| 4/12/2008 8:56:31 AM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
steelkittey
Hermiston, OR
age: 34
| I was with my first love for 16 years. I found out he cheated on me, was willing to work through our problems, but he decided he wasn't "In Love" with me anymore. He says he loves me, but no emotional, or physical attraction. I am having a real hard time figuring out how to move on. We share 2 wonderful children 12 & 6. We see each other almost every day. Does the pain ever go away?
Any tips or suggestions?
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| 4/12/2008 9:03:59 AM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
slady52
Lake Oswego, OR
age: 55
| kitty, please read your messages
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| 4/12/2008 9:04:34 AM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
gonesailingbabe
Des Moines, IA
age: 45
| I suggest if you have children you don't become involved in dating.
Heal yourself inside first,
help your children adjust to life "post-trauma" and then begin thinking about you and what you need.
Children in this situation come first.
The additional thing I think that will ease your pain is to realize that "no longer being IN love" with somebody doesn't make you less desireable, and isn't generated toward hurting you intentionally.
I was not "in LOVE" with my ex-husband. Didn't mean he wasn't a great guy, didn't mean he was unattractive - it only meant that we didn't care for each other in the way married people would hope to...
What else do you do then but divorce or remain and be miserable or cheat?
Good luck and heal yourself before trying to date.
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| 4/12/2008 9:16:35 AM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
kateylady
North Liberty, IA
age: 27
| It never goes away, but it does fade. My advice is to get to know yourself and find your personal identity not tied to him. Who are you? What do you like to do? What makes you happy? What can you do to be good to yourself?
These things are important to remind yourself that you are a worthy human being that deserves to know herself and a good man.
You have beautiful children that are a top priority, but take time to make yourself a priority. I know its hard to be alone and you may feel like you need a man to complete your life, but giving yourself a chance to heal is more important than what a man can give you.
I am going through a breakup myself, although it is not 16 yrs worth, it is still 3 years of my life that I gave. Its difficult to keep your head up and work on yourself, but it can be done. Don't give up hope, there are people out here that understand and like to help. Don't keep it bottled up inside, that'll only make things worse!
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| 4/12/2008 9:38:33 AM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
rolando98
Laredo, TX
age: 58
| i READ this from IRMA THREAD and RELATIONS
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk.
I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you,
loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you
because they are not joined to you.
And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of good-bye.It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it
takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.
Let them go!!If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains ......
LET IT GO!!!
If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth.....LET IT GO!!!
If someone has angered you......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge......LET IT GO!!!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction......LET IT GO!!!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents.......... LET IT GO!!!
If you! u have a bad attitude.......
LET IT GO!!!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better......LET IT GO!!!
If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level in Him......LET IT GO!!!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......LET IT GO!!!
If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves......LET IT GO!!!
If you're feeling depressed and stressed .........
LET IT GO!!!
If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself and God is saying "take
your hands off of it," then you need to......
LET IT GO!!!
Let the past be the past. Forget the former things.
GOD is doing a new thing for 2008 !!!
LET IT GO!!!
Get Right or Get Left .. think about it, and then .
LET IT GO!!!
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| 4/12/2008 2:36:11 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
debi01
Pasco, WA
age: 50
| Thanks for posting "Let It Go", Rolando! You beat me to it!
It is a great read
[Edited 4/12/2008 2:37:22 PM]
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| 4/12/2008 2:38:15 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
ilovcole
Port Richey, FL
age: 27
| I think only time will heal your wounds. It doesnt help seeing him everyday so maybe you should look into avoiding him for awhile til the sting of it all goes away. In time you will realize its for the best. Once a cheater always a cheater in my book.
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| 4/12/2008 2:50:31 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
bry11ca
Buellton, CA
age: 43
| SteelKitty . . .
Listen to GoneSailing . . . she knows about love and loss and gain and the very preciousness of life . . .
Give yourself time . . . heal . . . ignore the BoneHeads .
. (their pictures look like this)
and in God's time you will find Grace and Peace . . .
I can't give you Grace but I can give you this . . .
and when you do heal in a few years . . be humble and non-judgemental and know that though we may look like "stinkers" there really are a few true gentlemen out there. . .
love you this much, my Pidgeon . . .
Be Cool
Bry 
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| 4/12/2008 2:59:42 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
mommaloma
Searcy, AR
age: 34
| I'm in almost the same situation. My soon to be X just left one night while we were at church. We had been married for almost 16 years. The pain is not going away but the time spent focusing on that pain is less and less everyday.
What has been helping me is focusing on my kids. They are what is most important.
I don't have to see him every day, but I do have to talk to him several times a week. When I am in a low mood and I know I can't handle talking, we text.
Now is also the time to get to know yourself. For the past 16 years he has been part of your identity. To lose that part all of a sudden is hard. What did you like to do in high school? What did you like to do before you had kids? Go back to some of your old hobbies and see if you still like them. I saw that on Oprah one time and it inspired me to go to college, and guess what! I will be graduating in August!
Just a couple more suggestions for getting through:
Stay busy. Especially doing something you love, whether it's reading, gardening, writing, cooking, or your work (don't quit working)
Hang out with friends. They can bring you up when your feeling down.
Travel. If you can't afford long trips, check out local and state parks or day trips to another city.
The thing that helped me keep my sanity that first week was: I cleaned out all his crap and got it out of the house, then I redecorated my bedroom.
Best wishes.
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| 4/12/2008 3:16:28 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
kittyriffic
Georgetown, FL
age: 52
| I was married for 11 years when I found out he was seeing someone else. It took me many years to get over the hurt and pain.. The suggestions and words of comfort here would have helped me recover quicker had I known about this site. I hope you can "let it go", and move on to your new journey and find your true happiness.
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| 4/12/2008 3:30:33 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
emeraldjewel
South Park, PA
age: 53
| Agrees with Kitty, Let it Go. Or you will be shackled to your pain for the rest of your life. LET IT GO
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| 4/12/2008 4:37:40 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
njman
Jersey City, NJ
age: 49
| no body has to reason why, its hard to, very hard, just move on, there is a call up guy, called johny walker, try him  just kidding 
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| 4/12/2008 4:43:20 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
johnnyd66
Kennesaw, GA
age: 41
| pain never goes away but you realize one morning ...hey,I can not live my life like this anymore.I was there and now I appreciate the "little things" so much better.My kids being healthy,I have a good job,my health is ok,the flowers in the garden,and so on.
Hang in there!
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| 4/12/2008 5:39:28 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
cmjanew
Sayre, PA
age: 48
| Sixteen years! Damn, barely broke in! That's like trading a car at 50,000 miles.
[Edited 4/12/2008 5:40:01 PM]
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| 4/12/2008 6:52:46 PM | How do you start over after 16 years? | |
uprooted
Fairport, NY
age: 43
| left foot-right foot, eyes on god. that was the best advice given to me to get through the last nine months of pain and heartbreak after 17yrs. with the same person. starting over is as frightening as it is exciting. stay positive and have faith that no matter what happens there is something bigger than all of us.
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