| 4/23/2008 2:06:47 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
michael6967275
Columbia, MO
age: 46
| A couple of months ago, after several years of ever-more shaky marriage, my wife moved out on me. She has a new guy,a so far, pre-sexual partner and they await our divorce.
I have racked my brain as to why this happened, and I have to say that I made a lot of mistakes during our marriage. Little ones that added-up to death by a thousand cuts.
How in the world can a person learn enough from such a loss to keep from repeteing it?
It all seems so complicated to me and my simple brain is so over-loaded I can't sleep more than a couple of hours a night.
It would be easier to tell myself that she is a whack-job, and that I'll be better off without her, (this is what well-meaning friends tell me) but the truth is that there has to be some amount of my personality defects to blame and be fixed or suffer repetition.
How honest are you being about your split?
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| 4/23/2008 2:41:37 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
mrq423
Racine, WI
age: 55
| Mike, I was married 30 yrs.
He lost his job, after 28 yrs., moved across the state to work
back at his hometown. (Living with his mother.)
He came back after 6 weeks, saying he did not want to move back
where our home was, our kids, and where we met.
He hated the town, and the company that let him go.
He was a control freak. Verbally abusive. Always so negative.
And while he was gone, I realized I could run a household without him.
I am hoping the next 30 yrs. will be happier for me.
It's been 4 yrs. now. I do get lonely at times.
But this is the happiest I have been in a long time.
No looking back for me, just forward !
I understand the sleepless nights.
You rehash everything in your mind. Over and over....
Don't look at it as your downfall.
It was her decision. You didn't do anything wrong.
Stuff just happens.
Good luck to you.
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| 4/23/2008 3:00:27 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
newlife4me2
Sioux Falls, SD
age: 43
| Mike,
I understand that totally overwhelming feeling you get trying to figure out what exactly went wrong.
Last year when my husband (divorce is filed for but still pending)finally announced to me that he was leaving me I went into a complete and total tail spin for three months or so. I stopped sleeping, stopped eating (lost 50lbs or better - so it wasn't all bad), and began seeing a therapist.
I too had my friends and family telling me over and over again that it wasn't my fault and that he would be sorry etc. I joined this site originally seeking people who had been through what I am going through, hoping that I would be able to learn from those with experience.
Bottom line though, for me, was that I did indeed have my fair share of the guilt to accept for the state of and end of our marriage. I spent hours indentifying and owning the behavior I believed contributed to the relationships failure. I have since devoted every day to improving and not making those same mistakes over again.
That however is only half the solution.
Equally important, for me, was the acceptance of the fact that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for his lack of sincere and honest effort or participation in trying to address and correct our problems. Relationships take two people who are committed and working toward mutual goals. One person alone in the relationship will never be able to 'make it work'.
Today I have to admit that personally I am at peace and actually quite thankful for the valuable lessons I've learned over the course of this ordeal (which isn't quite over yet). I had stagnated in the marriage, stopped growing and learning as a person. My only regret is that it took 19+ years for me to get as far as I am now.
I am not bitter, don't walk around with a chip on my shoulder towards men. I have very high hopes for my future across every area of life - including a new love. I also still hold to the goal of my next being the last love I will ever need.
I may not be fully healed of all the wounds yet, but I KNOW healing is possible and every day brings me one step closer.
Peace to you - it will come.............
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| 4/23/2008 3:17:17 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
mosplace
Boulder City, NV
age: 46
| Its not easy Michael but wounds do go away the scars will always be there but like any other scar you learn from it and move on. My dad has a saying "relationships are 50/50 but it takes 110% effort from both for it to work" I honestly (now that I am older) believe in that statement. Divorce is the fault of both I know where I went wrong He still (13 years later) blames it all on me but he also tells people that our divorce was never finalized (not true) he refused to finalize it so I did! Do not be like him hun its over mistakes happen but to dwell on them does no good
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| 4/23/2008 5:35:13 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
coppermare
Grady, AL
age: 48
| I'm so honest your welcomed to call mine and ask yourself! It was pretty hard for ME to get HIM to sign the papers and I ended it. I had to promise I'd date him after the divorce...hahahaha fat chance! He'd still come back if I said I wanted him. But come hell nor high water do I want him. He knows he screwed up. And that is about as honest as it gets.
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| 4/23/2008 6:01:49 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
brendaj
Savannah, GA
age: 45
| I always feel like I did something wrong somewhere along the way, for him to be the way he was to me, but I haven't for the life of me figured out what it was. My friends & family always say, that there really are bad seeds in the world & I just happen to have had one. He started out a really decent & good guy, but he visited an old friend of his not long after our daughter was born & turned him onto heroine. It makes you do some terrible things to people. That was pretty much the end, he changed into such a cruel person, but I didn't know that was why at the time, I only knew he changed. I did stay in the marriage for almost 11 years after that, always trying to make it work. I endured a lot of things, I really prefer not discussing all of it with many people, but when asked I am honest, I just leave out a lot, because it's really too hard for me to rehash. I think some of it has to be said, just so people can kinda figure, why you're the way you are, but I don't think every ugly detail needs to be brought out. My family & my friends know & of course our kids knew way too much, that's the shameful & hurtful part.
[Edited 4/23/2008 7:01:14 AM]
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| 4/23/2008 6:07:24 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
bry11ca
Wyandotte, MI
age: 43
| Because I am a D*ckhead . . .
oh, yeah, and there was this thing about cutting the bums off of my $$$$$$$$$. Go figure.
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| 4/23/2008 6:07:43 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
justmemaree
Queensland
Australia
age: 46
| hey.....all i can say is that my friends were more appealing than me.............. and he went with it.....end of story!!!
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| 4/23/2008 6:08:25 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
justmemaree
Queensland
Australia
age: 46
| ROFLMAO Bry.........................
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| 4/23/2008 6:23:00 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
yanks118
Moab, UT
age: 25
| there are two sides to every story, i can sit and say the reasons it didn't work out for me...... and i'm sure my ex could do the same thing... what his issues with me were.... sometimes it is just not ment to be!
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| 4/23/2008 7:06:46 PM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
michael6967275
Columbia, MO
age: 46
| Thanks for the responses 
Of course, she made plenty of mistakes as well, but I can only work on the ones I own.
The sad part to me is that while I was working to have a relationship with her,
she was having relationships at work and ended up with one she can soon call her lover.
I don't care how nice a guy he is, if a lady has a wedding ring on (and it's STILL on) and he is making plans with her,and she with him, then in my mind, they are commiting adultry, at least in their hearts.
Planning a murder is a crime as well as the murder itself, if you get the point.
I can only hope I am rewarded someday by finding the right lady when I am healed of this.
I think that selfishness is a good one word answer.
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| 4/23/2008 7:17:43 PM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
oliverbrancher
Calgary, AB
age: 46
| i am not split michael...i am all in one piece here. and lucky to be so.
it if were up to that whack-job that left i would be dead by a million cuts. and may be yet.
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| 4/24/2008 1:42:43 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
ladyvirtue52
Redding, CA
age: 52
| Thats easy, he said he wasnt in love with me and he was cheating. I filed for divorce two days later..simple as that.
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| 4/24/2008 2:24:48 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
metu
Mansfield, TX
age: 47 online now!
| I'm very honest with myself...I was very young, inexperienced & dumb...he was 15yrs older, manipulative, & a junkie...I got tired of the abuse & divorced him after 10yrs...he died with a rig in his arm 3yrs ago at the age of 59...that was one funeral I didn't have to pay for!
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| 4/24/2008 3:43:03 AM | Your spouse left you, How honest are you about why? | |
stylistic
Rockville, MD
age: 46
| Michael,
You discribed your marriage as shaky, well then it came as no surprise that your wife had a support of others out side your marriage.Friends is not cheating. You said you want to learn from this????? Stop ragging on the soon to be X and focus on yourself.You are on this sight to possibly find someone. You need to unpack the baggage now. No one wants a bitter man or woman for that matter. If you can put a handle on your contribution to the problems this would be helpful in you next relationship,and you won't repeat the problems.
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