| 1/21/2008 5:10:42 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
big_joel
Ash Flat, AR
age: 55
| yes diva
i have saw this from men
but i too have saw this from women
so if i were you i would just say please dont call me anymore and have a no contact order
put on him
i have done this to 2 women in my past
they just wouldnt leave me alone
|
| 1/21/2008 6:42:56 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
irparis39
New York, NY
age: 49
| I'm with one of the ladies here that people can change...we change all the time, everyday and what we were when we were younger does not define us now. Does that mean second chances? The line is a bit fuzzy there since he has been physical with you. The suggestion to go to family counseling is valid if you want to see if this will work.
The truth of the matter is, we are all given second chances every morning to start life anew and make today better than yesterday. People do change, or rather grow up, the question is, has this man grown up enough to be a responsible, productive father and a partner for you. I would have stayed with the trainer rather than dealing with this drama, but...
I don't think you're over him, its understandable, you both have alot of history together and a child. Anytime there's a child one wants to make that child's life as normal as possible with both parents parenting on site, but you both have to put in the work. You see, although he may have gone a bit balistic at times, you probably reacted the same in kind. So suggesting counseling and letting him know this isn't an option can help you both to figure out where you stand and where you need to stand to have an exceptional relationship. Give it 3/4 months at least and then make a decision.
Don't make any decisions now, there's no need for it right now... Wait until you're both can see things more clearly in your mind after counseling and then see how your situation appears then.
Paris
[Edited 1/21/2008 8:14:11 AM]
|
| 1/21/2008 6:58:05 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
craftygirl002
Tacoma, WA
age: 40
| Thanks, Paris. You clarified the thoughts behind my suggestion of counseling very well. The only thing I would add is that counseling will help both parties learn how to behave in a relationship. Even if this relationship doesn't work out, she'll be better prepared to be a good partner in her next relationship & she'll learn what characteristics to look for in a partner (and which ones to avoid).
|
| 1/21/2008 7:10:35 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
thebestman
Alpharetta, GA
age: 34 online now!
| You can't change the spots off of a leopard. After all he's done to you, why are you even contemplating this??????
Hopefully you won't overlook over a good man you may meet in the future.
|
| 1/21/2008 8:08:31 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
karie1970
Springfield, IL
age: 38
| Tallest, you won't find your future if you are constantly reliving the past!! The past is just that, the past! Leave it there and move on! Once a man puts his hands on you, you have to walk away even if he says he is sorry, because if you don't, the words "I'm sorry babe" will be like a bad rerun playing over and over!!!
It is hard to get over someone at first, but with each day you will see that it gets easier and easier! Until one day you ask yourself why you even stayed that long!! Love shouldn't be painful and if we allow it to be then we will forever be miserable in the name of love!!!!
|
| 1/21/2008 8:27:57 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
ernie6937
Radcliff, KY
age: 38
| what if a woman hits a guy does she deserve another chance will she change
|
| 1/21/2008 8:39:16 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
bassman1959
Santa Rosa, CA
age: 49
| She said there was physical altercations. Why do you people always assume he was hitting her? How do you know she didn't start hitting him and he just had to defend himself? If the police saw this he would have gone to jail. She didn't say he was in jail. Regardless, people shouldn't be hitting each other. And you guys have to stop assuming that the man is always the abusive one.
Yes, people can change. But you have to take a good long look at yourself. You have to change as well. If you hit him first you should expect to get hit back. It doesn't make it right, but you should never hit someone and NOT expect to get hit back.
|
| 1/21/2008 8:49:44 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
ernie6937
Radcliff, KY
age: 38
| well i let my x beat the hell out of me cause i dont believe that there should be physical or any abuse for that matter but my says she has changed and stopped lying but i keep catching her i lies all the time
|
| 1/21/2008 9:05:43 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
karie1970
Springfield, IL
age: 38
| Ernie, to answer your question, no!!! It is not just the men that abuse, i feel that once an abuser (male or female) always gonna be an abuser, but that is just my opinion!! I am not willing to stick around and find out if they are gonna change!! You never know that may be the last thing you see before you die!!! When a person is so angry that they resort to bashing you, then they have lost control then the probability of someone getting killed or mamed for life exists!!! And that can happen to male or female!!!!
Again i say love isn't supposed to hurt or kill, and i am not willing to die in the name of love at the hands of the one that says they love me!!! (nobody should whether they are men of women)
|
| 1/21/2008 9:08:11 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
klassykitten
Toccoa, GA
age: 51
| Yes people can change...but not always when the change is needed.
Tell him you are glad he's changed and hopefully that will be beneficial in the next relationship and it will succeed.
But for you the changes are a day late and a dollar short. Too much water under the bridge for you as a couple. But not as parents. Regardless, of what path either of you take you are bonded by a child forever. Exception would be loss or forfeiture of parental rights.
If he is rational and you can make him understand he needs to take the focus off of changing for you and what might or could have been... and make those changes be for his son. He has the prime and very reason to be the best he can be...he is a father...the number one man in his son's life if he maintains a relationship with him. He will be the example his son will learn from...he should make it the right one. What footsteps does he want his son to follow in as a mini-me???
JMHO
|
| 1/21/2008 9:12:22 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
passionplay1975
Arlington, TX
age: 33
| I have been there. You cannot change anyone!!! they are who they are. Personally, and I hateto say this, but you messed up breaking off the engagement to your trainer. He sounded like a great guy willing to step up to the plate.
Cut your loses, you got the best part of your ex and that is that little boy. Move on!!!
|
| 1/21/2008 9:53:54 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
tallestdiva
Flint, MI
age: 33
| Thank you all for the responses and advice, it is very nice to know that I am not alone. I had gotten to a point where I was comfortable with us being friends for our son, then all of a sudden he starts with his feelings for me. I think I need to explain about the physical aspect, which I played a role in also. Not that I hit him first, but I would say some cold and gut punching things. I know for some of the things I said I would have wanted to hit me too. The reason I stayed as long as I did is because I did not feel I was in an abusive relationship, because I wasn't like the ladies on lifetime. I don't know if any one read my profile but I am 6'2", so our fights was not one sided. He often got as good as he gave, I just never started the fight I would end them. So that's when I left, we had our last disagreement and he was in the hospital for 4 days, out of work for 3 weeks and had to have surgery behind it. I knew then that even though I was not getting black eyes and being beaten down, it was unhealthy. So I left, because he could have pressed charges for the last incident.
|
| 1/21/2008 10:03:34 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
57rickie
Sioux Falls, SD
age: 57
| Depends on what they change.....I think you both would benefit from Anger Management Counseling...But no man or woman should ever hit.....Words are just that, words, how you say them means alot. My ex was cheating on me, and he had nerve enough to call me a Fing C - - - . Not that I didn't want to slap his face for it, I did believe me....but it would have made things so much worse if I had. Sorry to Hun, but I say Cut your losses, Keep your son safe....Do Not Let this man back into your heart. Good Luck to you.
|
| 1/21/2008 10:34:21 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
tallestdiva
Flint, MI
age: 33
| The reason I wrote this post is because I was comtemplating, if he could truly change. I hope he does and I wish him much success in doing that. I know our past has changed me. Someone mentioned above, that he waited too late to finally change and I do believe that is very much so. I don't want to paint a picture like everything was always bad, it wasn't. But getting back into dating again has been an experience. To make things even more complicated, I now have to consider my son. I have tried to consider what is best for the both of us, unfortunately his fathers states all or nothing. So he going to walk out on our son, if we are not together. I am ok with that, but will my son understand or hate me for that later. I just hope to find someone strong enough to walk with me through the rest of my journey.
|
| 1/21/2008 10:38:45 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
57rickie
Sioux Falls, SD
age: 57
| Hun, if his attitude is all or nothing, and hes willing to walk OUT on his child...You are so much better off without him. Don't worry, some day you will have the best of both worlds, your beautifull son, and a Loving Man to walk with you both.
|