. Oh yeah, and let's not forget the aged swinger couple who wanted me to... That was real! F**king gross!
Accelerate your life...
Is that when, as a junior troop, I had to clean pubic hair in the female head, and the only female was a fat dyke with a drip? Or was it that time our NCO ran us 3 miles in full MOPP gear (that plastic Darth Vader-looking chemical suit..it's f**kiing HOT) at Camp Pendelton?
Do things that your friends at home only dream about...
I don't know what kind of friends the narrator has, but I'm sure that my friends don't envy the idea of being in a room full of naked guys, all waiting for the doc to stick his finger up your ass.
...And the tragic thing is that he doesn't even sweet talk you first. I felt so used.
Do my friends envy NOT showering for days, and sometimes weeks on end? Don't get me wrong, I know some filthy mother-f**kers, but even they clean themselves with water from time to time...
The Navy always shows SEALS like ANYBODY can do it...
What they fail to show is BUDS attrition rates average 80-100% failure. All broken SEALS end up as grubby Seabees...the same people they scorned in their running cadences.
The Navy only displays attractive female sailors...
Where the f**k are they? I thought when I left the Army I left all bull dykes behind. F**k No! They all followed me to the Navy.
...yet despite it all, I love it.
And oh yeah, just in case you were wondering, I hate fleet sailors. They're all gay!
|
|
|
|
|
 |