It's an elite fraternity, not unlike the mile-high club or the Illuminati.
Cha Cha is a phone service you can text for answers to questions when you don't have internet. (I mostly ask it things like, "Is Richard Hell still alive?") But it's also a website boasting a number of soul-searching quizzes like, "Are You Addicted to Nicotine?" and "Are You A Bad First Dater?" The quiz I thought could give me the greatest sense of accomplishment and know-how was "Do You Have What It Takes to Be A Sex Toy Tester?" I own a vibrator, but it hasn't really won me over yet; my friend Dave says this is because I bought a shitty vibrator, and there's a good chance he's right. It's kind of short and hard and generally uninviting. But aside from a personal unfamiliarity with/apathy toward sex toys, I assumed I'd be pretty qualified because a) I'm capable of using them, and b) that's it. Join me as I find out whether or not I can make a living testing and reviewing sex toys.
1. "On A Scale Of 1 To 10 (10 Being Extremely Embarrassed), How Embarrassed Do You Get At The Thought Of Pleasuring Yourself?"
2. "How Willing Are You To Try Out Brand New Vibrators And Not-Yet-To-Market Sex Toys?"
3. "Can You Coherently Express Your Thoughts In Paragraph Form?"
4. "Do You Enjoy The Idea Of Working From Home?"
NEXT: "Two weeks to masturbate and then decide if it was good or not seems like a really long time."
5. "Can You Commit To Writing A Product Review If Given 14 Days' Time?"
6. "Do You Currently Have A Mailing Address Or P.O. Box?"
7. "Are You 18 Years Of Age Or Older?"
8. "Which Of The Following Most Accurately Describes You?"
This made me half-collapse in laughter because the choices are obviously ridiculous, but presented as if they're completely practical representations of all members of the human race. According to Cha Cha, if I'm not precisely, mathematically average, then I'm either getting paid for sex, addicted to sex, or fairly consistently against having sex. Being that I didn't fall under either A, C, and D, I went with "average," but for the record, I'm not happy about it.
The Cha Cha bots took some time calculating what my answers meant, and decided I was an "Ideal Candidate" for sex-toy testing. Cha Cha also informed me that 98.5% of people who took the quiz got the same answer. I got the feeling that if I were to take a quiz to determine if I would be a qualified food tester, the mere fact that I have a mouth and a stomach would make me a shoo-in. Even though I'm not looking to change careers anytime soon, it's comforting to know that both I, and basically everyone else in the world, has something to fall back on.
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