| 3/28/2008 1:58:12 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
boricualady
Williamson, GA
age: 41
| Ok so here I go again. Was dating a guy with whom I had crazy chemistry with who lived locally. Seemed perfect. We got along great and we even spent last saturday night and all day Easter Sunday laying around watching TV and getting lots of.... ummmm.... excersise. LOL He was making comments like, "I gotta get you a toothbrush to leave here" and, "I better buy a coffeemaker" (cuz he doesn't drink coffee and I do), etc. just the week before.
Tuesday morning we talked by IM for the first time since Sunday and all seemed well at first. However he started saying things like, "You know if you're seeing someone else you can tell me, it's ok." (we agreed on no commitments for starters but that if either of us started dating someone else we would disclose that to each other)
I honestly wasn't and told him several times even though he did press the issue.
He warned me ahead of time he has major trust issues with women and I realize the timing sucked because I started dating him 2 weeks after his divorce finalized and even then he had only separated from his wife 7 months prior. He had told me some of the story, she had cheated on him and basically treated him terribly. He once said that the relationship just about destroyed him.
I told him by IM that morning that I would call him that night. He seemed happy with that idea, he apologized for pressing the issue of me seeing someone else, etc. and all seemed fine. In fact one of the last things he said to me was, "You are an amazing woman."
When I called him he was stuttering and rushing to get me off the phone saying he would have to call me back. I ended up falling asleep and he called at almost midnight apologizing for waking me up. I said it was ok and was glad he called. I asked if he was home yet and he stuttered and stammered saying that no, "something happened at work". He sounded exceedingly anxious. I told him to have a safe trip home and I would talk to him later.
He is a very quiet person who freely admits he has a hard time expressing himself in e-mails, etc. and even told me once he wanted me to show him how to be more sociable. He himself has a difficult time carrying on a conversation if the other person isn't a talker. Luckily this wasn't an issue with us because I can carry on a conversation with a corpse if it came down to it. LOL
So the next morning he goes uninvisible on IM (which means he wants to talk to me) but I decided to let him make the first move (trying not to look like I'm chasing him I guess) and instead of saying hi I simply went about my business and then 20 minutes later switched my status to "Out with the dogs" and got up and went outside to tend to the work that needs to be done everyday in the kennels.
I return to find this IM from him, "Thanks for the good times. Hope we can still be friends." He had already signed off (or went invisible again) I was completely shocked. Where did this come from??? Then my room mate Dottie yells from the other room if a certain phone number was his (she was checking her voicemail for the house phone) I said, yes it is. She said he had called but since she didn't recognize the number she deleted the voice mail without listening to it first. Arrrrgghh!!
I then begin trying to call his house and his cell phone. For the first time he is ignorning my calls. I leave several messages asking him to call me and asking what is wrong. Nothing. Finally after several attempts over the course of a couple of hours I text messaged him on his cell phone. I immediately got a text back saying, "I think it is best if we remain just friends".
So I try calling him, again it goes to voice mail. I text again asking why he won't answer my calls. No response. I text 15 minutes later asking what I did wrong and got this line, "It's not you, it's me. I just need some time to myself. I'm not feeling good about myself right now."
I texted him back saying that when he finally got over his ex that I hope to hear from him and that I was sorry he was in a bad place right now.
Then yesterday he comes on IM through his cell phone. I said, "Hey, how are you?" No response. 2 minutes later he goes back offline on IM.
So what gives guys. When you say "It's not you, its me." Do you really mean it? What makes a guy suddenly withdraw when things seem to be going so well??? I'm hurt, confused, and was a little angry he couldn't even answer my calls but I'm not one to hold grudges. I won't attempt to contact him any more and if he does contact me I will chat with him but as much as I want to see him again I know it would be a bad idea to do so if he suddenly suggests it in a week or so as he withdrew from me last week too, but that only lasted a day or so saying he needed some space etc.
Is he just going through the normal emotional turmoil following a horrible experience in love? He did tell me at one point that he didn't think he would ever be normal again after what she did to him. I know that was just the fresh hurt he is feeling talking and in a couple of years I'm sure he'll be a totally different person. But damn we had such great chemistry together and were so attracted to each other. I hate this. Trying not to be sad. Trying not to think it's just me that is destined to never find anyone. Trying to be understanding and not take it too personally, but it's hard not to take it personal.
I really, really, liked him. And he honestly seemed to really, really, like me. And we were able to talk about anything after he became comfortable with me. Like we had known each other for years. He said nothing but positive things about me. He loved the attention I paid to him, said he wasn't used to be treated so well. He told me I was the first woman in a long time who never tried to tear him down verbally. I would get up in the morning and clean his kitchen and straighten up the family room and let him sleep in. Then crawl back in bed and wake him up with soft kisses all over his neck and cheek which would bring this huge smile to his face everytime.
I thought we were a great fit and never pressured him to make any kind of commitment or even eluded to one knowing how skittish he still was. Sorry this e-mail is so long. I think a lot of this was just theraputic for me to write out. I didn't meet him on this site but rather another dating site.
Anyways I'm frustrated. Why do I always seem to meet the good guys mere months after some b*tch has ripped his heart through his chest??  Sometimes I feel like just throwing my hands in the air and giving up all together but I'm not a quitter so I won't. I'll just dust myself off and try again.
So if you've managed to read this far..... any advice? Tips on what might be going on in his head from other men who are shy like he is and\or have been recently hurt badly?
He also told me he had built a wall around himself and went a long time with no friends at all, spending his nights alone at home just watching TV and many times seeking solace in a bottle of whiskey. I know he is not healthy for me to continue to try and see even if he flip flops again soon (which I strongly suspect he will) but resisting the temptation will be difficult because I have such a strong attraction to him.
I'm so confused right now...... 
 
~Darlene~
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| 3/28/2008 2:15:53 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
daddyduck
Splendora, TX
age: 55
| sometimes it is the truth, I know me and I know for me to be in a long term relationship I have to want it so badly I have to care about someome with all my heart. I think maybe it's happened twice in my life I cared very much for someone and was trying to work it out but if it's not there you cant make it be. They may be wonderful people but you leave because in your heart you know somewhere down the line, youd' leave.It happens and sometimes the guy really means it, your a wonderful person, I'm just not what you need.
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| 3/28/2008 2:19:28 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
onelife2live
Janesville, WI
age: 44
| Yeah, It's not you that wants someone else it Me........No matter if a guy or girl says it..it is them. I don't want to play with you anymore is what they are saying...just like when we were kids...and it can break a heart..
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| 3/28/2008 2:26:40 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
sunnyboy59
Queensland
Australia
age: 70
| No Offence Intended..BUT....
Your Fella Sounds Like a Woman I Don't Want to Meet..
Too Many Issues at the beginning,,Doesn't Augur too well for the Future..
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| 3/28/2008 2:59:39 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
boricualady
Williamson, GA
age: 41
| Thanks for your insights guys. I just found it extremely rude and disrespectful after all the good times we had together (and the friendship bond I felt we had) that he would just ignore my calls and only respond to me by phone text message. I felt I deserved better than being dumped by IM and text message but apparently he didn't feel that way. It was very hurtful indeed.
~Darlene~
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| 3/28/2008 3:24:26 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
claypot
Lewiston, MI
age: 48
| Personal question. How soon after you started seeing him were the two of you......ah, excersising together?
Very quickly? maybe, specially if he has trust issues, he's thinking maybe there are others, and the fact that you ARE on a dating site.
2 and 2 together could make up for an  on both parts. Just a thought.
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| 3/28/2008 3:36:00 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
boricualady
Williamson, GA
age: 41
| Good point Clay. Soon. Too soon. My fault entirely and I kicked myself for allowing my physical urgest to over ride my better sense. I pretty much knew I probably sabotaged that relationship before it ever could start and told him that long ago. I'm sure that had a lot to do with it. After all, he had to figure, if I hopped in the sack with him right away then I must do that all the time. It's a reasonable assumption.
I'm a very sexual person and it had been a while so....... I gave in to my own needs and that wrecked everything I'm sure. Live and learn, huh? Although I did set this profile to private and stopped checking in while we were dating and deleted my profile on the site we both met on entirely. However we both have myspace pages and even though mine was only 3 weeks old it quickly filled with males on my friends list. Even though I had never met any of them and told all of them I was seeing someone and was happy and not interested in seeing anyone else for now, I'm sure to him it looked like I was on the hunt.
But on the other hand if there is no trust in the beginning then what is the point of continuing right? Even though he said it was fine if I was dating someone else (we agreed not to be exclusive but to disclose to each other if we started dating somebody else) I think in reality it may not have been so "fine" and he really believed on some level that I was in fact seeing other people and lying to him about it.
It's a shame. I truly am a brutally honest person and won't sneak around with anybody for any reason. I simply have too much pride for that. But I marked myself with him by allowing intimacy too soon in the relationship.
~Darlene~
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| 3/28/2008 3:45:11 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
claypot
Lewiston, MI
age: 48
| Now wait a mintue, no need to start bootin yourself in the butt. It takes two to tango, does it not?
Point is, your both adults if thats what you needed at the time, then go for it, but be up front with YOURSELF. You said yourself this could blow it, then the next thought might be, how bad do I want the sex, oh excuse me, the excersise. (just teasin) OR how bad to I want to start a relationship?
Either way you had a little bit of both, lucky you.Lesson learned and now it's time to move forward. If he chooses to sit back, wave  , then let him. If you truely have been upfront and done nothing wrong, then there is nothing to worry about. Tuck it away, and I can guess the next time this happens, that little mental note will be up front and center giving you the same choose once again. JMO
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| 3/28/2008 3:52:24 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
boricualady
Williamson, GA
age: 41
| Thanks again Clay and that is really good advice. I have definately thought to myself over the past couple of days that I will remember my decision and the outcome next time I am faced with a similar situation. The question then will be... "Is this a guy I could see myself getting emotionally involved with and would I want to? Or, "We would never work out but God is he hot so let's have some fun and leave it at that."
~Darlene~
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| 3/28/2008 4:03:57 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
claypot
Lewiston, MI
age: 48
| 
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| 3/28/2008 4:15:09 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
flowergirl62
South Australia
Australia
age: 46
| Darlene,
I really think you are the most wonderful person - god if I was a guy I'd date you for sure.
But I think there are other issues going on here and mostly to do with him. I have been separated from my ex husband for just over a year now and even though there was not cheating involved on either side there were other things that brought the marriage to an end. However I still have had moments where I honestly have been tempted by the idea of going back. Why? Because I have children who are still at that age where two parents are very crucial and I have had to pull myself up several times for the good old reality check.
I have spoken to some other women that I've met who are in a similar situation and apparently this is quite normal to think like that and then come back to the real world.
I often wonder whether I have enough to give the right person but I have had some wonderful support from alot of people on here male and female and I can tell you now I will be alright. But there are those days where I honestly get so lonely and everything seems to hit you at once that you really don't feel worthy.
Perhaps he is feeling low about himself especially as she cheated on him. It makes people feel like there must be something wrong with them and when you are married to someone that has promised to love, honour and cherish you in sickness and in health, no matter what it can feel like someone has plunged a giant knife into your heart and twisted it in as deep as it can go.
I believe that you deserve someone worthy of you and if that is going to be him then be patient and let him come to you. I know it's hard because I've had a couple of close calls and thought my heart would never heal but in the end it makes you stronger.
I wish you all the best for the future whatever it may bring 
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| 3/28/2008 4:28:34 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
boricualady
Williamson, GA
age: 41
| Flowergirl, wow that was a really sweet thing for you to say. Thank you! And thank you for your insight. I too have been on the other end of someone cheating (my ex fiancee) and yes, it does feel like a huge knife has been plunged into your heart and yes I went through periods of time when I wanted so badly to be with him again it felt like someone had just scooped out my insides. Then I would try to remember all the crap he put me through and how disrespectful it was for him to be cheating on me, etc.
I do realize that myself and this man I was recently dating are in two different places in life right now. For me it has been quite sometime since my last REAL heartbreak (which occurred in December 2006). Since then I have dated a little and met some nice guys and two (this last one being one of them) I actually liked so much and felt such an insane amount of chemistry with that it really hurt when they cut it off.
Right now I realize he is still going through the healing process and I also realize that since his divorce became final such a short time ago that I'm sure it just brought up a whole bunch of feelings again that he now has to deal with. The finality of it all is probably hitting him like a ton of bricks. I'm sure he is struggling with a lot emotionally and I know only he can get himself through this although I did e-mail him yesterday and told him that even if he didn't want to continue to pursue a physical relationship with me anymore that I would always be here for him if he needed to talk, etc. and I would never stop caring. And I won't.
He's really a sweet guy. Just got dealt a bad hand. Been there, been through that myself. I feel for him. 
~Darlene~
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| 3/28/2008 4:30:46 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
cece123
Warren, MI
age: 48
| Hey thats my line... and yes I do mean it...
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| 3/28/2008 6:07:02 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
newinil
Carlock, IL
age: 36
| I have heard this exact same line from women...So its not a gender thing.
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| 3/28/2008 6:48:50 AM | "It's not you, it's me". Do guys really mean that??? | |
flowergirl62
South Australia
Australia
age: 46
| I think you did the right thing and when he's ready perhaps he will come back to you.
|