Forums: Relationships: new relationship advice...food for thought
5/30/2008 7:43:15 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 
apom
Altamonte Springs, FL
age: 30

So recently my girlfriend of 4 years called it quits on me and I had to move out, lose touch with her and her friends and start life anew in a place I originally moved down to so I could be with her.

I met someone a few weeks ago and I'm trying to figure her out. She knows some of my situation and knows that Im on the rebound. We see each other about twice a week and talk about 10 minutes on the phone on they days we dont. We started meeting up about 3 weeks ago and I'm really attracted to her. She says we need to go slow but admits I'm attractive and likes being with me. A few days ago she told me she had to stay home one night to clean her place up and the next night we met up she invited me over to watch a playoff game. (big sports fan). We messed around a bit but we didn't go all the way. I did not force it as I do not want to blow what I have with her.

She has a great career, goes to the gym, loves sports, and has tons of friends. I have to share her with all that and it is very hard. After my breakup I lost everything I had except for my job. I've only been living here for just over a year and everyone I knew, I knew through my ex-girlfriend. Finding new people isn't easy and I really want all my energy to be focused on this new girl. I'm not the type to go look for more on the side just incase things go bad with the current.

What ya'll think? Am I moving forward? I have no idea. Us men are like the cars in nascar.. sure we're always moving..but the women are the ones who hold the flags.

5/30/2008 8:47:07 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 

rocklady
Lenoir, NC
age: 46

keep taking your time and enjoy the moments. Have fun!!
friendship is a great way to start

5/30/2008 10:35:39 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 

ccubedccc
Denver, CO
age: 54

Congrats on taking the risk and meeting someone new.

Slow and steady doesn't mean stalled, it really means positive, forward movement.

Taking some time and moving slow I think is a good thing. After the breakup of a long term relationship, it takes time to heal and go through the stages of grieving (denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance) but that timeframe can vary from person to person.

I wish you luck and admire your willingness to move forward!!

5/30/2008 11:09:54 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 

raven74
Kalamazoo, MI
age: 52

Slow it down... take your time... enjoy. Don't rush it... I don't want you to end up like my friend who didn't have a place to go after he split with my friend... he initiated it after their relationship wasn't going any where and because he didn't like sleeping on someone's couch was eying this woman whom he claims he thought was a lesbian... she had broken up with her partner... he starts hanging with her... she gets pregnant and they get married. And within a year at 51 has a one year old and is locked into this marriage, hiding from the wifey at times because he can't get along with her...He is stuck and can't afford to pay child support and won't get away without paying because she works for a prosecuting attorney. Sucks to be him.

5/30/2008 11:38:52 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 

mjkittredge
Nashua, NH
age: 27

Don't over-think it. Be a positive fun person in her life and appreciate her. You start worrying too much about this or that, sooner or later that worry will slip out in the form of negative comments or actions. It gets to the point you are more and more on edge until you screw it up.

It doesn't have to be that way though. Going slow is a good idea, how you held back with the sexual fooling around stuff. If you have intercourse too soon, I've noticed that women guilt trip themselves and start to distance themselves from you afterwards. They do what you are doing now, they over-think and worry and that can ruin it.

Maybe when she is ready for full intercourse, she'll let you know and initiate it. See how she reacts a day or two later to the fooling around, if she gets withdrawn or if things continue as normal.

5/31/2008 12:09:43 AMnew relationship advice...food for thought 
muffycakes
Chanhassen, MN
age: 26

well based on what you are saying it sounds like you dont have much in life right now besides work and this fragile relationship with this new girl. I would recommend getting involved in something. If you like gym and sports you should join a team or a group of sorts. You need something to occupy your time other than this woman. Take it slow and communicate with her what your problems and needs are. Women need to know these things and we are not mind readers, we will not think of you as weak if you tell us what your concerns are. Good luck.

5/31/2008 1:08:39 AMnew relationship advice...food for thought 

mjkittredge
Nashua, NH
age: 27

Muffy makes some good points. If you put all your eggs in one basket, you're f**ked if you drop the basket. Branch out with activities, personal and social. Have a bunch of things you enjoy a lot and have to look forward to on a regular basis.

I know first hand how hard it can be as an outsider in a new location, nobdoy knows you - and somehow you're supposed to make friends. When the rest of the people around you have their buddies from High School they grew up with in the town or city. Be friendly and open to whatever opportunities might come up.

5/31/2008 1:35:19 AMnew relationship advice...food for thought 
ladyvirtue52
Redding, CA
age: 52

It sounds like she is not only independent, but outgoing as well. You should find an outside interest so you can make new friends along the way. That way you arent so focused on this lady. Since she seems to be the center of your life at the moment, having to share her as you put it may cause some posessive behavior on your part. If you dont find another interest other than her and your job she may lose interest. Tread lightly, and try not to smother her by calling too much or sounding too disappointed when she cant meet up with you due to other obligations..remember that because she has so many other obligations keeping her busy doesnt necessarily mean she doesnt care for you..she may just be responsible enough to prioritize her obligations..

6/1/2008 3:12:57 PMnew relationship advice...food for thought 
roket
Casa Grande, AZ
age: 52

Hey don't feel bad. Ya got clobbered in the love department and your lucky enough to meet a lady that has a life? And includes you innit? COOL! Sometimes it's hard to know how fast or slow but it sounds like you already know something that many haven't figured out. That little NASCAR analogy says it all. Gotta remember that.

I have read several articles on relationships through the years by Phd's in the field and though you get many different opinions from as many psych's. They all seem to agree on one thing. In a relationship, the woman sets the pace. She is the gatekeeper and will let you through at her pace and as far as she wants. Respect that. Judging by you NASCAR comment ya already know that.

And you commented you like to play one at a time rather than "hedge your bets" as in "I'm not the type to go look for more on the side just in case things go bad with the current.". In my eyes your only 30 but that is a maturity beyond your years. One at a time is just classier on soooo many levels. Kudos. Just hang in there..

Also there are some good relevant posts here replying to you I would read them. One by Ladyvirtue is succinct and well put. Read it. Know it. Live it. ok ok I cant keep a straight face there lol. Seriously it really is good advice I would listen to the Lady. Hang in there don't rush and enjoy. It's never the destination in relationships rather it is the journey that we all enjoy so take time to smell the flowers. And develop your life. Your gal sounds like she "has a life" so you make sure you "have a life" too to share with hers. Kinda what one of the points Ladyvirtue was saying too among several she made.



[Edited 6/1/2008 3:15:12 PM]