We all need a guiding hand.
Dr. Ruth, Dan Savage, and your middle school gym teacher can technically prepare you as much as possible for your sojourn into the world of sexuality, but there are some things experts and textbooks just don't have enough time to cover. In fact, a new study from the CDC claims that 80 percent of young teens are having sex before they even have one sex ed class. So here's a list of awkward, true, and hilarious things that nothing but sex itself could have ever prepared us for.
1. There's going to be a wet spot
Man or woman, there's probably going to be a small wet patch on your sheets. It may even be white when it dries. Sorry.
2. Condoms take a minute to put on
Putting on a condom isn't a seamless maneuver. Sometimes, you need to hop up from the bed, grab a rubber, fumble with the wrapper, and take a second to roll it on. It puts a pause on action, so it's important to keep the mood alive.
3. You have to pee right after sex
Called the honeymooner's disease, not peeing after sex is a perfect storm for getting a painful UTI. Ladies, a lot of foreign bodies have just been inside you. Put on a robe and pee within 20 minutes after sex.
4. Changing positions isn't always fluid
Doggy style, cowgirl, and missionary are common, but they're not foolproof. Depending on your body parts, your preferred angles, and the position you're already in, changing positions doesn't happen in one fluid motion. Often it takes a conversation and some repositioning.
5. Boob farts happen
If you're a boob-haver or have sex with the mammary-inclined, sometimes when two chests rub up against one another, the suction can cause a big old juicy fart noise. It's uncanny, hilarious, and best to be laughed off.
6. Wearing two condoms is a ridiculously bad idea
Doubling up on contraceptives is great in some cases, as in she's on the pill and he's wearing a condom. But when you put two condoms over one another, you're asking for a baby.
7. Men aren't always horny
Contrary to middle-school beliefs, men aren't gawking and fondling walking libidos. Neither are women. Not everyone is always up for sex or in the mood. Thanks for the lies, society!
8. Queefing can easily happen
Much like its sister sex noise, the boob fart, queefing — when air gets pushed out of the vagina (or anus) resulting in a fartish noise — is a force to be reckoned with. Please note: Although we are only addressing absurd body farts in this list, real farts can and do indeed happen during sex as well.
9. You don't automatically get pregnant or get an STD if you have unprotected sex
Ovulation and infections are tough things to understand as an adolescent. A baby doesn't automatically fill up your womb the second you don't use a condom. (But, still wear protection, guys!)
10. Sometimes people don't fit
The reign of big dicks will tell you that there's no such thing as too big of a dick, too tight a vagina, too tight an asshole. But genitals come in different sizes and shapes and, sometimes, it takes a lot of practice, creative angles, and lube to really get there.
11. You need a guiding hand
Contrary to what porn and movies might suggest, people don't really just "pop" in a vagina or an asshole blindly with the grace and ease of a ballerina. Mostly, penetration of any kind requires a guiding hand, and there's nothing wrong with it. There's no way to know exactly where to put stuff the first time around.
12. It doesn't always feel amazing
Every time you bone isn't always a fantastic-sex-magic-confetti-candyapple-wonderland with every partner. Sometimes, sex is dull, unstimulating, or one-sided. But, you know, most of the time it's incredible.
13. You don't orgasm every time
Orgasms are sort of like Magic Eye paintings. Everyone will say they get it every time regardless if they really do see the 3D unicorn. In that same way, you might expect everyone to have an orgasm ever time sex occurs, that's simply not the case. Both men and women can enjoy sex without having an orgasm.
14. Lube is for all people
Once relegated to "old lady desert vagina stuff," lube is, in fact, highly suggested and highly recommended by sexually active adults of all ages. The amount of natural vaginal lubrication a lady makes isn't necessarily consistent throughout sex. And if you're doing boy-on-boy or any sort of toy play, this stuff is essential.
15. Everyone gets hard
It's not just dicks. Clitorises become engorged and women's nipple's get hard when people are aroused. It's not just cold in here, people are turned on.
16. Condoms smell terrible
As great as they are, a condom smells like a tire factory exploded and spent a week in a hamster cage soaking in light beer. And then your body is tattooed with the terrible latex scent for the rest of the day. Please wash! As for the taste of condoms, well, there are some things you'll only learn by experiencing them.
17. Pubic hair can cause rug burn
Nobody likes to talk about it, but sweaty pubes grinding against a face or another groin can cause skin irritation and rashes.
18. Penises don't become instantly hard
Some men are slower growers, some get softer during different activities, and some men remain rock hard even minutes after ejaculating. Chances are, limp or tumescent, the dick is still normal.
19. Longer sex doesn't always mean better sex
While you probably don't want to be skirting the under-the-minute mark and tantra definitely has its benefits, long marathon sex can be damaging for both partners. Sometimes there are merits to a quick thrust.
20. People slip out
Ever accidentally thrust into her butt crack during doggy? Ever accidentally pound someone's spine instead of their butthole? Ever jam your fingers against a pubic bone? When you're pushing two separate bodies together, it's hard to be exactly synchronized. Slipping out, for all sexes, is a common practice.
Image via Universal Pictures.
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