###The five most important things I learned in middle school, in no particular order:
All important lessons, but only one worth talking about, at least for our purposes. No, I don’t mean boner-veiling, but rather everyone’s favorite form of PDA: getting intimate at the cinema. It’s dark, relatively quiet and you’re sure to attract the lascivious stares of about four or five nondescript middle-aged men in trenchcoats — how could she say no to romance like that?!
Before you get too excited, there are some important tactics to review. The local multiplex no longer represents the most cost-effective route to first-base in town, so don’t be the fool who misses his cues and ends up watching a movie on accident. Commit the following guidelines to memory and you’ll be attracting the awkward reproaches of an acned usher in no time.
Choose Your Feature Presentation Wisely
Do: See a movie that you’ve either A) both seen before or B) don’t have a genuine interest in watching. In hindsight, Mom and Dad must have known exactly what Erica and I were up to when we saw Ms. Congeniality three separate times in seventh grade.
Don’t: See a movie that has just hit theaters and is thus likely to open to a packed house.
Do: Rom-coms and horror movies.
Don’t: Anything sad and serious. Remember the ire that Jerry drew after he and his girlfriend made out during Schindler’s List in that one episode of Seinfeld?
Seat Yourself Wisely
Do: Sit in the most remote, isolated corner of the theater. The back row is best, if lacking for subtlety (i.e. you might get a weird look from your date for choosing the rear-most seats in an otherwise empty screening room).
Don’t: Sit within an errant-strand-of-saliva’s-shot of other audience members.
Share Some Refreshments
Do: Coincidentally reach into the jumbo popcorn bag at the same time she does to initiate physical contact.
Don’t: Knock over that same jumbo popcorn bag when she reaches out to grab your hand.
On the Subject of Holding Hands …
Do: It! Seriously.
Don’t: Worry so much about your damp palms; it will only make them damper.
As for Other Touching …
Do: Rest a hand on her leg. Act like it’s NoBigDeal.
Don’t: Do that tacky yawn and stretch and oops-now-my-hand-is-around-your-shoulder thing. Or any other maneuver that accomplishes the same result, which is invariably uncomfortable for both parties. Blame movie seats and their rigid cup-holding-partitions. They suck.
How Will I Know the Moment Is Right?
Do: Steal a couple sideways glances at one another. Preferably followed by some blushing and a quick turn in the opposite direction.
Don’t: Stare. Leave that to the nondescript middle-aged aged men in trenchcoats seated in all directions of you.
As for Initiation …
Do: Turn toward her. Touch her chin lightly with the fingertips of your outside hand. At this point she should know what you’re fishing for and meet you in the middle. If not, you’ll be sitting through a fairly unbearable final hour of the movie.
Don’t: Be indecisive. Once you resolve to kiss her, exude confidence with your body language and move swiftly.
What’s the consensus on rounding first and heading for second?
Do: Keep things relatively tame. You are in public, after all. Some mild OTP-action might be acceptable, but leave the naked-er stuff for the bedroom.
Don’t: Take your clothes off. Or groan. Or make any noise that is likely to elicit the attention of your fellow moviegoers.
Do: Make out intermittently throughout the feature, during especially boring or (in the case of horror movies) terrifying sequences.
Don’t: Make out for the entirety of the film. It’s A) exhausting, B) lip-chapping and C) you need to catch a scene here and there so you can describe the movie to your parents afterwards.
Hey wait … we’re not in middle school anymore! Go ahead and suck face straight through the credits as long as you’re both enjoying yourselves.
Next week: How to heavy pet in a petting zoo.
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