| 5/9/2008 7:43:04 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | | 
mystical012
Jupiter, FL
age: 55
| I met a gentlemen online in January. We've seen each other only 2 times since we live in different states. We speak on the phone 2 to 3 times daily. We'd gotten really very close and were planning a future together. And he was planning to relocate to my area. When he was younger, he'd lived here and is unhappy where he is. Also his business is easily carried on anywhere. He appeared to be a more than decent guy and we were getting along splendidly. The problem arose when he had brochures printed and used my name on it as a "tour coordinator" and my business name as a "sponsor" for one of his ventures--all without my permission. I do not think that he was doing anything illegal. I have checked out his background and he is legitimate businessman. I do think that he was being presumptuous in thinking that it was okay to do this without discussing it with me. He excitedly sent me copies of the brochures to peruse and I was amazed to see what he'd done. I considered it to be huge "red flag" and broke off the relationship immediately. He is a 55 year old businessman. How could he not know that what he did was wrong? And after getting to know me for several months, how could he think that I'd let him get away with it? Even if he wasn't being dishonest, he was definitely being controlling and inconsiderate (unethical?). I know that he needed someone local to legitimize his project but he never bothered to ask if he could use my name and the name of my business. There are also legal ramifications that I never even had the opportunity to consider. I think that I made the right decision to break it off but it doesn't stop the ache in my heart and I'm sure that he is hurting, too, because he never considered the fact that I'd oppose him and react so strongly to what he did. I think that I just need someone to talk to and validate my actions. I'm a decent, generous woman with a kind heart but I can be quite strong-willed and assertive when I need to be. Can I get some feedback on this? I'd appreciate it.
[Edited 5/9/2008 8:33:31 AM]
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| 5/9/2008 8:36:23 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
honestinlov4u
Abington, PA
age: 60
| I do think you are right, He had no right to do this w/o asking or at the very least discussing it with you. As a business person, he sounds like he was fishing. As a person willing to move I would need to know at least two things
1) what does the BBB say about him
2)Did he feel that you MAY have said that if he moved you would do anything for him?? If so could he have thought it included his business?
Bottom line, In my opinion he did seem to be controling you in this area...At the very least it would set off a red flag to me. BUT I would discuss this to the utmost since he was going to relocate (and marry??) for you.
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| 5/9/2008 8:56:14 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
mystical012
Jupiter, FL
age: 55
| Thanks for your response Honest. I would have indeed helped him to get set up if he'd asked. However, I would not have linked my business to him because we don't have enough history together. If something had gone wrong with his project, I could have been held liable both personally and professionally and he could easily have left the country. I don't like thinking this way about him but it is a possibility. And "yes" we'd spoken of marriage--but only after we'd spent more time getting to know each other better.
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| 5/9/2008 9:04:52 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
gr8stwoman
Dingla
Nepal
age: 89
| For the most part, I have to agree with honestinlov. A businessman, especially one who is 55 should know better than to use your name and the name of your business without your permission. The first thing that occurred to me when reading your situation was that there could be legal ramifications since you are listed as a sponsor.
While this would be a HUGE red flag to me, I don't know if I would have ended the relationship based on this reason alone. I would want to know (as honestinlov suggested) whether he thought permission was implied and what his intentions were. At the very least, it is a HUGE misunderstanding. But, in my opinion, relationships can bounce back from these errors in judgment when lessons are learned. If you truly feel that you made the right decision to end this relationship (and only you can know that), do whatever you can to heal and move on. If you have any doubt (& based on what I have read, I suspect you might), consider giving him another chance if you think he may have learned from this mistake. Some people don't make a lot of little mistakes, but when they do eventually make a mistake, it can be monumental. I'm one of those people. 
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| 5/9/2008 9:28:36 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
mystical012
Jupiter, FL
age: 55
| Thank you, as well, Gr8. I don't think that the relationship can be salvaged. Both of us came out of this quite battered and promised never to contact the other ever again. Probably because I was so angry that I refused to speak with him. He is the son of a king in Africa and was trying to raise awareness (money) for his and his father's projects by sponsoring these tours to West Africa. My son, who was a police officer for 17 years, checked out his background and he is who he says he is. When the problem with the brochures occurred, I instinctly knew that he would take advantage of (use) me to get what he needed. He has been in the U.S. for many years and his mother was African American so I know that he is accustomed to and familiar with business etiquette. It hurts to acknowledge that he would use me but I deep down I believe that it's true and hence, the reason for my strong reaction.
[Edited 5/9/2008 9:49:31 AM]
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| 5/9/2008 10:17:52 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
susansheart839
Port Saint Lucie, FL
age: 60
| I agree with the OPs. You had a right to be asked to be linked to his business before he did the brochures. Your insticts were right on target and I applaud you for being a savvy business woman. I also note that this man states he is a son of an African king...this could have been a major scam and you got out before he started asking for "seed money" for your shared endeavor.
Bottom line, you only met him 4 months ago and although he kept in contact with you telephonically, you never met him, right? If this is correct, don't be like me and fall for it. It took me 7 years to get him out of my life and in the meantime, he did a lot of damage to me emotionally and financially.
Be smart out there, girls!
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| 5/9/2008 10:44:01 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
mystical012
Jupiter, FL
age: 55
| No Susan, I've met him twice and also met members of his family who reside in Atlanta, GA. I also attended a large gala in New York with him. His father, the Paramount Chief (King) was in the U.S. and they were having a celebration for him garnering support for his 50 years of service as King. My son did a thorough background check on him so he is legitimate but that doesn't mean that he's not above using American women to help him in his endeavors. I won't be one of them. Thank you for your response.
[Edited 5/9/2008 10:44:39 AM]
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| 5/9/2008 11:02:50 AM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
gr8stwoman
Dingla
Nepal
age: 89
| Thank you, as well, Gr8. I don't think that the relationship can be salvaged... When the problem with the brochures occurred, I instinctly knew that he would take advantage of (use) me to get what he needed... It hurts to acknowledge that he would use me but I deep down I believe that it's true and hence, the reason for my strong reaction.
mystical: Indeed, there are extenuating circumstances in this case. I applaud your decision and wish you only the best and all the best!!!
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| 5/9/2008 2:02:27 PM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
100proof
Dayton, OH
age: 36
| If he was moving to you who was going to help him start his business? Maybe if he had a better undstanding of how he was going to survive he wouldn't have thought of this bad idea? He could be selfish ,worried about employment or didn't know if you where going to take care of him. If you where going to make him a house husband it can still work he didn't know your the boss.   you done the right thing don't ever mess wit me $$$$$$$ he had to 2 go!!!! 
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| 5/9/2008 2:24:49 PM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
irparis39
New York, NY
age: 49
| I understand where you're coming from, but I think you overreacted. Since your son checked him out, you know he's not out to get the "American woman". If he is royalty, he has his own identity and reputation to protect.
Also, I think that for some reason, we older women don't seem to allow for errors in judgement from anyone and jump all over the guy when he makes a mistake. Therefore, no one learns lessons of temperance, decision making and/or many of the other attributes that we can learn from life lessons. If we continue to break up with guys over every bump in the road, what guy will want to be with you as you've proven to be a bit hit melodramatic. And you show that you're not a problem solving.
He didn't kill anyone, he didn't steal anything that you know of. He made an error in judgement. Of cause he should have spoken with you before hand, that goes without question, but is it really a deal breaker, or were you looking for excuses to break up with him.
You could have given him a chance to make restitution, but you just cut him off at the knees and he doesn't get to learn what's acceptable and not acceptable and you don't get to teach him the lesson to your liking. Thereby giving him a chance to retrack, restore what you don't like. No matter what age, people make mistakes, little ones, big ones...we shouldn't sweat it but rather find a solution. Unless you just really don't give a hoot.
Paris
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| 5/9/2008 4:08:31 PM | I'd like some feedback, guys, on decision to end relationship | |
mystical012
Jupiter, FL
age: 55
| Hi Paris,
Thanks for your insight. You are right in some ways. I can be a little hot-headed and sometimes don't have patience with these types of things. lol But there were other things that caused me to make the decision to break it off which I have not disclosed. However, I will give your assessment of the situation some serious thought. You have given me something to think about. You gave me a different perspective. Thank you.
[Edited 5/9/2008 5:29:31 PM]
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