Clarity VS. Addiction
by great88 at 5/9/2008 3:24:10 AM
 What is "CLARITY"?  clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity.
What is "ADDICTION"?  the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics or alcohol, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma or death.
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I agree with both of those definitions to a certain degree.... I know that Webster's Dictionary can't get too involved with thier descriptions, /i.e./ defintions. It's a constant debate sometimes.... I see folks out there, trying thier best to stay clean, and yet the emotional part is for some of them they can't. The drug or alcohol has become apart of them. As for me, I can only be responsible for me and my actions and behavior. As I said in my last blog I am unperfect.
I saw a homeless guy yesterday near the Winco where I shop at for groceries. He asked me for change, and I gave him $5. I said to him... "Can I talk to you for a second?" He started to pull away like maybe I was going to tell a policeman or something. I said, " No, no brother it's cool; I'm not going to freak out on you..." His body language changed, and we sat down on the benches in front there.
I asked him how long have you been on the street? He said, "I don't know...what day is it?" I told him, "It's Wednesday." He said he had been out here for about 8 months. He proceeded to tell this his story of woe, and strife... He came out here for vacation, and he and his wife we're gambling, and partying. His wife won a huge amount of money, and split on him. I said to him, "You mean she just left you here??"
He said "Yep..." I asked him, "You have no clue where she is?" He said "Oh yeah, I found out later that she died of an overdose with some dudes at the Motel 6." At this point my mouth dropped, and I regained my composure. I took his hand, and said to him "Gee whiz man I'm sorry." I asked him, "How are you living out here? Are you just pan-handling?" "Are you raising money to get home, wherever home is?"
He said, "No..." Then he paused, and looked down at his shoes. He whispered to me, "I just want to die... I hate living like this...I hate myself" He said, "I'm using your $5 for some meth I can score from a friend I know." He asked me, "Do you want your money back?" I said, "No dude..." At this point in my head I'm thinking this man is having a MOMENT OF CLARITY...?
I aksed to see his arms, and his wrists because he was hiding them... For some reason, this man is trusting me... people are coming and going in and out of the store. This man's arms were all scratched up, and scabbed up... not just little scratches, but sores, like he was clawing at his own flesh trying to escape from himself. After seeing this, I knew that this was the demon called ADDICTION. Now as I said in my last blog too, I shake hands with my demons everyday.
All the while I was speaking to him and looking over him, I knew he'd been on the street for a while, and he certainly didn't look good or smell that great, but I ignored that. I had this feeling he was asking for help, and just waiting for someone to help him. I said to him, "Are you sick and tired of BEING sick and tired?" "This meth you're going to get, is it worth it right now?" "Is it worth your soul?" Just them his stomach growled...loud too.... I said to him, "Wouldn't you rather get something to eat with the $5?" He said to me, "Why do you care?" I said to him, "Because I AM you" "I'm sober now, and I got help."
He looked back down at his shoes.... he said, "I don't know what I want, or where I want to go, or why I'm even here still." I said to him, "I know a place we can go, where you can get some food, and cool people to talk to, and a cup of coffee, and even a shower maybe." I asked him, "Do you trust me?" He looked me in my eyes, and saw that I was serious and that I wasn't kidding. He said, "Yea... I trust you."
I said, "My van's right over there... and this place we're going is not far." I said to him, "If you really want this, you come with me, and we can get you some help" "Do you want help?" He said "Yea..." I asked, "What's your name man?" He said, "Chuck" I said, "C'mon Chuck, let's get outta here." I turned to get into my purse to get my keys, and when I turned around, Chuck was gone. Just like that. I yelled out, "Hey Chuck!!!" Nothing.... no trace of him, just that quick! Holy shit! I thought!
I felt defeated, and I felt like a bit of an a** just then too. I held my keys in my hand standing in the middle of the fricken parking lot, and slowly walked to my van. I cried for him. I asked God to give that man the courage to get help someday, and to take away his pain. ADDICTION won this time. It sucked... I hated it.... I thought I was doing some good here.
I get into my van and I'm thinking again... (Which in most cases, acoholic/addicts should NOT do...hahahaha) The commitee in my head decided to hold a caucus. Thay called me a failure, and that I was trying to do God's work, and I failed. I was trying to spread the message, and I FALIED. The other half was saying, I did my best, and I am powerless... I am compassionate to the person who still suffers, I will keep on trying. Arguement after arguement over and over in my head, until I just yelled in my van STOP IT!
I decided at that moment to go home. I just took a deep breath, and let it go. I know that ADDICTION won this time, but it won't be every time. I see newcomers in my meetings all the time, and I see myself in every one of those people. I make it a point to introduce myself, and shake hands with that person, or even hug them. CLARITY will win. My defintion of CLARITY is simple. CLARITY is God's voice telling you to let go. God as YOU understand him/her.
God is everywhere... If you find time, say a prayer for someone, or even just think a good thought for them. People helping people.
 This is what I ask for myself, and others:
 God, make me a channel of thy peace, that where there is hatred, I may bring love; that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness; that where there is discord, I may bring harmony; that where there is error, I may bring truth; that where there is doubt, I may bring faith; that where there is despair, I may bring hope; that where there are shadows, I may bring light that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.
God, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted; to understand, than to be understood; to love, than to be loved. For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven.
It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life.
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