Forums: Relationships: Is a man the king of his castle???
1/12/2008 11:53:16 AMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

nightowl64
Fallon, NV
age: 43

Lady’s I’m asking for your thoughts on the subject of a man who owns his own house.
Here is some background on my situation; my wife and I purchased this home in 1999 and she passed away in 2000. She only lived here for one year and the way I see it, this has been MY home for the past 7+ years!

Every time I meet a new woman, it doesn’t take long before she say’s that she feels “uncomfortable” in my house. They always say it’s because this was my wife’s home. Why is that such a big deal?? Guy’s don’t say that was your ex-husbands house or “his” car or whatever? My house is decorated in a style that I find attractive and comfortable. Why do women feel threatened by it? What should we do? Sell everything we own and start each new relationship from scratch? Woman are reluctant to give up things from their own past, why do they think it’s fair to ask the man to?

I would truly appreciate a woman’s perspective on this. Preferably from those in my age group (40’ish).

1/12/2008 12:05:17 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

sunlady520
Venice, FL
age: 56

Hello nightowl
Unless your home has pictures of your wife all over, or is decorated in an extremely feminine style, I am surprised anyone has even commented on it. Do you make a point to tell women that you and your wife bought it together? I lost my husband to cancer 2 years ago, and I have changed somethings to "make" it my home, and thats how I feel it is. I know I haven't giving any suggestions as to why this is happening. After all this time I don't see why its an issue with the women you bring there. Maybe go to their house instead.

1/12/2008 12:05:27 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

seawench1
Maricopa, AZ
age: 55

It has a lot to do with your friends, your family, and your neighbors. They always seem to remind the new lady of the house that there WAS another lady in the house how she picked it out, she would of done this to it, the list just goes on, knowing it was the bedroom you shared your wife. It's almost like living with a ghost. True it is your house. But women like to nest in their own home.

1/12/2008 12:10:55 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

osipsc
Chicago, IL
age: 54

Night, I'm out of your group a bit. The only thing I can think of is that maybe her presence is still very visible or that a part of her still resides in the house. Some women are more sensitive to that than others. Until you've established a relationship that warranted considering merging residences or find a new one I would not give up my home and I would not expect that of anyone.

1/12/2008 12:11:16 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

sensual_latin
Pleasanton, CA
age: 41

Very good question and one that deserves one's personal's entire sincerity in answering it

Let's pretend you and I are seeing each other as going out on the weekends, buddy partners, lunch partners, movie partners etc (non physical partners), then I have no saying about your house whatsoever.. Period!
BUT if you and I are into a serious and romantic relationship with the possibilities of getting married, then YES, as much as I respect your feelings about your house and your 1 yr past memories in "that" house, I prefer to build new memories with you in a different house, different bed etc.

This is just me.



[Edited 1/12/2008 12:12:08 PM]

1/12/2008 12:12:46 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

bucktail
Poynette, WI
age: 46

for every great king there is also a queen



[Edited 1/12/2008 2:42:46 PM]

1/12/2008 12:15:43 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

soulcrazy
San Clemente, CA
age: 39

i agree with latin . a woman wants it to feel like she is the queen of the castle as well . why keep old memories ?, when you can start having new ones with your new love.


but yet again a comfident woman wouldnt mind it at all .

1/12/2008 12:34:26 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

nightowl64
Fallon, NV
age: 43

(Sunlady520) “Maybe go to their house instead.” That’s exactly what I’m talking about?? Did she cuddle with her ex-husband on that couch at "her" house??

No I don’t have pictures of my wife hanging on the wall and I don’t say this was “our” house. (meaning my departed Wife & I).

(Seawench1) My family is on the East Coast, my friends don’t bring up the subject & most of my neighbors moved in after my wife had passed away. And again… “knowing it was the bedroom you shared your wife.” Well what about HER bed??? Who was in it before??

So again I ask… Is it fair to ask the man to leave everything behind??

(Sensual_Latin) So if I read your post correctly, If you and I became romantic and proposed marriage, we would both sell everything we own and move into a new house with all new belongings right?

This is giving me some good insight. Thanks ladies, I would like to hear some more opinions.

1/12/2008 1:09:06 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

tecman
Manassas, VA
age: 48

Nightowl,

could you be giving off signals that you're still in love with or miss your ex?
I know that divorced women are highly sensitive to their enviromnet and the men they allow in their lifes.

My opinion is, it's "my" house as long as I live in it alone. When someone moves in with me it becomes "our" house and I have to act accordingly.

1/12/2008 1:22:45 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

winesong
Bend, OR
age: 88

HUMM. THOUGHT PROVOKING..calls for some soul searching and financial consideration..

If you have a very unique setting, and structure...you might not like to *sell everything* and start out with a new location, structure, mortgage,(new interest rate) and landscaping job.

Boy, I think I would find myself in the position as you...
this is a home.... I designed, built and have lived in for 10 years.
I really cannot imagine selling the unique location that I waited for, (for 10 years),
and all my furniture and moving into something else. Just so it was all brand new.

Some of us might have to be open to some change, but in my case, not likely to be a change of home. I would be delighted to get a new bed...that is not too much to ask.

Should we also have to replace our cars to make the new person feel that NO ONE has ever driven the car or taken a trip in it?

Okay...
keep on driving

Wine

1/12/2008 1:32:48 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

seawench1
Maricopa, AZ
age: 55

but owl there is a difference between a death and an ex... but I do understand where you are coming from..But you did ask for our oppinions....I just seen a couple of friends experience the same thing a man and a woman....

1/12/2008 1:38:41 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

sugarmagnolia1
Burns Flat, OK
age: 41

You shouldn't have to give up your home unless you want to. I wouldn't give mine up.

1/12/2008 1:41:27 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

v2_1
McHenry, IL
age: 45

Night- I've been exactly where you are at. My husband passed away 5 years ago and I still live in the home that we purchased together. I think the biggest difference here (and I'm surprised that more women didn't pick up on it) is that women like to nest. We want to make a house our home. Perhaps the questions you are hearing have more to do with finding out how you feel about changes and making room for the new woman in your life as opposed to wanting you to start over from scratch. In any relationship, there has to be room for compromise.

On the other hand, it could be that you're dealing with someone who has never lost anyone close to them. I've dealt with that too. They don't have a frame of reference for dealing with death and are very threatened by what they don't understand.

I've changed things in my home to make it more comfortable for people who didn't know my husband but he is still very much a presence here, just as he is in my life. Anyone threatened or insecure about a dead spouse isn't someone I need in my life. On the flip side of that, I'd sell and move in a heartbeat if that's what it took to make a relationship work with the right man. Hang in there.... she's out there somewhere!

1/12/2008 2:21:09 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

nightowl64
Fallon, NV
age: 43

Okay; I just took these pictures of the kitchen, dining room and living room. (No comments on my terrible housekeeping!!) Not only is this my home, I also run a business from this location, so the table and counter doubles as an office.



I understand about the woman’s “nesting” instincts but a man wants to feel comfortable as well. I feel comfortable with the way I have my house decorated and it fit my personality. I’m not against changing things if we agree on the changes.

It has been my experience that a woman will make all kinds of changes without even consulting the man in her life. My first wife and I moved into an apartment with each other and each brought things into the relationship… A year later when we divorced the only thing left that I brought in was a TV set and a cigarette lighter.

1/12/2008 2:39:06 PMIs a man the king of his castle??? 

chopperbabe
Overland Park, KS
age: 47

I would feel uncomfortable if the X's pics or memorial things were around. I would think that the deep feelings are still there for her and I certainly wouldn't want to be the rebound woman in a relationship. Otherwise, it wouldn't bother me.

Now king of his castle ... I would say when he sits on his throne


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