| 4/19/2008 8:09:31 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| I have continually throughout my life, chosen the same "type" of man. The type of man that I am attracted to. While all are not exactly the same personality-wise, they all have so many of the same attributes. All have either been cheaters, abusers, or have addiction problems. I do not realize this of course, until I am in too deep because they are all "Mr. Perfects to me" when I start seeing them.
So how do we recognize this and prevent it from happening again and again...especially when we are clearly attracted to something about a specific type of person?
| | 4/19/2008 8:10:25 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
mitchell1221
Chattanooga, TN
age: 45
| put on the brakes usually stops my cycle.
| | 4/19/2008 8:24:08 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
gonesailingbabe
Des Moines, IA
age: 45
| I have a close friend who said my lack of gate keeping in all regards was my problem. He told me this last June, so since I have implemented the need for me to "temper" my emotions or instincts or feelings with more "reining"...think mustang with reins flapping before last Summer?
To give further insite into me, in my personal interaction with people I am comfortable with and have known for great lengths of time I am a bubbling, vibrant person. I love generously and laugh often...but that effervescence needed to be a bit more cautiously allowed with "strangers".
My enthusiasm with life and meeting people and sharing all of life's opportunities has led me to be open and unreserved - when I should have been more cautious, and with-holding.
That's sad, true.
Because it means that past mistakes have taught me to close who I am, or how I am off from others.
But that's the truth of it.
Now, I with-hold and with-draw until such time as I feel it's prudent or acceptable to be myself.
As to finding the "Right One" in this manner...I try to have inside me the reminders of going slow, being cautious and reiterating the reasons why I need and want to alter my previous instincts to just "go for it".
Is it breaking the cycle? I don't know. I hope so...but until the next "real" relationship - how can I know?
| | 4/19/2008 8:26:09 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
classicsfan
Charlottetown, PE
age: 51
| I'm gonna jump right in here and suggest you find a therapist who can help you find out why that happens. I've always tried to pay attention to warning signs in the early stages. However, it seems that manipulators and users can come to too many guises to see them all in time.
Perhaps, if you have friends whom you trust they can see the patterns before you do.
| | 4/19/2008 8:28:27 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
reenie4
Milwaukee, WI
age: 51 online now!
| It appears to me that you have uncovered the reasons after the relationship ends. There is always signs or signals in the early stages of a relationship if you chose to see it. Use the knowledge you experienced in this stage.
| | 4/19/2008 8:31:03 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | |
goodforfun51
Virginia Beach, VA
age: 53
| ladyinparis, seems like maybe you don't take time to be as observant in your "courting" period as ya might need to be.
I have noticed from being around and/or listening to many women who have experienced the personal trait types you cited that;
Abusers and cheaters have a lack of respect for women in general. Listen to how they talk to women and how they say things about women. They show their true colors many times in guise of a joke but its not the rare joke... it's commonly repitave. Btw, its vice versa for the lady abusers too.
Addicts have a propensity for displaying their traits well in advance of being in a relationship. It shows its ugly head early. Watch how often they are messed up at bars or parties. How often they like to "Get high" or thrive for the experience of getting high and once high... does it stop there? or is the next level sought!
So, how do you stop the cycle?  Pay closer attention. Be extremely observant, don't be guided by your heart so much, use the head to balance the hearts desires and  don't jump too quickly into relationships.  JMO
| | 4/19/2008 8:31:28 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
wolfcreekgal
Sheridan, WY
age: 44
| Ladyinparis, I too, have always attracted the "bad boy" types and now am talking to a man here who seems to be everything those men were NOT.
I wondered why the men I met in the past always seemed to be the same man in a different package. I think if you look beyond their outward appearance, there are definite signals right from the beginning.
They want to possess you right away, they don't really want you to be "you", they don't respect your opinions, they are takers caring only about their own needs and they tend to be extremely jealous.
I don't know if any of the above applies to your past male encounters, but I bet it does.
How does one avoid making the same mistake again? Look for any of the above signs in men you talk to now and make a run for the hills FAST if you see them. Read ALL of the posts of men you are in interested in here, Boy, can they tell you a lot about him!!!
Keep your chin up, girlfriend, a man who will focus on YOUR needs as well his own is out there for you!!!! 
| | 4/19/2008 8:34:02 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
cmjanew
Sayre, PA
age: 48
| I wonder if its just a timing thing. Is it just a rebound deal?????? If so, a little time may help you prevent the recurrence.
If that's not it. Take the therapist route.
As far as Gonebabings comment. To think, I envy those who are like the earlier you. Not the mistakes obviously. But the effervescent way.
| | 4/19/2008 8:34:38 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
stellablu
Saint Louis, MO
age: 50
| hmmmm....
I continue to be myself, learn daily, respect and embrace my past while wanting more in the future.
| | 4/19/2008 8:35:21 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
redneckhippy
Pottsboro, TX
age: 40
| You might also do a bit of introspection to find out
why it is that you keep being drawn to cheaters, abusers,
and addicts.
| | 4/19/2008 8:35:55 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
timetestedtuff
Lexington, MO
age: 61
| You may have your answers right in front of you??? (you state throughout your life) seems you have the history to know first hand what was not correct. it may very well be just the reverse. you know what has not worked which should or may allow you see things in a totaly different manor. JMO
| | 4/19/2008 8:37:34 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
rose37
San Marcos, TX
age: 71
| I have this same type of influence and it is called...Dependence behaviour or it could also be Obsessive Compulsion...I feel it is a stigmatic influence from childhood, it is ingrained into persons that we can only survive with this type personality and it may last a few years and then ....POOOF....you just stop it...something tells you this person is a drag.
Insecurity is Hell...This world is moving too fast now for my age group to re-group and change it. Youngsters have time left to make changes and adjustments in their mind sets and judgments. And it may require, medication...
Obsessive compulsion is a disease and Co-dependency is the illnes or catapault.
I would also like to inteject, every person who is unhappy, such as we, needs the presence of the Holy Spirit in their lives. I do not mean structured religion, I mean stop what you are doing and where ever you are and just ask God to help you...
His wisdom and peace passes all man or woman's understanding...Try it and see...
May God bless us all and intercede.
| | 4/19/2008 8:38:29 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | |
ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Yes, you are probably right. There probably were signs. But, you know when you are in a new relationship and all is going well, and they guy makes you feel like you are the only woman in the world...well, when you see "little signs" you kind of do the weigh in one had and the other hand thing. You know, everyone has faults, is this a fault I can live with, how many faults can I live with in a person...everyone has faults, etc.
Let me tell you, my first husband, was the best husband in the world to me when he was cheating. He was always more attentive (sure it was guilt), never stopped wanting to be sexual, and I never felt that he didn't love me with all of his heart. Yet, usually when things were this good, he was sleeping with someone else too. When he was a bit b*tchy around the house, and less attentive...he wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Crazy huh? He was a good daddy, good provider, and a good husband to me for along time...until I realized all that he was doing, and had done. Wow! Blew my mind. He was later arrested and served time in prison for rape--and also raped me after we were separated. He must have had a sexual addiction.
How do you know to look for signs like that? Okay, well, everything is great in my life, so the bastard must be cheating?????
[Edited 4/19/2008 8:42:12 AM]
| | 4/19/2008 8:52:17 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | | 
noredneckhere
Sevierville, TN
age: 47 online now!
| Hey Paris, look at the bright side, unlike Hillary, you dump 'em. Makes you smarter than her, and look how many people think she's smart.
| | 4/19/2008 8:54:54 AM | So, how do we stop the cycle... | |
ladyinparis
Paris, TX
age: 41
| Rose, I just want to say that I think you are a wonderful and very insightful individual. I agree with what you say.
In each of my relationships, I was a co-dependent of sorts. I thought I was the woman who loved like no other woman could. So, when a man had a problem such as being abusive...he would cry afterwards and say how awful he felt and he hated himself being that way, wished he was dead, threatened to commit suicide...I bought into it hook line and sinker. I was like, oh you poor baby, I am so sorry you can't stop bashing my head in!
The cheater, again, always remorseful..and I was 19 when we got together and had 2 children with him.
And the alcoholic---he wasn't drinking when we met, but I knew he was an alcoholic. But damned if he wasn't the sexiest man I had ever met. Treated me like I was a queen. Respected my opinions and my brains, but gradually, life stepped in, and here he was raising two teenage girls--his kids were grown with children of their own--is was 15 years older than me), he began having sexual problems, and instead of seeking help, he turned to his old friend the beer can. I tried and tried to make it work. So did he. He didn't want to quit drinking, he knew he wasn't the best thing for my kids, and I knew I wanted to have sex again in my life! So, we parted ways.
Now, I think, why? Why would I have let myself fall for this guy? I knew his kids were raised, I knew he was uncomfortable with the whole kid thing, I knew he was an alcoholic, and yet, I thought my love would carry us through all the challenges life had to deal us.
Rose, I believe in the Holy Spirit as well. I believe that his voice was with me and I didn't always listen. I have always tried to see the best in people. I search for it in fact. God has always been there for me when I have gone through these heartbreaks, and has picked me back up and dusted me off. He, fortunately, sees the best in people too, and forgives me always for not listening, and I believe that I have gotten something good out of each of the relationships. Even if it was just a learning experience that will help guide my future.
I know, I know, if I would just listen to that still small voice in the beginning..I could save myself a lot of heartache.
But, I think God understands that I try, and it is not a bad thing to see the best in people, and to accept people for their and with their imperfections.
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, Rose. You are a delight!
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