| 4/19/2008 9:00:13 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Noredneck...the only one I left was the abuser. I actually had to run from him for my life. I still hide from him. The others, I waited until the relationship dissipated to the point that they left me. I always held onto all hope that I could love them enough to make the marriage work and make them happy enough to do and be better. I really hope that I have learned my lesson on this. I hope that I am strong enough to recognize a potential problem and walk away. I can't fix anyone. It is not my job. They have to fix themselves. If I choose to be with someone who needs to be fixed...then I have a problem too, and I need to be fixed as well.
Heck...who needs to pay $300 bucks an hour to a shrink when I have you guys!
| | 4/19/2008 9:09:20 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
susansheart839
Port Saint Lucie, FL
age: 60
| I have the enabler cycle. And I seem to be a drunk magnet. Knowing this and having recently read the book CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE, I now have the tools to stop the madness before it starts. It makes no difference that alcoholism is considered a disease. I cannot tolerate it for my own good. Tbere is no prince charming, he died with Camelot. There is, however, an abundance of wonderful men out there who are decent, law abiding, caring individuals. I am very aware of all the red flags now. I remain an observer until the man "earns" my love and affection. Earning it means treating me properly at all times and becoming part of my life.
Good luck with your love journey. I know you will do well.
[Edited 4/19/2008 9:11:02 AM]
| | 4/19/2008 9:10:26 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
crimson_tide
Fort McMurray, AB
age: 33
| Obsession and compulsion are the two main characteristics of addiction ( also insecurity, fear, anger, etc). They think the world pretty much revolves around them 24/7. It's always all about them. Sounds to me like you have been an enabler for these guys. Do some reading on co-dependency and you'll see what I mean. 
| | 4/19/2008 9:12:34 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
metu
Mansfield, TX
age: 47
| *sigh* I've heard menopause stops the "cycle"............?
| | 4/19/2008 9:13:19 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | |
crimson_tide
Fort McMurray, AB
age: 33
|  Metu
| | 4/19/2008 9:15:14 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | |
metu
Mansfield, TX
age: 47
| Many a truth is said in jest...I've found that the older I get, the less tolerance for BS I have.
| | 4/19/2008 9:22:46 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | theironmandan1
Port Saint Lucie, FL
age: 39
| yes i agree with crimson-tide co dependent signs are present, and when you meet men ,when you are out in groups, do you pick the one that is the most agressive and runs every one else away from you. some woman think (I have a Big stong man for protection) but hostile , agressive nature can easily turn on you. most likly most of the men who walked away politely would have been better suited for you (just a thought)
[Edited 4/19/2008 9:23:44 AM]
| | 4/19/2008 9:33:36 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
karma_kisses
Milford, IN
age: 35
| lady,
A bit of hard earned knowledge from someone that shares your affliction.....
We ourselves have an affliction....superheroism......I used to fall for the same type, over and over again...the more tragic the better..
I thought that my love, my intelligence, my persistant determintion to overcome, would be enough for both of us and slay the evil dragon.....
I thought that if I just showed them the way, I could teach them by example, by instruction, by gentle leading...who wouldn't want to live a better life, fullfilled and at peace, if they just had me to teach them how?...
I didn't want to "fix" them, I wanted to mentor them, because what we do is serve. It is what we value, giving the service of helping someone overcome something like being abusive, or an addict or even ultra selfish....what could be more rewarding than that,even when it was we that bore the brunt of thier behavior?
It was a hard lesson for me to learn that some people don't WANT to be taught. They believe that there is nothing wrong with the way that they behave..they know what to do to be able to manipulate us, or are sorry that it just went to far, but not that there is something REALLY wrong with how they are behaving. You will notice that if they truely believed that there was something wrong, they would DO something to correct, if not, there will be no action on their part to take real responsibility or prevent you from experiencing the consequenses of their behavior.
But you are correct, we are led by our hearts and our hearts are addicted to hope. Hope in human kind, we are so loving, giving, supportive (usually because we never had those things ourselves) that we cannot give up hope that the best in them will triumph, that they will do the right thing. We want sooo badly to experience through them, what we never had......because once we realize that hope is lost for them, it is lost or us....and we will never get to experience, even through them, the beauty of unconditional love and support. Since we could not have it ourselves, we will create it for someone else, and at least get to share in the warm glow of their feelings, and get to be a part of the success.....
So, we don our superhero suits in the persuit of justice and hope.....
I haven't retired from being a superhero, the day I do, the world will be a dark, cold place...but I choose which battles I am going to fight. The men that I battle life with or for will be worthy of my powers....smile.
and I have a freind that reminds me to join the human race every once in awhile.....even Superman had to be Clark Kent, sometimes....it is ok for us to not be able to overcome some situation or someone...
So, Paris, I implore you....come join us mortals for a bit, come over to the other side and rest, we have a nice hot, delicious cup of coffee waiting for you...
| | 4/19/2008 9:50:53 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
wolfmanart
Rogers, AR
age: 58
| First of all there are no 2 relationships alike really. We may be attracted to the same types at times but the key is to at least try different types of people and Voila it might turn your crank or you may become inspired in new directions. Psychologists believe you can talk everything to death so 20 years later you are still talking about it. On the otherhand we can just pull ourselves up by the boot straps and take some risk in new directions. Law of averages dictate success after x amount of trys. What we need to ask ourselves is if we are entering these relationships to make ourselves feel better or are we really ready to embrace someone unconditionally and play it out. My advise is hang on to your hat and take a risk in other directions and keep trying. Eventually you will break the cycle. You can't really love or offer true love to someone until you love yourself first. Then and only then can you offer someone real love. You have alot going for you so just do it.
| | 4/19/2008 9:52:04 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Yes, I agree with the co-dependency theory. And thank you all for your insight. I guess it doesn't matter what their problem is; addiction or anger, I feel the need to be the one to love them in spite of it. Yet, I am a very confident woman---outside of my home. I have always been in the management part of business..I am a born leader. I have always worked and been self-supportive. I can live on my own and take care of my children without a man. So, why in the hell would I choose men who needed help? Why wouldn't I choose someone more like myself, confident and outgoing? Am I really an overachiever outside of the home to compensate for my insecurities inside of a home (home being a metaphor for a relationship). I remember telling my ex on several occasions that I felt so much better about myself when I was outside of the house, or at work. I felt attractive, respected, and like I WAS someone. Yet, when I came home, I was insecure, wondering if he was attracted to me, why we weren't having marital relations, if I did this or that would he not drink today and we could have a good evening tonight. Oh..the dreading coming home from work fearing that he would be drunk. He knew how I felt about the drinking and thought he got very good at hiding it. He would drink from early a.m. when i left for work and then stop about 30 minutes before I got home and would sit in the recliner eating something with a big glass of tea. He would think I would think he was sober because when he is drinking--he won't eat until he is completely through drinking. Well, I could still tell...gimme a break. But, he was fooling himself into believing he could have his cake and eat it to. He didn't have to accept the responsibility for the demise of our marriage, if he had himself convinced that I didn't know about his problem and he regularly pointed out mine.
My mother was married to my father for 25 years. He was a cheater, an alcoholic, and a verbal abuser. I don't recall him ever being physical with my mom.
I am following in those footsteps. Eureka! I know what it is...I am either marrying my father repeatedly, or reenacting my moms life because that is what I was raised around and with and had always assumed was normal. Her parents were both alcoholics, and all of her siblings. She is the only one who does not drink. None of my moms children, myself included, drink or have addiction problems.
Although, I do think I have an addictive personality, A LOT, but fortunately, I never was fond of drugs or drinking, so I didn't get sucked into that cycle. However, I have other addictions that can develop quite rapidly. Like, clothes. I was on a kick for a while with clothes. I was so bad, I would sneak them in the house when my husband was gone and then lie about where it came from or how old it was. I have shoes out the wazoo! My ex would actually steer me away from a shoe store or a shoe section in a store, because I would buy yet another pair. Some shoes, I may have worn once and then after hanging on to them for years, I would give them to charity.
Can somebody say Psycho!?
I wish I could get addicted to like exercise, or weight lifting, vegetables..something that was good for me at least! (Not that I don't still love my clothes and shoes, they will always be "good" to me. lol)
I don't have any present uncured addictions. I don't have room for clothes and shoes, nor do I have the double income coming in anymore to be able to afford it.
Maybe this is when I go and find someone with an addiction, so that I can gripe about their issues rather than resolving mine?
I'm cured! Thanks everyone! lol
| | 4/19/2008 9:54:07 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | chopperbabe
Overland Park, KS
age: 47
| I stopped being a door mat after my 1st marriage. Some how verbal abuse did that to me. I decided that I love myself more than deserving such punishment. Yah, he regrets how he treated me but I gave him lots of chances and he never took them. He took for granted that I was gonna just sit there and except what he threw at me. He was wrong.
| | 4/19/2008 9:54:10 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | kenb5b01
Northport, WA
age: 44
| I think I understand where you are coming from. I don’t know if I can answer your question though.
I have recognized very similar habits of my own in choosing partners. Not necessarily the same but similar.
I think that we are each attracted to familiararity. While we are children and learning and developing our ego and subconscious selves, we acquire traits from those around us.
Have you ever met somebody and instantly liked or disliked them? I think that is our subconscious ego being either attracted or repelled by what is familiar.
Two people meet. They “like” each other and start to develop a relationship. Going through a courting process, they start “feeling each other out”. Learning about each other’s pasts. During this period one ego is “summing-up” the other and searching for the familiararities that are comfortable.
I think very likely that the old saying “familiararity breeds contempt” probably has a lot to do with the eventual outcome of many relationships. Many times those same familiararities that our sub-conscience seeks out, are the same familiararities that are unhealthy for us.
I don’t know if I explained my thoughts clearly but I tried.
| | 4/19/2008 9:59:56 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | gonesailingbabe
Des Moines, IA
age: 45
| I again think - strongly - that at some point in your life you have to STOP.
Just stop the insanity and ask - "hey why am I CHOOSING to allow this to continue?"
and then if you truly do, inside of yourself, want a companion of honor, respect and shared life
then you move with inteligence toward fulfilling that desire you have clarified within you.
And you begin to look at your options without blinders.
You begin to see opportunities to grow and age with someone who before you might not have considered...because you were looking at all the wrong reasons.
After choosing to be alone and celibate for so many years, while I have a great desire to "just get laid" I'm not going to make a dumb a** choice in haste and allow that to set me further back in achieving what I truly have matured enough to know I need in my life.
Would getting "laid" by a bad boy hottie be kick a** sweet?
Oh hell yeah!
But long term is that a good choice for me?
no.
Bottom line - the end justifies the means
(I hope!)
Otherwise I may as well have been a nun.
And bought some cats.
| | 4/19/2008 10:02:57 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Karma..I think you hit the nail on the head. When I read your post, it was like someone was writing the thoughts from my very own mind. Just with some realization instead of denial. I think you 100% correct. No one has ever proven to love me unconditionally, so I will give that to someone else to prove that unconditional love exists maybe???
It is really crazy though. I know unconditional love exists. I have that love for my children and my parents had it for me. I guess, the fact that I am not living out my "lifes" aspirations or dreams of being married, and growing old with someone and sharing all of the ups and downs and through thick and thins with someone, that I want to prove to myself that it exists by giving it to someone who is a bit of a challenge.
Damn, we women are crazy! Maybe I liked it better before I over analyzed everything. Maybe I am just turned on by the bad boys and the sooner I decide to find a good boy, who is only "bad" at the appropriate and needed times, then I will have a chance of fulfilling my dreams, rather than looking to fulfill my dreams by giving them to someone else.
| | 4/19/2008 10:14:58 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Kenb..I think you said it quite eloquently. I understand and believe all that you said to be true exactly. That is why so many children of abused parents, become abusers or marry abusers. Not simply by making a choice, but by subconsciously seeking out the familiarity that they grew accustomed to as a child.
Okay, we could all be the next Dr. Phil!...with hair!
You know, I did see a counselor once...relationship difficulties..imagine that...and he wanted me to just talk. He said very little. Never offered up an opinion. You think, well, tell me what is wrong and fix it! But, after several appointments, I ran across the right topic and must have worked things out in my head and realized that I wasn't the one with the problem. I also realized who was. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I broke up with the guy I was with for over 3 years because I was repeating the cycle...and I took the time to look inside myself and realize that while I was beating myself up for not being enough to keep this man happy, he was the one with the problem...he was the one who was addicted to computer games. Sounds funny right, but I paid the bills, cleaned the house, mowed the lawn, EVERYTHING. He worked and played games. I was insecure because he would rather play a video game than go to bed with me. Now that is f-ed up! Cost me a fortune to figure that one out.
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