| 2/15/2008 11:14:37 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
henderson13
Canonsburg, PA
age: 44
| Eighteen year marriage. Two children. She had a year long relationship that ended about a month ago. She says we grew apart and that she no longer has feelings for me. I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with not having my children in my life on a daily basis as well as putting them thru a divorce. Advice? Other ways to cope?
[Edited 2/15/2008 11:21:16 AM]
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| 2/16/2008 2:44:38 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
oneadvntursgrl
Boca Raton, FL
age: 47
| The kids could be happier with you divorced and shared visitation, living close. Your time with them could be happier and focused, and not distracted with negativity to your ex-to be...and your whole outlook and life could be happier and less lonely, than living in a loveless marriage and sharing living space with someone causing you unhappiness.
Unless you can get past the cheating, with the help of counseling, and rekindle what you have, but it has to be a two way street. If you both are not sincere about making changes, it wouldn't be worth the effort of one.
Honestly, the kids are resilient, and the more honest happiness and love they feel, the more stable they will be as adults.
Good luck!
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| 2/16/2008 3:32:52 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
rosen2million
Portland, OR
age: 56
| I believe a marriage should never be kepted together for the kids. they get hurt from all that is around them dont you think. If there is anger or hate or whatever they feel all of this the kids get hurt all the way around. so saaaaaaaaaaaaad.  
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| 2/16/2008 4:01:43 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
irparis39
New York, NY
age: 48
| How is it that Dr Phil puts it:
Kids would rather be from a broken home than live in a broken home.
Although my parents did it and my brother and I didn't think anything of it and it hasn't influenced us negatively as most people think. We actually appreciated that our parents could think so highly of us instead of their need to fulfill impulsive wims because they didn't want us to grow up with a distorted view that divorce is always an option when we don't feel like working at a relationship. They never cheated on each other, but they had a healthy respect for each other and vows they took.
In your case, you wife has no problem working at a relationship, she's done it for a year with someone else, she just chose the coward's way out in how she deals with adversity by compromising her integrity. And that is really what children see and emulate, they learn to runaway from issues instead of staying in for the fight. It is for this reason that divorce is the option...you don't want your kids to see your relationship with your spouse as the norm. If it can't stand on high principles of morals and values, your children stand the chance of repeating their parents mistake.
You can always fight for custody of the kids, but if you both cannot live in the same house respectful of each other, without having no other relationships to fulfil other needs, your children cannot fill all your needs and eventually they will grow up and leave, so there really isn't a need to stay married to someone you have no respect for, for your kids. I'm sorry that you're going through this pain, if marriage counseloring is an option, take it. If she doesn't want to go, go for yourself. It will clear your head and help you to make clearer choices.
Paris
[Edited 2/16/2008 4:03:36 AM]
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| 2/16/2008 4:48:02 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
dreambuilder07
Gaithersburg, MD
age: 48
| I believe there is a much more important question. Do you still love her? I would strongly encourage counseling and forgiveness, and try to recreate the best times of your marriage. If you can find that love again, everyone wins, if you cannot, then you will be able to live afterwards knowing you did all in your power to make things work, and your kids will one day appreciate your effort. The strongest love you can give to your kids is to show them how much you love your wife -- their mother. Divorce sucks for everyone, it's very combative, and the strife tears the kids apart. Mend yourself -- make efforts to forgive and love your wife no matter what the outcome, life will be better, with your kids, with your wife, and with yourself.
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| 2/16/2008 5:28:58 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
barrydalmi
Baltimore, MD
age: 45
| NO...NO...NO.
That is a nice sentiment, but one of our responsibilites (among hundreds) is to model a happy and balanced life. You cannot do that for them living in a parallel world with someone who isn't fulfilling you. They will tell you later that they "knew" and wished that the two of you hadn't "wasted" your lives. If you can't make it work ( and you should try, counseling, workshops etc.) but once you both are absolutely sure that you can't make it work. Split, share custody , stay closeby, be civil and be happy. They will be better off. And so will you!
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| 2/16/2008 5:36:57 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
truegrace
Hagerstown, MD
age: 52
| Never stay together for the kids did it for ten years and it only caused more agony for therm and us. In some cases counseling may help in others it may not. Mostly for the two of you to decide for yourselves. Seperation is a good alterative to a divorce for a while with counseling may help find roots and give something to work back on. Don't put the kids through the agony of the arguments and fights part for their good.
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| 2/16/2008 5:54:20 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
cutiepiems
Saucier, MS
age: 49
| "staying together for the Kid" is a never a reason the kids will get over it. I would never stay and be miserable because of "the Kids" I think that children will do better when there are not so many problems in a home. So pack your bags and get a new life there are many people you will meet and possilbly love
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| 2/16/2008 5:56:33 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
cutiepiems
Saucier, MS
age: 49
| another question I notice you are 44 I am assuming your kids are at least teenagers? my question is if they are teenager i am sure they don't want to hang out with you on a regular basis unless they are very unusual. I think you are scared of the unkown. but that said it does get better eventually.
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| 2/16/2008 5:58:44 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
elaine47
Petersburg, IN
age: 47
| I use to believe this was a good thing but now i will tell you Absolutely
NO!!! Them kids in the long run are better of seeing mommy and daddy
happy and apart than not happy together. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!
bEEN THERE DONE THAT!
[Edited 2/16/2008 6:00:14 AM]
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| 2/16/2008 6:04:16 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
garnetlady
Cincinnati, OH
age: 48
| I agree with the above folks. I tried staying together always believed a home with a mother and father was best. If there is dissatisfaction in a relationship it shows...through your words and actions, no matter how hard you try to keep it hid. Children do know, especially teens. I realize now it was better to divorce. My child is happier, I'm happier...makes life better in general. Good luck!
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| 2/16/2008 6:07:18 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
ret1058
Westerville, OH
age: 49
| Dreambuilder....well said.
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| 2/16/2008 6:29:17 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
pichick712
Brookhaven, PA
age: 50
| NO! NO! AND NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Why should the children see UNHAPPY and HOSTILE parents. When they grow up and understand what their parents "sacrificed" for them, they will feel very guilty.
The kids deserve to see HAPPY parents and if that means they are divorced, then that is how it should be. I get along well with my ex and we actually do many things together for the sake of our son and that is much preferable to the alternative if we had stayed together because one of us would have murdered the other.
NEVER STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS!!!! You are not helping them in any way, shape or form.
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| 2/16/2008 6:31:44 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
corazon08
Des Moines, IA
age: 35
|  I agree with Dreambuilder, if either of you still love each other, You can always love the other person, but "being in love" is quite different than loving the other person. Believe me I know. If you still love eachother make it work, everyone wins.
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| 2/16/2008 8:13:01 AM | Should a marriage be kept together for the kids? | |
gonesailingbabe
Des Moines, IA
age: 45
| I was "involved" in love (for nearly 10 years) - with a man in a similar situation. We both loved his children....for him and for me - it was definitely worth it for him to remain married.
He needed to be able to hug his kids, wish them good night and be the positive parenting figure in their life.
They shared the home, but nothing else.
I was completely confident that what they did - they did for their children.
and I will always believe and support that it was the right thing to do for their three children.
I have concerns about what the teaches the children about marriages, and patterning relationships for them as they grow...but these kids are very inteligent and one day I think they will see what both parents did as a good thing for them in their YOUTH and now a healthy way to live as they grow more mature and leave home...
That being said - explore your individual state's laws however - before entering sucha an arrangement because it may have long term detrimental impacts on you - and it can send the wonrg messages to the judge who would ultimately end your marriage....
Draw an agreement NOW that stipulates how things will end, and be settled and what is agreed upon between you - so you can have the full benefits of being father to your children and being a man in every aspect of the word.
Good luck - a good woman who truly cares about you will accept and understand this situation....so have some faith.
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