| 2/15/2008 4:20:11 PM | Golf and More Golf | | 
ok4u2day
Porterville, CA
age: 53
| How is your putter? Do you have a long drive? Tell me what your handicap is now? 
| | 2/27/2008 6:38:01 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| *Bedroom Golf*
Bedroom Golf
* Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play. Normally one club and two (2) balls.
* Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the holes.
* Owner of the course must approve the equipment before play begins.
* For most effective play, the club must have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play begins.
* Course owners reserve the right to restrict the shaft length to avoid any damage to the course.
* Unlike outdoor golf, the goal is to get the club into the hole, while keeping the balls out.
* The object of the game is to take as many strokes as deemed necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course in the future.
* It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention being given to the well formed bunkers.
* Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they may have played or currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.
* Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
* Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
* Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.
* Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the request of the course owner.
* It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
* The course owner will be the sole judge as to who is the best player.
* Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner, and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
| | 2/27/2008 6:41:30 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| My balls have been in the bag for a long time
and I don't remember the last time I scored a hole in one
so my putter hasn't been used for quite a while
| | 2/27/2008 6:45:21 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| ''I just got a new set of golf clubs for my girlfriend!''
''Great trade!''
| | 2/27/2008 6:46:03 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired.
"Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it
was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
| | 2/27/2008 6:47:15 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| Four married guys go golfing.While playing the 4th hole, the following conversation took place:
1st Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
2nd Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife I will build a new deck for the pool."
3rd Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife I will remodel the kitchen for her.
They continued to play the hole when they realized that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they asked him, "You haven't said anything about what you had todo to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, I shut off the alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, 'golf course or intercourse?'
And she said, "Wear your sweater"
| | 2/27/2008 6:49:37 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| It's Called Golf
* In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
* The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf.
* Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players!
* Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
* The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
* There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly ... or start cheating.
* An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice ... once before swinging, and once again, after swinging.
* Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh.
* Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
* Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with frequent disappointments.
* There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
* Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken.
| | 2/27/2008 6:51:49 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
| | 2/27/2008 6:57:23 AM | Golf and More Golf | | 
knittinkitten
Lady Lake, FL
age: 72
| Golly, don't know whether I'm better off playing golf or NOT playing golf......you guys are FUN-NEY...Where do you GET this stuff?
KK
| | 2/27/2008 6:57:42 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| A couple of elderly gents were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.
"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said.
"The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the groin....
and that was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
| | 2/27/2008 6:58:03 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it.
"What happened?" asked the doctor.
"I got stung between the first and second hole," replied the lady golfer.
The doctor replied, "You must have an awfully wide stance!"
| | 2/27/2008 6:59:39 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| The Old Golfer
Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.
Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.
The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.
Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
| | 2/27/2008 7:00:42 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| There are three ways to improve your golf game: Take lessons, practice constantly...or start cheating!
Forget about all those "How To.." books and videos. The only sure way to save strokes is with an eraser!
The difference between a whiff and a practice swing is that nobody curses after a practice swing.
Golf is not a matter of life and death. It's a lot more important than that.
Golf is a a game where the ball lies poorly, and the players well.
Nothing dissects a man in public quite like golf.
The number one thing about trouble is...don't get into more.
Golf is like any other sports competition. There's not a lot of point to it unless someone suffers. ...even, if it's you.
| | 2/27/2008 7:01:08 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
footloose_bored
Tienen
Belgium
age: 59
| Golf Injury
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away an laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied: "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
| | 2/27/2008 7:04:29 AM | Golf and More Golf | |
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| Golfaholic
Your a GOLFaholic if...
* You think that some day you'll shoot your age, when a more realistic goal would be to shoot your weight!
* You know there's more to life than golf, but your'e not interested in finding out what it is!
* You quit the game forever, twice a month!
* You buy every new golf gizmo that comes out!
* You think you're skillful and everybody else is lucky!
* You miss the ball, but still think it was a great swing!
* The new clubs you just bough cost more than your mortgage and car payment combined!
* You can't break a 100 but still think you could give Tiger a few tips!
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