Forums: Relationships: why do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him
2/3/2008 9:24:42 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

noel24
Jacksonville, NC
age: 24

i have been trying and trying with the same man for two years and all that he has ever did was hit and direspect me i have taken care of his children made sure he was straight for work cleaned his house washed and ironed his clothes and all he gave me in return was a black eye and a whole lot of disrespect what . we broke up for 7 months and i started dateing someone else just as he was doing i became pregnant and when he saw me again all he could do was tell me that he would never be with me again becouse of that but only after luring me from the father whom wont speak to me becouse of him.. someone please tell me that aint right.

2/3/2008 9:36:43 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

katiescarlett72
Justin, TX
age: 35

i have been trying and trying with the same man for two years and all that he has ever did was hit and direspect me i have taken care of his children made sure he was straight for work cleaned his house washed and ironed his clothes and all he gave me in return was a black eye and a whole lot of disrespect what . we broke up for 7 months and i started dateing someone else just as he was doing i became pregnant and when he saw me again all he could do was tell me that he would never be with me again becouse of that but only after luring me from the father whom wont speak to me becouse of him.. someone please tell me that aint right.

There's no question that the guy is a worthless POS, but you also have to look at your own responsibility in all this; otherwise you'll end up back in the same situation. The good news is that if you're not a helpless victim, then you CAN make changes that will prevent you from falling into the same crap in the future.

You decided to stay with him for two years despite his bad treatment of you. Did you learn from that? Will you stay with a man the next time when he hits you or is disrespectful of you?

You started dating someone else who, I am assuming, treated you better. You say that the ex "lured" you from the father, but come on, honey. You're not a fish. You're a big girl, you made the decision to waffle from one guy to the other. I can't blame the father for being offended and wanting nothing to do with this. Maybe he'll calm down and come around, maybe he won't. But will we be shoving a decent man aside in order to get a smile and a pat on the head from an asshole again?

And if the father is a jerk too, then please, please spend some time - I mean a year or two - being single. Focus on you and your child and try to figure out what it is in your head that thinks you deserve to be treated this way, and is attracted to abusers.

It is NOT bad luck, and it is NOT that all men are jerks. Some women (me included) were programmed in childhood to respond to abusers, and abusers can spot us like radar. What you have to figure out to save yourself from a lifetime of unhappiness is what need or hole they're filling in you, and how to spot them and avoid them before you give into that need or hole again. You CAN do it. I've done it for five years now after twelve long years with one abuser after another. Not all of them were physically abusive, but there are many ways to abuse, and you don't need to subject yourself or your child to that.



[Edited 2/3/2008 9:39:43 PM]

2/3/2008 9:37:23 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

towtrk1
Groton, CT
age: 36

There's several things that aren't right here...

1. Any man that hits a woman is a coward. Plain and simple. end of that discussion.

2. He lured you away from a man who was fathering your child? Jealousy, a common trait in abusers. They want the power over you, to make you feel worthless and not capable of another man's effection and love.

3. Why did you allow this person to lure you away from another man, knowing his abusive past? That in itself was wrong of YOU.

He hit. He will hit again, unless he has received ENORMOUS amounts of therapy. That of which you could probably benefit from as well. And 7 months is not enough time to cure his problem.
You need to find a place where you can once again harbor good feelings about yourself, earn your self respect back, and learn to resist the empty promises of someone who doesn't know how to treat a lady.

2/3/2008 9:39:42 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

bakerybabe
Cincinnati, OH
age: 44

Noel, you are to much of a better person than the boy friend you have been seeing. Throw him out to the garbage and leave him there. You are a much better person and do not deserve to be treated that way regardless of being pregnant he is the last hateful person you need to be around or would want to have around you and your baby.



[Edited 2/3/2008 9:40:54 PM]

2/3/2008 9:44:18 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

chopperbabe
Overland Park, KS
age: 47

It's a control thing. I don't know why a person has to be physically abusive but I've been in your shoes. I just know that I deserve better and any type of abuse I will not tolerate. By allowing a person to do that to me means that I don't respect myself.



[Edited 2/3/2008 9:45:10 PM]

2/3/2008 9:50:37 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

sweetsxywoman
Vacaville, CA
age: 44

It is hard to leave an abuser, they fill your head with promises that it will be better this time. But as soon as it looks like things will be better he will turn around and do the same thing again. Its called the circle of violence.

We all want to believe that the person really means it and put faith that this person has really changed. But no matter how much you try it will never be good enough because he isn't going to acknowledge that he has a problem. Everything will always be your fault. The longer you stay in the relationship the more you lose your identity.

If you are still with him you need to get out and spend some time getting your self esteem back and learning to love yourself again, once you do this you, you give yourself the opportunity to realize your own value and what you will or will not put up with.

I hope you find the strength to do what is best for you and your baby...

2/3/2008 10:03:55 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

mindyb
Park Rapids, MN
age: 43

Abusers lack control over something in their life or that haunts them from their life, it is for this reason they sruggle for control. Finding the issue always needs tobe left to the pro's....decoding and relearning for abusers is a very difficult journey, ohhh how they love to pull the wool over the therapist eyes, the way they work their lip service is smooth....they always know just the right answers to get thru the therapy only to strike out again.....why, because to be less than perfect or ok would be weak and after all they are in control.I learned a long time ago to be just a little smarter than the average bear, eyes open, mouth shut.

As far as answering the actual question in the title....men who appreciate less are the ones who are self asorbed and dont understand what love actual is.....it's the guys who will still pull over to the side of the road on their way home after work and will slip off their shoes just to walk barefoot in the grass....less is more mentality, Too many men are so wrapped up in being the provider, climbing the ladder or GOD forbid the almighty freaking dollar....so lost, too busy and preoccupied to truly live life....ya only get one shot...and greed, insecurity and jealousy is not the way to go...ok I will get off my soapbox now

2/5/2008 12:44:42 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

noel24
Jacksonville, NC
age: 24

thank you and no i wont i have learned my lesson

2/5/2008 4:11:29 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

thebestman
Alpharetta, GA
age: 34 online now!

First off, the GUY you were dating (NOT MEN) didn't appreciate you and he is an obvious loser. He is a no good guy and was very wrong with his actions towards you and took you for granted.

Now, you would have to look within yourself also. You stayed in this situation despite his abuse - HELLO. You can't put the blame on him 100% why? Because you decided to stay and take care of his needs and children despite his abuse. Had you left, you would have not received all that abuse and bad treatment. You should have left day 1. You allowed yourself to stay in a bad situation which is never a good thing.

Now I'm not taking up for him. He's an obvious A$$. But rule number one, never stay in a situation that's bad. There is no excuse for it.

2/5/2008 5:47:40 PMwhy do men appreciate a woman less when she is always there for him 

smokeslow
Keansburg, NJ
age: 53

WAKE UP,HEY,WAKE UP,HE WAS """"""""USING YOU""""""""" GET WITH IT,ITS OVER,I HOPE FOR YOU,NO STALKING,IF NOT TAKE TIME TO THANK GOD!!!!!!!!"""""HE'S A USER"""""",THEE END,DON'T BE &*()%$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



[Edited 2/5/2008 5:48:41 PM]