Finally, a game where “Not giving a shit about the Third World” wins you something.
There’s no denying it – Cards Against Humanity is the game that truly brings out the worst in all of us. For the uninitiated, CAH works in a similar fashion to Apples to Apples. Each round, one player (the judge, or “Card Czar”) slaps down a Black Card that poses a question or situation (“I drink to forget ____”). Everyone else must “fill in the blank” by playing their funniest White Card (“Poor people”), or at least the card most likely to be chosen by that round’s “Czar.” The player with the “best” combination – which can run the gamut from satirical and silly to dark and downright sinister – wins the round.
Now, the true genius of this game is that for once, you not need worry about political correctness – the cards poke fun at nearly every person, place, or thing. Plus, your terrible suggestions are anonymous, unless they’re so foul and offensive that they crack everyone up and win the round. With thousands of cringe-worthy combinations, should you play the race card (see what I did there?) or slap down something disgusting? Will your choice emit uproarious laughter or audible groans? Look no further than this comprehensive guide based on the original deck. In a game that depends entirely on subjective personal taste and the arbitrary luck of the draw, these rankings are intended to be completely scientific, undeniably correct, and unimpeachable in any way.
If you need to justify playing this card, just mime a selfie session in front of a mirror. Works every time. Or mention Anthony Weiner.
99. Guys who don’t call.
You’ll get a courtesy “Awwww” from the group you’re playing with, which could lead to nabbing that point.
98. Powerful thighs.
Maybe it’s me, but every time I see this card, a wacky, cartoonish image of a bodybuilder pops into my head – a man with thighs so big they could crush metal. So maybe it’s not for you, but I’ve seen this one win a surprising amount of rounds.
97. Hurricane Katrina.
Natural disasters will likely prompt a barrage of “Too soon!” responses, regardless of when they happened.
96. Sexy pillow fights.
Strangely enough, a card about a teenager’s fantasy is rather tame in comparison to many of the cards. Match it up with a wild card for a “Pick 2” round for some leverage.
95. Third base.
Save this one for relationship-based Black Cards. Get ready to hear some real personal stories.
94. Dry heaving.
Reading one of these “I’ve been there” cards will get stomachs churning.
93. Barack Obama.
The current leader of free word pairs well for cringe-worthy moments, like “What do white people like?” I rest my case.
92. Vigorous jazz hands.
From musicals, to cheerleading, to dance, they’re bound to give you giggles at first thought.
91. Binging and purging.
A serious problem can take on an eerily true tone when paired with a card like “What am I giving up for Lent?” Yeah, about that…
90. An erection that lasts longer than four hours.
This “side effect” is almost a gimme, especially when you want a quick and easy chuckle for the answer to “What’s a girl’s best friend?”
89. My vagina.
Given the nature of this game, self-deprecation may be the way to go to earn a point, as in the answer to, “What’s that smell?”
88. Getting naked and watching Nickelodeon.
When someone plays the “What does Dick Cheney prefer?” card, this (guilty) pleasure just seems quite fitting.
87. Raptor attacks.
References to freaky scenes from Jurassic Park definitely deserve some playing cred.
It might not even make sense in the context of any questions asked on a Black Card. But it might win someone over merely as a line from infectiously quotable Arrested Development scene.
85. The American Dream.
The belief in prosperity and success takes on a whole new meaning when matched with the card that asks “what Sean Penn brought the people of Haiti.”
I pity the fool who doesn’t appreciate a good Mr. T reference!
83. The Kool-Aid Man.
How can you deny the ridiculousness of anthropomorphic pitcher of red, sugar, and water jumping through a brick wall, and then serving kids his own lifeblood?
82. The South.
Good eats, excessive use of the word “y’all,” and lingering bitterness from losing the Civil War – what isn’t this card good for? Wait, don’t answer that.
81. Nicolas Cage.
He’s wily, quotable, and intense – the perfect combination for a must-play White Card.
80. YOU MUST CONSTRUCT ADDITIONAL PYLONS.
The beauty of this card is that even if it doesn’t necessarily make sense in response to a Black Card, you’ll win over Starcraft fans in a cinch.
79. Former President George W. Bush.
There are any number of jokes you could make about the 43rd president of the United States. But it’s best to match him with Black Cards about war and inspiration – it seems quite fitting.
78. An asymmetric boob job.
A folly you wish upon your worst enemy, though it sort of eerily answers the question, “What ended my last relationship?”
77. Fiery poops.
Bathroom humor goes a long way in this game, especially with a card that lets you decide what Salvador Dali produced hundreds of paintings of during his childhood.
76. Sean Connery.
That’s Sir Sean Connery to you! This card is as slick as his 007 persona, and as badass as his “manliest man” persona.
75. Michael Jackson.
A card like “It’s a pity kids these days are all getting involved with ______” brings back all the child molestation jokes made at the expense of the King of Pop, and everyone loves nostalgia.
74. Not reciprocating oral sex.
You’re sure to get some awkward looks and stories from friends for this one.
73. Pac-Man uncontrollably guzzling cum.
So maybe that’s what those yellow pellets are made of.
72. Getting married, having a few kids, buying some stuff, retiring to Florida, and dying.
A card so inevitable for at least one person you know, it’s nearly impossible to ignore.
71. Being a dick to children.
This is one of the slightly tamer “dirty deeds cards,” but the vagueness allows the judge to fill in a situation, so you just have to hope they’re a terrible, devious person.
70. Teenage pregnancy.
Create an after-school special by pairing this card with, “I’m sorry Professor, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of ________.”
69. A lifetime of sadness.
This card is all about working the sympathy points. Don’t hold back.
68. Capturing Newt Gingrich and forcing him to dance into a monkey suit.
I’m sure some people would love to see this politician impersonate a primate.
67. The female orgasm.
Play this one with Black Cards that really play up the fact that it’s steeped in “secrecy” and “wonder.”
66. Sarah Palin.
Everybody and their mother has an opinion about the moose huntin’ former Governor of Alaska. Shouldn’t be too hard to win with this one.
65. A middle-aged man on roller skates.
Just think about that guy you always see in the park sporting short shorts, a tank top, and a boombox while he coasts by you on that steep hill. Now everyone else playing will, too.
64. Filling Sean Hannity with helium and watching him float away.
Discover your friends’ real feelings about the controversial conservative political commentator, and take whatever joy you can from the image of his tiny head floating towards the sun.
63. Road head.
A likely answer to the card that says, “Why am I sticky?”
62. A Super Soaker full of cat pee.
In the right hands, this combination could be lethal pairing with a Black Card featuring Bear Grylls. Yeah, yeah, I know he drinks his own piss, but there’s no telling with that guy.
61. Waking up half-naked in a Denny’s parking lot.
Careful when playing this card. Some might think you’re speaking from experience.
60. Being a motherfucking sorcerer.
Who doesn’t want to have magical powers? Then again, you’ll know who’s pretending to be one if they choose your card when it completes the statement “During sex, I like to think about _______.
59. A defective condom.
Score a card like “teenage pregnancy,” and lay down the hammer for this Black Card twofer: “I never truly understood ______ until I encountered ______.”
58. Half-assed foreplay.
Get devilish by playing this card alongside the Black Card with the Kix tagline, “Kid-tested, mother-approved.”
57. Winking at old people.
Just presenting the idea of giving them a taste of their own medicine should play pretty well.
56. Waiting ‘til marriage.
A near perfect irony card, particularly with any Black Cards dealing with sex.
55. African children.
Television rarely depicts them in a positive light. And it’s safe to say that this game won’t either.
54. The placenta.
It’s taken on a heightened level of stomach-churning discomfort now that some new mothers have taken to eating it after giving birth.
53. Passive-aggressive Post-it notes.
If you want to spot the type A’s in your playing group, there’s nothing better than a card that will spark their memory of that one time they left a note for their roommates to “TAKE OUT THE DAMN TRASH.”
52. Natural selection.
This process is quite comical when you apply it a card like this: “MTV’s new reality show features eight washed-up celebrities living with _______.”
51. Farting and walking away.
No matter how you describe it (“crop-dusting,” “silent but deadly,” etc.), there’s bound to be a giggle-snort among your friends.
50. A homoerotic volleyball montage.
Top Gun, anyone?
49. Actually taking candy from a baby.
Taking this idiom literally boldly answers the question, “What is Batman’s guilty pleasure?”
48. Drinking alone.
The versatility of this card is impressive, but things get serious real quick, when played with this Black Card: “Life for American Indians was forever changed when the White Man introduced them to ________.”
47. Menstrual rage.
Proceed with caution when using a card setting up a bro-tastic “It’s that time of the month” joke. Play this card wrong and you’ll be on the receiving end of some.
46. Daddy issues.
You have to treat this card like it’s a terrible gift you can give someone. I like pairing this one with, “What did I bring back from Mexico?”
45. Two midgets shitting into a bucket.
This one is just nasty for obvious reasons. It’s best you play it with a Black Card that’s meant to “punish” a group of people, like, “Instead of coal, Santa now gives the bad children __________.”
44. Justin Bieber.
Channel your inner disdain (or admiration) for the Canadian teen heartthrob, and you really can’t go wrong.
43. Not giving a shit about the Third World.
Cards depicting a negative are a bit trickier when trying to find the right fit. Luckily, there’s the Black Card about Hannah Montana struggling with “something” for the first time.
42. Harry Potter erotica.
Seeing as there’s a Black Card that literally reads, “Next from J.K. Rowling: Harry Potter and the Chamber of ______,” this one is bound to win with flying colors in at least one round.
41. Getting drunk on mouthwash.
Desperate times call for desperate measures, I suppose.
40. Expecting a burp and vomiting on the floor.
Some call it gross. Others call it their personal answer to the card that reads, “What’s my secret power?”
If you’re looking to play a “It’s funny because it’s true” card, look no further.
38. Michelle Obama’s arms.
Her toned biceps are the envy of women everywhere, and just might be the most fitting answer for “What helps Obama unwind?”
37. Licking things to claim them as your own.
This method for keeping the remote control from your siblings as a kid is useful again (especially if you have roommates now).
36. A good sniff.
Just like the “smell test” you use on shirts strewn across your bedroom floor, the results will either be satisfying or horrid.
35. Shaquille O’Neal’s acting career.
Shaq’s considered one of the best centers in NBA history, but have you seen him in Kazaam and Steel? I rest my case.
34. Child beauty pageants.
It’s hard out there for a mini-Barbie in the making. After the wrath of Honey Boo Boo, I think this card deserves to jump a few spots.
33. Morgan Freeman’s voice.
Hollywood’s “Voice of God” works best when personified for a pairing, like “How did I lose my virginity?”
32. The penny whistle solo from “My Heart Will Go On.”
Just like Rose promised Jack after the Titanic crashed, you’ll never want to let this card go – until you find the perfect match.
31. Throwing a virgin into a volcano.
Whether it’s fact or fiction, the card with the depiction of a sacrifice is certainly worth playing.
30. Picking up girls at the abortion clinic.
This is, without a doubt, one of the most despicable cards in the deck. Be prepared to see whose mind is really in the gutter.
29-24. The hardworking Mexican. / Brown people. / The Jews. / White people. / Black people./ The token minority.
Sure, it may seem like a cop-out to group five race/ethnicity cards together. But I’ve played several rounds in which each one of these has become a trump card in their own way (Okay, I will say that “Black people” tends to play the best out of this group. But you don’t have to take my word for it).
23. White privilege.
Playing the term will get some people saying a dragged out, surprised “Wooooow,” especially if you play it with my favorite Pick 2 Black Card: “Lifetime presents ______, the story of ______.”
22. The Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.
If you’re blessed with the opportunity to possess this card when “What would grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?” is played, you must play it. No exceptions.
21. The glass ceiling.
Pair this with the Black Card that reads “Daddy, why is mommy crying?” and you’re bound to get some “Yikes!” in response.
20. Getting so angry that you pop a boner.
Cards describing actions can prove tricky to play, but are sometimes worth it.
19. Pooping back and forth. Forever.
If you know the reference from the film Me and You and Everyone We Know, go ahead and work this card. Otherwise, target this toward a player who has an eternal appreciation for toilet humor.
18. Asians who aren’t good at math.
The versatility of this card comes from the fact that it’s a rather awkward dispelling of a racial stereotype.
17. Stephen Hawking talking dirty.
This just might be the best answer for the Black Card that reads, “What’s the next Happy Meal toy?”
16. Eating all the cookies before the AIDS bake-sale.
Because nothing says helping out those suffering from a life-threatening illness than devouring their fundraising efforts!
15. Jerking off into a pool of children’s tears.
It’s an image so dastardly, it might just win for the off-putting visual it creates alone. Are you picturing a kiddie pool? I’m picturing a kiddie pool.
14. Cheating in the Special Olympics.
Remember that episode of South Park where Cartman pretended to be mentally disabled so he could win $1,000? Yeah, this card’s just downright evil, and bound to get some groans.
13. Poorly-timed Holocaust jokes.
This one is almost a no-brainer to use. The irony of this card is laid out right there for you. There is no wrong time for this card.
12. The Three-Fifths compromise.
Assuming most people you’re playing with remember their basic American history, playing this card in the right situation will make things painfully true. See: “White people like ________.”
11. My humps.
If your friends loathe the Black Eyed Peas song of the same name as much as you do, you’re in luck.
It doesn’t take much to justify a card emblazoned with the name of a highly reviled band.
9. Dropping a chandelier on your enemies and riding the rope up.
It paints such a cartoonish action scene – someone’s bound to chuckle when you throw it down.
8. Children on leashes.
The only way to justify this card is to say to yourself, “It works for keeping pets in check – why not kids?”
7. The Underground Railroad.
No, it wasn’t literally underground, nor was it a railroad. If you can avoid giving a history lesson to justify its use, this can be well-placed trump card.
6. A sad handjob.
This card can take on a few interpretations. Is it a handjob that’s given when one is upset, or is it a depressing, pathetic attempt at pleasuring someone? So many options!
5. The Trail of Tears.
Poking fun at the plight of the Native American is all about precision (satirical) timing. In the right hands, this card could be pure gold.
4. Smallpox blankets.
The thought of an infectious disease eradicated 35 years ago contained in something you snuggle in just gives me the chills.
3. Women in yogurt commercials.
The evolution of a breakfast food into a snack to aid in weight loss has become a parody unto itself, thanks to relentless target marketing. Thanks, Jamie Lee Curtis!
2. Home video of Oprah sobbing into a Lean Cuisine.
It’s so haunting, that you could actually picture Stedman recording such a thing during Lady O’s bouts of yo-yo dieting.
1. A sassy black woman.
Powerful, prideful, and a force to be reckoned with – especially in this game. Pair this with nearly any Black Card, and just see what happens. “What never fails to liven up the party?” “What’s that sound?” This is your “drop the mic” card. Own it.
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