| 1/13/2008 11:13:25 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
tallestdiva
Flint, MI
age: 33
| Last night I get a call at 1am, I am sound asleep. When I finally get to the phone, I had 4 missed calls and the phone was ringing again. It was my X, he was all worked up and saying he has changed and he wants our family back and so on and so on.
So now let me give the history of our relationship, we were together for 4 years. Things had been turbulent the last year or so. There were disagreements and there were physical altercations. There was this one particular that was just the breaking point for me. He had come to my job and waited for me to come out and when I did, things got physical, just by chance the police were riding by and seen what was happening. I said no more, I stopped answering his calls, he started calling from other numbers. I would answer the phone and hear his voice and would hang up. I went out of town for two weeks. A good friend of mine was moving south, so I went with her to help. I then took a job and started training, with no intentions of coming home. I ended up dating my trainer, who by the end of my training, proposed. After that, I head home, a couple days later I am sick beyond belief.
The doctor finds tumors, which with a second opinion, turns out to be a baby boy.
It's not my fiance child, but my X. I plot to not tell my X and my fiance agrees to step in and assume total responsibility for my son. I don't know what I was thinking, but I decided to be honest. I break off our engagement, tell my X, and he denies my child.
To make matters worse, we work together and he is now dating another coworker, whom I was once friends with. And she too becomes pregnant.
To make a long story short, his girlfriend has an abortion, he asks for DNA test for our son, tries to take custody, breaks up with girlfriend, gets his car repossessed, tells everyone at work that I am this mean vicious b*tch that won't let him see his son, and tries to guilt trip me into being back with him. He says I pushed him away and that he has always loved me. I say bullshit and tell him that he is responsible for his own actions and choices. I think he only wants me because everything else has failed.
He says he has changed, and he is active in our son's life now. He has stopped hanging in the streets and is home every night, he even speaks about going back to church and finding a better way of life. All that sounds good, but I don't trust him and my feelings for him are different now. I love because he is me son's father, but I have not been in love with him for quite some time. My X says that I am holding a grudge. I just think he has done too much to just forgive and forget, and I think I would be the biggest fool to go back. But my question is, can this change be possible or better yet permanent? Or it just a front to get what he wants?
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| 1/20/2008 9:47:21 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
explorer3
Warminster, PA
age: 33
| Unfortanetly theres only one way to find out.You have to wait and see.People can change but they dont always do.Im happy to here you are keeping the baby.Maybe you can post a picture of it when you have it.I hope things work out ok.
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| 1/20/2008 9:58:14 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
craftygirl002
Tacoma, WA
age: 40
| People can definitely change, but it takes time. One way to find out if he's serious about changing and to clarify your feelings would be to ask him to go to family counseling with you. If he's serious, he'll agree to go. If not, you won't have to wait long to find out. If you go to counseling and discover that he really is ready to change and you really want to work things out, you'll have the support you need to learn how to have a healthier relationship together. It could also be that you could go to counseling and find that you really don't want to take the chance of getting hurt again. At least then, you'll know for sure and won't have any 'what if's' to make you crazy. 
Good luck whatever you decide.
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| 1/20/2008 10:08:17 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
defiantbadgirl
McPherson, KS
age: 35
| You said there were physical altercations. That means this guy is a woman beater. No real man ever hits a woman. You should have stayed with your fiance and let him claim your child as his. If your son sees his father hit women, he may grow up to be a woman beater. Is there a chance you can go back to the man that wanted to marry you and have him adopt your child? If your ex ever hit you when you were pregnant, have a conversation with him about it while a friend he doesn't know is there video tapes it. If you can prove he ever hit you when you were pregnant, you may be able to have his parental rights terminated as that is child endangerment.
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| 1/20/2008 10:16:22 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
defiantbadgirl
McPherson, KS
age: 35
| Why are so many people advising her to give this guy a chance? He's a woman beater. Woman beaters don't deserve second chances. If a male hits a female, as far as I'm concerned, he has relinquished his manhood.
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| 1/20/2008 10:24:00 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
craftygirl002
Tacoma, WA
age: 40
| I'm not advising her to give the guy a chance, just acknowledging that people can change. My take on the situation is that if she's asking this question, and broke off an engagement, she could either have some unresolved questions or want to get back together with this guy. In either case, I hope that she will do so in the safety of a professional setting. That way she won't be putting herself at risk and will have professional support if she decides not to get back together with him.
[Edited 1/20/2008 10:24:39 PM]
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| 1/20/2008 10:29:09 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
moth2aflame
Bronx, NY
age: 30
| I've have been through the same thing and took him back a couple of years backs within 6 months he was back to the same thing and it got worse because we were both had other lovers in our lives he always throw it in my face long story short i left him again and feel free please don't go back to him love him from a distance even if u have a child when u are not happy your child wouldn't be happy love yourself to leave him alone nothing good is going to come out of it do people yes but stick around to see it let him change for someone else good luck
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| 1/20/2008 10:35:02 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
fireflytwinklin
Phoenix, AZ
age: 53
| If he's calling you now like he is...isnt that a bit reminiscent of the last year of your marriage? Really think this out before going back to him...best wishes
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| 1/20/2008 10:37:13 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
dutchboy4u
Huntington Beach, CA
age: 45
| With all the problems he's given you, I wouldn't even think of taking him back.
Turn the page and move on. Take him to court and get child support.
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| 1/20/2008 11:37:56 PM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
rnwolf
Elkhart, IN
age: 37
| Hell no!!!!
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| 1/21/2008 12:26:29 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
drummrboy
Belmont, MA
age: 43
| it may be time to face a sad reality. it is time 4 u to move forward in life. u may have to look at him in the rear view mirror, as it were. sorry if these words seem hurtful. they're not intended to. i can some, if not all of us can agree that, we have experienced something similar to what you r going through. and had to understand that for your own personal growth. release whatever emotional grip u may have towards him. further down the road, you'll start to relaize, life dos get better, adn that u deserve better. take care, and best of luck. 
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| 1/21/2008 2:22:27 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
waterboy26
Inglewood, CA
age: 27
| 99 % of guys do not change, theyll probably change for a few weeks and go back to the same thing trust me im a guy.
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| 1/21/2008 2:49:50 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
timeshifterv22
Dublin
Ireland
age: 34
| To be honest TALLESTDIVA i did not read all of your OP. In the first paragraph you used the word "physical" implying that he used force upon you. That is simply enough for me. Stay well away from this man!!! He may be nice to you for a while but if he is using force on you in public, imagine what way he will be treating you like behind closed doors in 10-15 years time from now. Please God, see sense Tallestdiva, find some person who deserves you! I have read now all.You state you cant trust him. This is no situation to have a child growing up in. Believe in your child. Stay well away from this man. He has violent tendancies within.
(genuine).
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| 1/21/2008 3:40:05 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
dixiethelovebug
Auburn, GA
age: 43
| People can and do change. Sometimes the hurt they have caused cannot change how we feel about them. The true way to find out if he has really changed is to tell him how you feel about what he has done to you. Let him know that the hurt that you have felt has change the way you feel about him. You can be friends for the sake of the child but that is all it will be for now.
If he can accept that and move on then he has changed but calling you in the middle of the night and showing no respect is not changed to me...
JMO
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| 1/21/2008 4:03:32 AM | I just can't get over it! Can he change? | |
safiya48
Queensland
Australia
age: 48
| When you say physical do you mean violent? If so you would be crazy to back. Its not about you anymore. You have a child to protect. And let me tell you it is no fun watching or hearing your mother being beaten up by anyone let alone their own father. Your son will be dammaged mentally for life. He may grow up thinking its normal to beat women and become just like him. Or he may eventually beat your son too. Men who beat women do NOT suddelnly change into a caring supportive partner. Its your responsibility as a mother to protect your child from this monster. Run like hell
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