Do you plan on dating my daughter? Actually, before you answer that you need to read over my ten simple rules to date her, sign your life away (just technicalities), as well as give some samples of your DNA for future use, if necessary. Now that we got the small stuff out of the way, read the following rules below and if you agree and sign you may qualify to date my beautiful, wonderful, innocent and precious daughter.
If you plan on taking my daughter on a date and come to my house and honk your horn or call her cell phone you'd better be the UPS man, because you are not picking anything up.
If you touch my daughter be prepared to have removal of the touching limbs from your body in any such way that I feel appropriate. The same goes for your wandering eyes, if they go anywhere below eye level I will ask you to leave the premises as soon as possible, if you do not comply I will take action that I feel is necessary (i.e. taser gun, small rifle etc.).
I am aware that the so-called latest fashion trends mean that you wear your jeans several sizes too big so that your underwear shows or that you wear jeans known as "girl pants" for boys that are so tight they contour every area of your lower extremities and also expose your underwear. Please don't be embarrassed but you look ridiculous and so do your friends. I realize that you are just following the latest trends because you aren’t original in your choices so let’s come to a negotiation: You may come to the door with your under clothes showing and your pants too big or too small, and I will not comment. However, to make certain that your clothes do not accidentally slide off or spontaneously explode off your body due to being too tight, I will take my staple gun and fasten your jeans snugly in place to your waist.
In today’s world, sexual activity among young people is becoming rather common place. Just because this is a commonality does not mean that it will be happening with my daughter. If you think that you will have opportunities to explore your sexual activity with my daughter you will find out that I will be the only type of birth control that you will need. There will be no text messaging, video chatting; late night cell phone calls either because I will be watching…everything.
When you come to my house to pick up my daughter (at the door) I do not wish to discuss any other information such as sports or politics for which, you have no intelligible knowledge of these subjects, other than what time you will be bringing my daughter home. That means, all I want to hear coming out of your mouth as you pick her up is the word “early”.
If you plan on dating other girls besides my daughter make sure that you have told her and that she is okay with this. If she is not okay with this and you make her upset, I will have to find several new methods to make you upset as well.
If my daughter is not ready when you come to pick her up do not complain, do not fidget, and do not roll your eyes-get used to waiting.
Events or places that you may not bring my daughter on dates: Places where there is any dim lighting or anything softer than a concrete wall. Places where there is dancing or alcoholic beverages, joy or holding hands, all of these are also prohibited. Places where there is darkness are not even an option. Any type of romantic movie theme is strictly prohibited. Boxing matches are okay.
If you lie to me about anything I will find out. Even though I may seem like an out of touch, “old geezer” I will find out the truth and trust me, I do know how to Google someone. Also, I have a very large yard with an over-sized shovel.
If you are not afraid, you should be. My daughter is an extension of me and if you underestimate me than you are definitely underestimating her.
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