My favorite funny stories

11/20/2007 11:50:42 AM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	I collect funny stories. I prefer the true ones. They are usually so dumb it is comical. The first one is not a true story. 9 Things I Hate About Everyone 1.People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is? 2.People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually. 3.When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? 4.When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is, why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! 5.When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. 6.People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? 7.When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new. 8.When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? 9.When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks: "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass!!! ********************************************************************* This is actually happened A Lesson in Campground Etiquette (or “A rose by any other name...”) Senior Citizens News Dec. 95 My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady – always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. When she had her husband began planning a week's camping vacation, she wrote to a particular campground and asked for reservations. We wanted to make sure that the campground was fully-equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word “toilet” in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term, “bathroom commode.” Once written down, though, she still wasn't comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation “B.C” and wrote, “Does your campground have its own B.C.?” The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all. When he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman meant by that “B.C.” business. He showed it to several of the campers, but they couldn't figure it out either. Then suddenly it dawned on them. The lady was obviously referring to the Baptist Church! “Does the campground have it's own Baptist Church. So he sent the lady the following reply: Dear Madam, The BC is located nine miles from the campground if you are in the habit of going regularly. No doubt you will be pleased to know that it will seat 350 people at one time and it is open on Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday of each week. Some folks like to take their lunch and make a day of it, especially on Thursday when there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are very good and the slightest sound can be heard by everyone. It may interest you to know that my daughter met her husband at the BC. Also, we are in the process of having a fund-raiser to purchase plush seats for the BC. We feel this is a long felt need as the old seats have holes in them. The fund-raiser will be held in the basement of the BC. My wife is rather delicate; therefore she has not been able to attend regularly. It has been six months since she last went. It pains her very much not being able to go more often. As we grow older it seems to be more of an effort, especially in cold weather. I will close now with the desire to accommodate you in every way possible. Perhaps I could accompany you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks who will be there. Remember, this is a friendly campground. *******************************************************************
11/20/2007 11:52:19 AM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	*********************************************************************** Not a true one. A Letter from Camp Dear Mom and Dad, Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her that he's OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride on one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put a gas can on a fire, the gas can will blow up? Billy is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that with a car that old you to have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride in the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in a car. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. Don't worry about anything. We are fine. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. *********************************************************************
11/20/2007 11:53:01 AM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	not a true story A.A.A.D.D. Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start towards the garage, I notice there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table and notice that the can is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table and see that there is only once check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I’m going to look for my checks but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head towards the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye, they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonite when we go to watch TV I will be looking for the remote but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs but first I’ll water the flowers I pour some water in the flowers but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: the car is not washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers don’t have enough water, there is still only one check in my check book, I can’t find the remote, I cant find my glasses, I don’t remember what I did with the car keys. Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem and I’ll try to get some help for it but first I’ll check my e-mail. Don’t laugh if this isn’t You yet. YOUR DAY IS COMING!!!!!!!!!! *********************************************************************** Not a true one Armani, Which art in Hermes, Hallowed be thy Gucci. Thy Cartier watch, Thy Prada bag, On Rodeo, As it is in Tiffany's. Give us this day, our Visa Titanium And forgive us this overdraft, As we forgive those who decline our MasterCard. Lead us NOT into JC Penney, And deliver us from Sears. For thine is the Chanel, the Gaultier, and the Versace, For Dolce and Gabbana... Amex
11/20/2007 11:55:04 AM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, S/he asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. 1. How did you find out about your deity? __ Newspaper __ Bible __ Torah __ Television __ Book of Mormon __ Divine Inspiration __ Dead Sea Scrolls __ My Mama Done Tol' Me __ Near Death Experience __ Near Life Experience __ National Public Radio __ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery __ Other (specify): _____________ 2. Which model deity did you acquire? __ Jehovah __ Jesus __ Krishna __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak] __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak] __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak] __ Allah __ Satan __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer) __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin) __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god 3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes? __ Yes __ No If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here. Please indicate all that apply: __ Not eternal __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos __ Not omniscient __ Not omnipotent __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations) __ Permits sex outside of marriage __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage __ Makes mistakes __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people __ Looks after life other than that on Earth __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched __ Requires burnt offerings __ Requires virgin sacrifices 4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity? Please check all that apply. __ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live __ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in whom to despise __ Needed focus in whom to love __ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church __ Fear of death __ Wanted to piss off parents __ Wanted to please parents __ Needed a day away from school or work __ Desperate need for certainty __ Like organ music __ Need to feel morally superior __ Thought Jerry Falwell was cool __ Thought there had to be something other than Jerry Falwell __ Shit was falling out of the sky __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it 5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply. __ Baal __ The Almighty Dollar __ Left Wing Liberalism __ The Radical Right __ Amon Ra __ Beelzebub __ Bill Gates __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur __ The Great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin __ The Sun __ The Moon __ The Force __ Cindy Crawford __ Elvis __ A burning shrub __ Psychiatry __ Other: ________________ 6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply. __ Tarot __ Lottery __ Astrology __ Television __ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers __ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics __ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl __ Self-help books __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll __ Biorhythms __ Alcohol __ Marijuana __ Bill Clinton __ Tea Leaves __ EST __ Amway __ CompuServe __ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert __ Crystals __ Human sacrifice __ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert __ Insurance policies __ Burning shrubbery __ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Barney Fife __ Other:_____________________ __ None 7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? Circle one below: a. More Divine Intervention b. Less Divine Intervention c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right d. Don't know. e. What's Divine Intervention? 8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent): a. Disasters: 1 2 3 4 5 flood 1 2 3 4 5 famine 1 2 3 4 5 earthquake 1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts 1 2 3 4 5 pestilence 1 2 3 4 5 plague 1 2 3 4 5 Spam 1 2 3 4 5 AOLers b. Miracles: 1 2 3 4 5 rescues 1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny towns & previously unknown hamlets 1 2 3 4 5 crying statues 1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5 walking on water 1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort 1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever 9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings? __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamoring for my money 10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary):
11/20/2007 11:58:59 AM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	POE UPDATED Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer, I then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing did the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the cursed machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before.Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?" To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored, Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will be one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
11/20/2007 12:01:31 PM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	This is a true one! My hospital discharge instructions. SEX DO NOT INSTRUCTIONS When I came home from a stay in the hospital due to heart problems they gave me a list of instructions on having sex. As I read them they were so comical I could not stop laughing. I am to use only an electric shaver when I shave. ‘That beard of mine is mighty tough! Don’t know if an electric shaver can handle it. I usually use an axe to trim it.’ Can not play any contact sports? ‘Heck there goes my football playing. They were counting on me to knock all the opposing team down.’ Have to have a long talk with caregiver if I decide I want to exercise. ‘Gee! No more jazzercising. Darn!’ I can have sex when I feel ready. ‘So I have to be in the mood first.’ I can only have sex if my caregiver says I can get in the mood. ‘Darn that caregiver!’ I can’t have sex if I eat a big meal. ‘Darn! I was going to chow down on a huge plate of ham, chicken, steak and baked potatoes with pecan pie, cake and ice cream for dessert. Guess that is out of the question.’ No sex if I am tired. ‘If I am tired! Who the blazes would have sex if they are too tired?’ I can not have sex if I have been drinking. ‘I wonder why?’ I can not have sex if I am angry at my mate. ‘Who has sex with someone they are mad at?’ No sex if room is too hot. ‘I am not allowed to open a window or turn on a fan or air conditioner?’ No sex if room is too cold. ‘Gosh! I had thought I could turn a heater on!’ If I have chest pain I am supposed to stop having sex. ‘Wow! I never knew that!’ Talk to my caregiver if I have any concerns or questions. ‘With this list of do nots I have a lot of concerns and questions!’
11/20/2007 12:03:59 PM	My favorite funny stories
ladyeagleheart Grants Pass, OR age: 59	Last but not least. This is a true story out of the newspaper News article from Crescent City newspaper. So how did you break your arm? In North Platte, Nebraska, there lives my sister-in-law who sends me something worth a chuckle every once in awhile. Sometimes, as in this instance, they are culled from the local newspaper and are really belly-laughers. This one we offer along with the note their editor used to introduce it. Take heed. (Note: we've had this contributed story around for several months and kept wondering whether or not we should print it. We thought we'd find out in 1992. You tell us if we should not have- Editor). Even if you are not a skier, you will be able to appreciate the humour of the slopes as written in this account (allegedly as they say in the trade) by a New Orleans newspaper. A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the c*ckles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over, a “tell-me-when-we're-having-fun” kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature below zero doesn't help matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the problem, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than adequate camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to “set” your skis so you don't move. Yup, you've got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backwards, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow missing all of them, and on to another slope. Her pants were still down around her knees and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued downhill, still backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for other skiers. She continued to ski, if you define that verb loosely, back under the lift, eventually colliding violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, put an end to her nudity and summoned the ski patrol who transported her to the hospital. In the emergency room, she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the next bed. “So, how'd you break your leg?” she asked, making small talk. “It was the darndest thing you ever saw,” he said. “I was riding up the ski lift and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom hanging out of her clothes. Her pants were down around her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess I didn’t realize how far I'd moved. Next thing I knew they were picking me up and here I am.” “So, how did you break your arm?”