| 1/11/2008 11:11:21 PM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
1beatlesfanatic
Frederick, MD
age: 44
| I'm a 44 yr. old male. My wife has "issues" that she won't seek help for; I do. I came very close to filing for separation today. i stopped b/c I feared that I'd be backing out on a good rel. with my daughter, who is 12. If I am miserable, do I wait until she's off to college? Or do I shorten my lifespan. My wife lashes out. I'm not a saint. Help. 
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| 1/12/2008 12:03:59 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
steak_king
Whitmore Lake, MI
age: 51
| I tried to hold off until the kids were all grown, but they know if you're a good parent or not whether you're divorced or not. As long as they would still be in a good environment is what I would worry about
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| 1/12/2008 12:17:10 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
carolinabrat
Summerville, SC
age: 57
| Holding out could be hurting your child more than you think. I thought that I was doing the right thing to make sure that I had all the kids raised. We didn't fight and I thought I put on a really good front, but when my stepdaughter met me for lunch one day and asked me when I was going to leave her dad?! Did I scar them by staying? I hope that in that way I was lucky. Even after we divorced, I stayed close to my ex until the day that he died. On that day, I lost my bestfriend. We weren't good marriage material, but the best of friends. Had we stayed together any longer, we might have lost that too. You have to realize that as unhappy as you are, the unhappiness between you and your spouse might be destroying your daughter. The quality time you have with your daughter will be better when you are not in a battlefield. Just let her know always that because you and Mom fell out of love, your love for her is never ending. 
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| 1/12/2008 1:12:48 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
bocky1019
Newark, DE
age: 50
| thats true brat...when me and my wife split and I started seeing someone I remember the woman asking..is it alright to kiss you in front of your daughter?I said absolutly..I would rather her see me in a loving environment then the hated one we had at home.My parents fought until my dads death and I never knew why they stayed together.I hated them both at one time because of that.And i think thier fighting kept me and my brother and sisters from having a better life.I say dont wait..get out now..you can always go back if things get better.JMO...Bocky
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| 1/12/2008 3:19:40 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
mudholelover
Indianapolis, IN
age: 45
| Rest easy my good man you are not in the boat alone!!! Read my profile and you will see. Ten years now, and for my 9 year old daughter. We are very close and I have been talking to her about things lately, I hate the time allowed by the %$&**# courts after divorce thing and figure putting up with the misery is and was worth the time I have had with my daughter. I am just about there though, not cheating, well I have been thinking on that one for quite some time, but more on getting on with life.
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| 1/12/2008 9:28:43 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
narnie47
Elyria, OH
age: 48
| Awesome topic and wonderful responses. From my own experience, children know, they sense tension and unhappiness regardless of how hard we try to cover it up. Bottom line, if you're happy, your child will be happy too. My daughter's father left before she was 2 years old - it was amazing how much she articulated at such a very young age. She and her Dad have an absolutely wonderful relationship - she's 20 now and a sophomore in college, and an awesome young lady.
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| 1/12/2008 9:35:38 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
lynn456
Martinsburg, WV
age: 39
| this is my opinion
staying together till children grow up is living a lie.
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| 1/12/2008 9:42:40 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
slim9053
Mason, OH
age: 47
| I was in your shoes myself . I was putting up my ex because I didn`t want to mess up my kids . She ended up leaving . It`s been 3 years and my kids are doing great . But you have do do what you think is best
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| 1/12/2008 9:46:09 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
dreambuilder07
Gaithersburg, MD
age: 48
| I think your right to question the cost of divorce for your children. As rough as things are now, the divorce process is going to make it worse. It will definatley impact your daughter. It's terribly difficult to be happy in a place where your every action is degraded and devalued, but your happiness is your responsibility, just as it is for your spouse. I would encourage counseling, even if she won't go, sometimes you going can get her started. Perhaps family therapy, with kids involved too. I wish I could have made mine work out. Try everything, then start over and try again. See if taking a vacation, seperate or together can help, don't worry about the money now -- it's mountains cheaper than the other direction. Be yourself though, don't compromise into something you can't live with. While I've come from a similar place, I'm hardly qualified -- find someone you can trust who knows something. Read Gray's "Mars and Venus"-- when I did I thought it was written about me and my marriage. Giving up is too easy, give it your best shot.
[Edited 1/12/2008 9:47:24 AM]
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| 1/12/2008 9:51:30 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
garnetlady
Cincinnati, OH
age: 48
| Great replies. I tried to stay till my child was grown but I was so unhappy I wanted to end my own life. Then where would my child have been. My motto is always do what is best for the child/ren. You may think it best to stay so they can have both parents but in most cases it is not. My child had a hard time dealing with the divorce, mom covered alot of how dad was through the years which hurt because it then felt like a loss to the child. Now there is realization that mom was the one there all along and the one who truly loved and cared. They realize there is unhappiness. Through the many talks my child and I have had since I realize I was hurting by staying and although the breakup was initially hard, it was definiately the best. Married we couldn't get along to save our life because he was a cheat, divorced we are best friends. That too is good for our child. I believe it was Bocky talking about a kiss with a g/f...my child is almost grown and had never seen dad and I kiss...thought it was the funniest thing when mom kissed a b/f. It is good for the kids to see a loving relationship even though that relationship too might die...our children learn from how we cope with things. I realize it is harder on the parent who doesn't live with the child, I couldn't imagine that pain..almost had to live it. Always do whats best for your daughter, she should not become the issue or the pawn between you and her mother. Like my ex lost his job, couldn't pay c/s or have insurance. I didn't let it be an issue, that would make my child feel bad or like a burden. Even though it hurt me financially, I sucked it up, added to my insurance and tightend the belt to make ends meet. We do what we have to do for our kids. Sure we make mistakes but our hearts are in the right place and it does all work out. I wish you the best of luck.
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| 1/12/2008 10:33:47 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
winesong
Bend, OR
age: 88
| AND THE COST OF STAYING TOGETHER IS?
weigh the miserable life, vs. the good life you might enjoy and share with your daughter.
It is a matter of when, not IF you are going out the door...and not going back.
Wine
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| 1/12/2008 11:02:22 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
chopperbabe
Overland Park, KS
age: 47
| Children are not blind on what is going on even though parents try to hide things from their children. By staying in a relationship that is not healthy, children will more than likely bring that into their relationships when they get older. They learn from what they see.
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| 1/13/2008 5:28:19 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
sinfulcharming
Fort Wayne, IN
age: 41
| When you ask people what kept them from leaving sooner, the number one reason they give me is, “because of the kids.” I have no doubt that every parent who has said this believes wholeheartedly that this was a noble and selfless reason to stay. Staying and sacrificing their lives seems like the only thing to do.
Quite often, those who feel committed to keeping things together to this degree are children of divorce themselves. They swear that they will not put their children through what they had to endure. What they don’t understand is that they can get divorced differently than their parents did and spare their children much of what they experienced. How a couple divorces does more to determine how well children fare than the mere fact that they divorced.
While I would agree that being a good parent entails giving up a big part of yourself every day, I also know that you cannot give what you don’t have. If you are not happy, your children will undoubtedly feel that and suffer on some level as well, even if you don’t think your unhappiness shows. Children (and all of us, for that matter) are negatively impacted by being exposed to a loveless, tense, angry environment, regardless of the circumstances in which it has been created. They are impacted more deeply because they have not yet built up the level of defenses that we have. It is as if they have half the thickness of skin that we adults do. The good news is that they also tend to be more resilient than we adults allowing them to recover faster from unhealthy situations.
When you stay in an unfulfilling, unhappy or even abusive marriage, children come to believe that relationships are experiences that entail suffering, pain and even a slow death. You are not happy, your spouse is not happy and, in turn, your kids are not happy. The world doesn’t need more married couples for the sake of having married couples - the world needs more happy people!
Peple fall in love but people fall out of love as well.
~Sin
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| 1/13/2008 5:36:51 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
v2_1
McHenry, IL
age: 45
| Dreambuilder and Sinfulcharming have both said it best in their separate ways.
Give it everything you have. When you can say that, and it's not enough, let it go. Children are harmed just as much by good intentions as bad ones.
Good luck!
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| 1/13/2008 6:09:53 AM | As much as my wife drives me to separate, it would be neg. for daughte | |
dkitten
Cincinnati, OH
age: 32
| As parents our most important job is to make sure our children are safe happy, secure,ect. If we are not in a position where we are/ have those things for ourselves how to we pass them on to our children?? our children are much more sensitive to conflict then we realize. we may not think an unhappy relationship affects our children but you don't have to be openly disfunctional for the kids to pick up somethings not right. kids take what they learn at home and take it out to the world that's all they know.. what idea of love/ relationships do we want our kids to carry out when they get to that point in their life?? you have the right/ deserve to be happy loved loving ect for yourself but you HAVE to make sure you have those things if you're a parent because you can't make anyone else happy if you are not happy with yourself & your situation you're kids have the right to know you as a happy loving father if you can't carry that off within your relationship then staying is not what's best for the children. beleive me after i seperated my relationship with my whole family has gotten SO much better especialy the one with my sons even my ex & i get along better now. I asked why i had such a strained relationship with everyone before my seperation & i got the same answer form everyone in my life..... they were sick of seeing me unhappy, stressed, nervous, depressed, being taken advantage of ect so they didn't want to be around me like that it hurt them. if as an adult with a much better sense of reasoning and having a better grasp on emotions you're in conflict over your relationship how conflicted are the kids??? your relationship with your daughter is likely to get better not worse what if she wants away from the situation as badly as you do ????? just my opion everyone's situation is differnt but been there done that and that's how it worked out for me
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