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| An atheist? Yes. But also very much a spritual man.
by joyschoice at 4/16/2008 12:57:18 AM
I may be an atheist, but I consider myself a very spiritual person. In my way, of course.
I never used to believe in the everlasting soul of man, I used to think that the soul is a function of the mind, of the brain. In the last three years I have seen my health decline rapidly, and I’m sure it’s accelerated my movement on the path along spirituality, which path I entered about eight years ago.
First I needed to detach myself from the regimentation of atheism – I had to get comfortable with the paradigm of matter, time, and space not being the only entities in this world. Interestingly I developed this easing out of a mechanistic weltanschauung by being part of a huge conversation forum group, here in Toronto, of the Humanist Forum. The people in the group were nice, upright, secular humanists, with all the best intentions towards their fellow men, but almost all of them came out of a fundamentalist background (of all faiths and sects) and they concerned themselves mainly with bashing religions and religious beliefs. I am, however, a contrarian thinker. Though I had all my life been adhering to atheism, for the first time I saw the point of religion, for the first time I sensed the importance of it in a man’s life.
So I still don’t believe in a god, in any god. But I do accept the possibility of an undying and everlasting soul. I do believe that souls are not god-given, but sort of a necessary part of complex matter; but still, souls are not just a slavish extension, or function of these complex material structures. I believe that souls have come from a large depository of soul-matter, and they hunt down and attach themselves to a new life when it forms. I do believe that it’s complexity that they seek, and perhaps a certain type of complexity – a complexity that presupposes the ability to perceive and feel and emote and think, in however rudimentary a way. I do believe that earthworms and dogs and amoebas all have souls, though not as heavily equipped ones with "artillery power" as ours, the humans'.
Why do I believe this now? I did some reading some twenty years ago on some dying sheep losing a bit of mass at the moment of death, and it served as evidence to the material side of soul. I’ll one day make an experiment myself: I’ll buy some fish and see if they lose weight at the moment of death. I’ll try to be as humanitarian with them as possible.
Secondly, I read some philosophy, in which the author stated that we do have an impression that each of us has a soul – and that is not proof, but evidence more toward having a soul than toward not having a soul.
Thirdly, and this is the most important point, a recurring thought from since childhood has given even more impetus. I never could reconcile perception – feelings, emotions, seeing, appreciation of art, any sort of perception – and how they become an experience from the purely physical impulses in our nerve receptors. True, science explains it as a survival tool, and religion explains it – well, never mind religion. But never mind the survival value, what is it that gives me a vision, what is it in me that sees? Is it the eyes? No. The brain? Maybe. Now I believe that the brain is aided by our soul. The soul is a value-added appendage to our bodies, and without our souls we would be mere machines.
Once two years or so ago I went to a hand-specialist's office, after I had broken my right hand in a bicycling accident. It was during the time of a very wonderful period in my life, when everything was coming my way. (Much more than that, but that’s a different topic altogether.) The doctor cornered me in her office, and took my hand in hers, held it with one and stroked it gently with the other. She started to talk, and it was a wonderful fairytale she told me – I don’t remember the words at all, she was probably talking about the prognosis and how I should take care of it now that it was out of the cast. The words were mere carriers of her voice, and it was the emotions and the magic in the voice that was the actual message. It was her voice, her look, her – yes – soulfulness that grabbed me. I could not contain myself, I started to stroke her stroking hand with my other one. She smiled and her eyes were full of beautiful warmth. I put my free hand on her knee. She gave me an inviting smile, full of love. We had never seen each other before this meeting. We were both in a trance, as if enchanted or bewitched, or what I like to think – in complete harmony with each other because we were also in harmony with the oneness of the universe. So I leaned forward to kiss her – and she woke from the trance. She pushed her chair back on its coasters, and was instantaneously five feet from me. She never came up close again, and of course I never approached her there either. Afterwards I wrote a letter to her that I believed that this was an experience that took on a life of its own, this pure existential love or whatever, and it got born and like a little twinkling bubble started to float in space. It bumped into objects and bounced off them: the chair, the door, the corridor, the lampposts, the trees, the cars – and sometimes it bumped against dogs and people and tigers, and when it did, people and dogs and tigers and sharks and hippopotamuses got a little bit of courage, energy, whatever, that our twinkling bubble gifted to them.
This is fantasy, but more than that: This was more believable to me than believing that it’s not so. It’s my type of spirituality. A sentimental one, true; but it’s mine, and I did not get it from anyone else. Religion is for sheep, or “flock”. I am an individual. I am spiritual, not religious. Very much an atheist.
This twinkle-bubble experience was what triggered me really to become a spiritual person, a person who now believes that there is more to life than just matter, space and time. I now believe there are other forces in the universe as well, but I cannot make up my mind to believe in the system I’ve designed so far. Yes, I do believe more in the twinkle-bubbles than not believe in them, but the other stuff – the way the soul enters the body of the new life, etc. etc. is still something that I don’t fully subscribe to as a belief. I need to massage my mind more, I need to come up with more convincing thoughts.
I don’t believe in what I believe in, but I’m sure I will one day. I am confident I will be able to work the whole thing eventually. Wish me luck, but please, no prayers for me. They’ll only jinx it.
Toronto, April 16, 2008.
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