| 12/16/2007 1:50:52 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
kittenz
New Philadelphia, OH
age: 51
| My companion of over 5 years and I will be splitting up after the holidays. He wanted to stay until then thinking it wouldn't be so hard on the my grandchildren (12,11,7,5,2 years old) afterwards.
My question is: Should he just leave without an explanation and they never see him again or should we/me tell them about his leaving? It is not like a divorce of parents and they will probably never see him again. They are all very fond of him, the two year old baby will most likely not remember, so that is no worry. He is also very fond of them.
My concern is for the kids. They will be hurt when he is gone, but I think they will be hurt more if we do not prepare them and let them say their good-byes. Sure, there will be tears, but I think they won't feel so betrayed and unloved if they're aware of the situation. I don't know if he is willing to do this, as I know it will hurt him also but he has chosen to leave and move on for his own (solid) reasons.
I need some advice please if telling them is the right, least hurtful way.
Thanks very much for any help. 
[Edited 12/16/2007 2:15:42 PM]
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| 12/16/2007 2:28:32 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
norah01
Anchorage, AK
age: 49
| well i'm sure it hurts yu for him to stay but I think for the childrens sake to wait until the new year. Strange situation.
most likly a group mtg and beginning with you explaining both your unhappiness then his speech, then your reassurance ..
Probably keep in contact for a while slowly move on.
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| 12/16/2007 2:52:11 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
bountyman
Carthage, MO
age: 47
| sounds like you all arent fighting vigorously so you should tell them and they should keep in contact with him -- JMO
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| 12/16/2007 2:56:00 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
professer2
Saint Petersburg, FL
age: 53
| You waited this long,
tell them after Xmas
sort of a New Year and times coming ahead
dont be a grinch,
just to be honest in this case.
JMO
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| 12/16/2007 3:41:16 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
kittenz
New Philadelphia, OH
age: 51
| There are no plans for him to leave before holidays. We both agree on that. We don't fight at all actually. I can't have anymore children and he has decided he wants children, so the answer is to go forward with his life plan.
I think a group meeting is a good idea, but don't plan on informing the kids of "why?", just that he has a different life plan or something like that. It will be hard for them to understand why he won't be in their lives after this. With his job, he was only home 1/2 of the month anyways and I doubt there will be time for a new companion and a relationship with former "grandchildren". I think dragging out the ending by having contact with them less and less may not work, or even make it worse since they will know he is not coming back in their lives. He will be living in another county also, and not much chance anyone will ever "run" into him.
Comments welcomed
[Edited 12/16/2007 3:42:36 PM]
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| 12/16/2007 4:09:44 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
skunkbreath
Saint James, MO
age: 89
| I think easing the news onto them to see how they react may be best...two meetings...
first one, just let them know that something has come up and "joe" might have to go away for a long time...see how that flys..answer questions...ask them what they feel and what would they want to say if he does go?
next meeting in day or so, let it out that a decision has been made and "joe" was going to leave for a long time, and everybody that needs to say something should say it now...
goodbye's, and anything else that comes up..gl
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| 12/16/2007 5:10:30 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
blueshortcake
Stanford, KY
age: 58
| Your children aren't that old and they are resilient.You will be surprised how fast they move on. Tell them he went to the North Pole to help Santa. Why drag it out and hanging in the air over the holidays? Or is it you have still have hopes????
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| 12/16/2007 5:17:15 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
kgearly1021
Valdosta, GA
age: 48
| Is there some reason all involved parties cannot be adult about this and let him contiunue some sort of relationship with them? Does it have to be all or nothing? Hey maybe a new thread should be can we still be friends with an ex.
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| 12/16/2007 6:26:14 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
bubbadt
Kennedy, NY
age: 66
| Skunkbreath, thats the best post youve made that i have read.
you are hiding a good guy?
Who wudda thunk
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| 12/17/2007 6:19:06 AM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
oletafive
Rattan, OK
age: 61 online now!
| Yes--to the children it is exactly like a divorce.
[Edited 12/17/2007 8:22:22 PM]
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| 12/21/2007 8:23:03 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
kittenz
New Philadelphia, OH
age: 51
| Thanks Skunk. In a way I have been doing that. Dropping little hints or what ifs.
As for someone's advise to get it over with before the holidays, I just think that is wrong on so many levels and not because I have hopes. I know this is right for him and wish him the best in his plans for fatherhood and a full life. Many of the same pleasures I have had being a mom. I think he'd really be missing out if he didn't have children, feeling the way he does, and he is a great person. The kids are my grandchildren, (he is 37, I'm 51). Yes, I know they are resilient, but I want to cause as little heartache for them as possible, since they are extremely fond of him. They live 2 blocks away and are here at least 3-4 times a week, every week. He has been very involved with them.
I wish he could still have a relationship with them, but as I said, I think his life will be to full afterwards. If he could make that happen and not have it affect the children adversly, then I would be all for their happiness to have him in thier lives still, and not for my sake. I'm making my own future, without him.
"It is better to have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all." I come away with many happy, fun, enlightening memories.
[Edited 12/21/2007 8:25:09 PM]
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| 12/23/2007 3:00:41 AM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
losai
Fredericton, NB
age: 22
| Well you said it's not like a divorce but for divorces I do know that it's normally not the divorce that is problematic for children but rather the way the parents go about it (fighting vigorously, insulting/making up things about the other parent, trying to get the child to take sides, etc.). Since none of these things would be going on they will be fine.
Will they miss him? Probably... but they will also move on with their lives in time. Most of the ideas in here are good ones. Quite frankly just be straight forward and upfront with them. You don't have to go into intricate details but don't suggest he will still sort of be around or whatever if he won't be... they'll figure that out sooner or later eventually anyways. It'll be okay. Just let them know you both have different paths to take.
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| 12/23/2007 4:20:37 AM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
crowdog3
Ponca City, OK
age: 34
| The thing that still has me lost here is, if he wants kidsof his own, yet he knew you couldn't have kids from day one, then why get with you too begin with?
I mean if you love a women enough, and want too be with her, and she can't have kids, then you except that, you don't decide later down the road.*oh I want kids, and since you can't have any, well i'm leaving*
Then why did he get with you in the first place, knowing all this?
Too me, if a woman can't have kids, then her kids become MY kids, wether by blood or not, it's just as simple as that.
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| 12/26/2007 9:26:01 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
kittenz
New Philadelphia, OH
age: 51
| To Crow:
Thanks for your input. Unfortunately, 5 years ago he did NOT want to have children. The funny thing is, being around my grandchildren (then 7,5,2 and newborn) plus the new baby who is now 2 years old, has him wanting children of his own. In his old age he won't have any family of his own to care about or for him. At least that's what he says. His mother and father will be gone and is has no other family to speak of. He doesn't want to be a lonely old man he says. Since he did not grow up in a loving family, he did not know what he was missing. Since being with me, it's become obvious to him what he will be missing out on.
As I said, I wish him well.
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| 12/26/2007 10:16:42 PM | Calling all pseudo-counselors!! Help!! | |
qirki
San Francisco, CA
age: 62
| Kittenz, we humans are strange beings. Even if it hurts we generally need closure in any situation. I think of the movie Saving Pvt. Ryan, where Pvt. Ryan will not leave his buddies until the thing is finished. I think of MIA families that buried empty coffins. It is difficult for us to have an open wound in our hearts. Regardless of how difficult or painful it may prove to be, we seek closure. While I appreciate your care for your grandkids, I am more concerned about you. How are you doing through this? Are you ok? Actually, your grand kids will take their cues from you. If you are ok through this, they will be ok.
God bless.
qirki
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