Forums: Dating General Discussion: When is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce
11/26/2007 10:58:38 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

jelest888
Warren, MI
age: 32

Hi folks, I am new to your forums here and am relieved there is such a thing on the net to ask some questions I am confused about.. but anyway here's my question..

When is it right to start meeting people on dating sites? I am currently legally seperated,and the divorce proceedings will be starting in a few months for myself. I have been seperated since januaray,but my wife physically left me on 9/11 of this year without much reason,and alot of drama..(what a date to pick huh) so emotionally I am by far over her.The most devastating point of this failure of a marriage is not being able to see my son everyday,but thats another story.

I feel like I am starting to get my life back little bit by little bit..though there are nagging financial attachments I am trying to cut from her (i.e the house)etc..
I have thought about posting on these online dating sites,but feel a bit reserved in doing so because I am afraid I will meet someone I really like, perhaps even something to a "true-love" who knows.I am afraid I might get looked down, and frowned upon for being married once, and not totally "legally" finished with my divorce, & I am afraid my "baggage" atm would hurt someone, or myself..so I want to put it to the people..should I wait to be fully divorced,or go ahead and meet people. I see people posting as "seperated" at times..just wondering if it really works, or if is something I shouldnt be tinking about at this moment.what do you all think? btw I am 32years old living in michigan. thanks for the input.

11/27/2007 11:44:42 AMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

ewopper02
Hurlock, MD
age: 58

Separation or divorce is fine. The best answer to your question is when you can go out on a date and not talk about your ex everytime a random thought hits you. that takes time. When you can actually be free with the other person and have fun then you're ready to date. Believe me that will run them away quicker than anything. I know,
I was married twice and without meaning to I scared a lot of good dates away.

11/27/2007 11:50:46 AMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

sunnyday7
Longview, WA
age: 60 online now!

if you think you can reconcile with your spouse(go for a separation)..... i would not date AT ALL.

if its over....really over......do the big D... THEN date when its final....

an having coffee with a women is not dating....

11/27/2007 11:56:07 AMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

stormygrl
Longmont, CO
age: 42

I would wait until I was fully and totally divorced but that's JMO.

11/27/2007 12:32:20 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

bamabob
Crane Hill, AL
age: 55

Jelest... buddy.. I've been there! Believe me, BY FAR, the internet has been my sole source of comfort many times in the past...and I'm back again! I could write several pages on this dilemma, the process of getting back on track, all of it. First off, worry only about you and the kid. You don't have to suck up to the ex, but you definitely should go an extra inch or two to be civil and avoid confrontation to the extent as you can deal with it. As in financial matters also in emotional matters do not overextend yourself. It's up to you to discuss it with your ex, but it is good if she is okay with you dating at this point. The legal problems can get fuzzy. If you want to date and there is a possible issue then you have to maintain secrecy and it's best to put some distance between your date and your ex. Sometimes it is simply avoiding combat and you have to think as if you're in combat. However, I agree with the above posts, if you are willing to attempt to salvage the marriage, then by no means should you date.

All that being said, here's a few tips from my perspective and experience.
(1)BE HONEST or be one hell of a good liar! Some people on the internet frequent various sites and become somewhat of a community and good friends online...so, reputation can be important as in any community. Straight up is the only approach I can handle.
(2)OPTIONS... you can change things as your life and situation change. You can delete and post pictures at will. You can tweak your profile on the fly. Like any other "sport" if you will, you build skills at relationships and meeting people.
(3)HUMANS...not very trustworthy creatures. Many are naive and prone to opinions about other people based on their self-concept about themselves. MANY MANY people will have standards for you but not live up to the standards themselves and be blind to their own faults.
(4)FISHES...if you don't like them you can throw them back.
(5)REJECTION...yep, it's gonna happen, be willing to accept all kinds of bull shit. Some prefer to hear everything in a pleasant and highly moral fashion. Others can get down and dirty right off the bat. Many will reject you as too snooty, too this, that and the other, too much of a low life...I even had a girl accuse me of being a "stuffed shirt". hmmm... I'm all the above and then some depending on who I'm chatting with.
(6)OTHER PEOPLE FEELINGS/HURTING OTHER PEOPLE... people make choices. If you're up front and not misleading then it's their choice. If you feel uncomfortable then do not proceed. Just have to follow your heart and head on that one. You don't have to bang every woman you meet online. Be willing to start off as just friends or "pleased to make your acquaintance" relationship. No one is obligated to anyone here unless they make it that way.
(7)EXPECTATIONS...the fewer the better..enough said.
(8)INFORMATION... you can easily meet tens or hundreds of people online in a few weeks. It's very easy to forget details and become confused. There are places to make notes about people. I like to keep various reminders about conversations, names, locations, etc. so I can remember who they are and what we talked about.
(9)DON'T TRY TO BE A STUD... just don't do it... let the communications bring you together, if you impress women they will come to you. If you are impressed by them show them that you appreciate that special thing..it really works!
(10)LATE NIGHT... don't get too hooked on this crap and stay up all night...you will have problems at work the next day.
(11)EX's... yeah... if you feel the need and the person you're talking to seems open to it, you can discuss the past ... sometimes we just need someone to bounce the crap off of. And, yes, sometimes it's not good for a budding relationship. Don't expect to bat 1,000. In time, wounds heal but leave scars. You're in an ongoing process of life and it's changes. You'll be down and out trying to make sense out of things all along. Eventually, pieces of puzzle will fall into place or you'll build something new from the pieces that are left. No one will snap their fingers and a new bridge will jump up out of the ether.
(12)ENJOY!... it is not a job or task to get online. Just get out there! It is recreation! Have fun! Don't worry about having to be correct or making typographical errors... just enjoy and if someone pisses you off then heck, enjoy that too! If you don't like the page you're on or the forum you're in just go to another. Some days you'll want to type lengthy essays at every stop...other days you'll not be able to stay on one page but will flip thru the whole thing without completely reading a sentence. You're mind will be elsewhere. It's like channel surfing only there's a gazillion channels on the internet.....
happy fishing!!!! have a good trip!



[Edited 11/27/2007 12:34:59 PM]

11/27/2007 1:28:13 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

pickyguy
Ramona, CA
age: 50

so bama this must be your essay day? lol.....excellent advice though...very well put....
and my own opinion? the fact that you're here says you are ready to start looking...be upfront about everything.....take it easy.....enjoy......



[Edited 11/27/2007 1:28:34 PM]

11/27/2007 1:31:09 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

pickyguy
Ramona, CA
age: 50

oh,and before i forget to tell you....Get A Photo....for some reason they say this works better to attract the babes......lol

11/27/2007 8:54:03 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

redhead36
Seagoville, TX
age: 37

It depends on your morals and spiritual beliefs.. In my opinion, it is tacky to date while still being married.. I have been in the process of divorce for a year and a half.. And I still have not been on one date because it feels wrong.. Also, if you really like someone can't they wait.. Children also through this deal off too... If you have children, you should, out of respect for them wait until you are divorced..JMO

11/28/2007 8:14:40 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

jelest888
Warren, MI
age: 32

Hey thanks folks for your opinions.It's given me some idea's to hash around in my head, and I think I have to agree with you ladies who posted.I think I"ll wait..if nothing else It's only going to show some courtesy to someone I would actually have Interest in.oh and thanks for the essay too I got alot of info from that..gracias!!

The thing is from my marriage, its was 80% effort from me,and 20% effort from her, I think she lived with ghosts from her previous marriage,and brought them into our marriage.It never seemed like she wanted to put effort into making our relationship inseperable, which bothered me. I could never be truely open with her,life was like walking on eggshells for everyone around her.

In the end it was probably alot of stress from her EX-Husband always taking her to court for custody hearing, or starting crap with us that pushed her a little too far. of course, I put up with alot too..All I ever did was work and come home to spend time with my family,yet recieved accusations of lying/cheating,and various other things,of which I had substantial proof otherwise!!!

Let me end why my marriage failed with this,you know something is wrong with your marriage when your wife thinks the "Feds" are wiretapping your house,or maybe its "the EX" or maybe its your "Mother"..maybe its "you"?? after her calling the phone company 5 times to check the line(this past summer)thats only 1 of various scenario's that happened..umm I think you know your marriage is failing,thats not even the tip of the iceberg..most people would not stick around for behavior like this,I stuck it out for 6 years!and now in the back of my mind looking from the outside in I wonder if I stuck it out that long for my step daughter, and my son..or was it out of love which I did have,maybe Its stupidity lol,or a combination of all those things..

One thing I am sure of is the there will be no mending of this marriage,and that I will try to make the best of a bad situation,if nothing else so my son is never put in the middle of our disagreements.

Ive added this little bit more info so that you can understand to some degree that I'm not some tool just looking for some "tail" ..my feelings for her left when she walked, that was her pink slip in my head.shes a good person,but we just didnt work.


I guess this leads to another question in my mind..how long do you wait to date after a divorce if you feel in your mind you are ready? am i rushing this dating thing you think?

I just think it would be nice to get out and have a drink, or a coffee, or dinner once in a while with a new made friend..im fine with friends right now..is that wrong?I am not really looking for the sexual part of a relationship right now(Yes I really said that omg), more just kinda getting to know people that dont have the same parts I do..I literally am starting over in the truest sense of the word.

Again thanks for your replies!!

11/28/2007 8:16:27 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

jelest888
Warren, MI
age: 32

oh yeah btw bama you rock!!



[Edited 11/28/2007 8:16:42 PM]

11/28/2007 9:17:24 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

ixmyheart
Amarillo, TX
age: 25

I have no problem taking my time finding another one.It's the sex three to four times a day that I really miss I really would miss it if she had tried just alittle.

11/29/2007 5:11:12 AMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

lonerbychoice
Fort Thomas, KY
age: 42

Divorced is best in my opinion. Too much baggage at the time of seperation..your new interest doesn't need the drama. Doesn't hurt to let them know you are interested..

11/29/2007 5:14:57 AMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

robert6135
Oak Creek, WI
age: 56

I started about 14 months before the divorce. LOL

11/29/2007 6:52:10 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

fighter1984
Weatherford, TX
age: 24

Damn now reading these posts i feel bad for dating.My profile says im single but actually i have only been seperated from my husband for 6mnths(saving up money for divorce). I consider myself single b/cuz my husband was Physically and Emotionally Abusive.I lost everything when i left him.I have more than moved on and knew i deserved better.My answer for you is diffirent than everyone else's.I would say date and feel things out for yourself.I wouldnt tell your son your dating, only going out with a friend if he is to know.If you find someone serious to date wait till the divorce to tell your son.I think life is too short and you must live life to the fullest!!If you like country and u do go on your first date,I would suggest the song Trace Adkins"I Got My GameFace On".LOL This will help boost your confidenceGood Luck and let us know bck here at the forum how everything goes!

11/29/2007 9:01:30 PMWhen is it acceptable to date? seperation? or full divorce 

cherry6000
Anaheim, CA
age: 46

Divorced is best


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